No proof of abuse, but worried about it.

[Anonymous]

I have some of this kind of stuff in my family too. BIL is a deal dipshit. His wife plays along the best she can. They are intolerable and we spend as little time as possible with them. If CPS had a dipshit division, you would be all set, but unless there is true provable abuse or neglect (which there may be) bringing in outside sources may be a waste of time. If anything, this is a lesson on why people shouldn't marry young. The part of their brain that recogniZes assholes and dipshits isn't fully formed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have some of this kind of stuff in my family too. BIL is a deal dipshit. His wife plays along the best she can. They are intolerable and we spend as little time as possible with them. If CPS had a dipshit division, you would be all set, but unless there is true provable abuse or neglect (which there may be) bringing in outside sources may be a waste of time. If anything, this is a lesson on why people shouldn't marry young. The part of their brain that recogniZes assholes and dipshits isn't fully formed.

You are awesome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the best you can do is pretend to be friends with them and have their kids spend as much time outside this sick family atmosphere as possible.
I grew up with a very weird, mentally unwell mom (no physical abuse but just this sick weird family atmosphere where we had to wear weird things, eat weird things, do weird things ) and it would have helped so much if I could have some normalcy in my life. Just some conventional clothing and food, you know?

I totally agree. I grew up with a father/mother much like you describe. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized just how much everyone knew and how so very kind some people were to me. They made a real difference in my life by showing (through their actions) what 'normal' was and doing little things for me. Anyone who spoke to my father about his behavior was immediately cut off and we were then subjected to him ranting and raging about how out of line these people were. We, of course, had to agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not up to you or anyone else to decide what she does with her life. Unless she asks for advice, you and the others need to mind your own business.

Even when she rarely leaves the house? When she does it is only for errands or sometimes with a family member? When she comes up with mysterious bruises she blames on their very old and sweet dog? I know this needs more details, but I am afraid I'll be cut out for posting just what I have. I'm honestly asking, is this no big deal? Because maybe we are all just seeing things that aren't there.

It is a big deal, and you're not seeing something that's not there.

[Anonymous]

At this time in her life she is content. You cannot change that. And barring any proof of abuse, no one else can either. The best you can do is be present to them (your relative and the kids) in hopes that when and if she does someday see the light, she'll know she has a supportive, not judgemental, ally in you and will come to you. The more people rail on her, the further she will push them. If she does ever want to leave, she'll always be afraid to admit she was wrong because she'll fear their "I told you so" lectures.

Will she let anyone take the kids for vacations with cousins or anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has formed a family cult, I am scared for those kids.

Her sibling actually calls it "the cult of husband's name"

Yep, some real sickness going on there. Have any family ever called CPS?

Um, CPS is not going to go out on a 'parents homestead and kill small farm animals' call. That's not illegal, and the mom did take the kid in to the doctor.

I agree with what pp's said-remain friendly with the mom and kids. If dad really goes round the bend, at least you will be aware and can intervene then. But the parents do get to decide to live rurally and about medical care, CPS isn't going to intervene.

[Anonymous]

Any update? Did the family member confront them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any update? Did the family member confront them?

Bump

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not up to you or anyone else to decide what she does with her life. Unless she asks for advice, you and the others need to mind your own business.

Once again, a perfect example of everything that is WRONG with our world today! "You're worried that your relative is in an unhealthy at best, abusive at worst relationship? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" Well OP, what you need to know about people like this "mind your own business" poster is that they are cowards who couldn't and wouldn't risk their comfort to stick up for someone in a bad situation no matter what.

I'm so sick of this "MYOB" mentality here, people try to discourage others to have vital conversations with their own families because they themselves are too scared and too in denial to do something that might be uncomfortable. It's ridiculous, and it's damaging to families and to society.

But OP, to your situation specifically, do you ever see this relative alone, away from her DH? Do you ever ask her generally how she's doing? What does she say? How old are the kids? How much time do you spend around them? I know you don't want to give too many specifics, but ballpark the kids ages.

More than anything, if you can't get the relative you're worried about to talk to you, try your best to build a relationship with those kids. If you can be seen as safe and welcome to be in communication with the kids, just look out for them. If you ever see signs of something being very wrong, talk to them.

As much as your relative may be in trouble, she is still an adult and - as far as you know - choosing to still be with this man. But kids don't choose their parents, and if there is anything really bad going on in the house, those kids may need someone to confide in, or someone to notice. So build as much of a relationship with the kids as you can. Offer to take them places or have them over to give the parents a break, if that's feasible.

Controlling spouses are generally bad news, but if your relative isn't admitting she's got a problem, there's not much you can do for her. But you can try to look out for the kids.

Good luck OP. It's absolutely the right thing to do to look for ways to help or ask if help is needed when you care about someone. Don't let these Stepford Wives/Stepford Husbands make you feel nosy or bad for having a heart and a willingness to risk comfort in order to possibly help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not up to you or anyone else to decide what she does with her life. Unless she asks for advice, you and the others need to mind your own business.

Even when she rarely leaves the house? When she does it is only for errands or sometimes with a family member? When she comes up with mysterious bruises she blames on their very old and sweet dog? I know this needs more details, but I am afraid I'll be cut out for posting just what I have. I'm honestly asking, is this no big deal? Because maybe we are all just seeing things that aren't there.

I already posted that for now just focus on staying connected to her and the kids. But I didn't see the comment about mysterious bruises. I used to be a domestic violence counselor, and the truth is that a lot worse things go on in families that seem a lot less "different" or weird. I'd guess your gut is right that it can get pretty ugly in private, if the husband has anger issues even in public. But right now it doesn't sound like you know enough specifics (or maybe you do and can't post) to really do much. Try to focus on the kids, on being good relatives who will offer to take them to give parents a break, maybe even take them on vacation. Their behavior or what they say will tell you a lot in either direction - maybe they're fine and that will be clear. Or, maybe they're really not fine... and that will be clear too. It's just hard to know what to do and who to call without knowing the details. (but I understand why you're not giving more details).