I need to suck it up, right?

[Anonymous]

This is a job question, but also a relationship one.

DH and I both work in DC. I have been in my job for 14 years--its the only place I've really worked, post grad school. By all accounts, an excellent position for my field, and extremely stable, but I'm really tired of it and have little opportunity to rise as my boss wont retire for another 10 years and I believe that the institution will likely, by then, want to hire a younger person to lead--I will be early 50s.

I have a lot of ambition, and a pretty good track record, so even though I'm in a specialized field, I could probably do pretty well if I worked it. DH recently entered the federal work force, after leaving a career with diminishing options, He likes his job, is well paid and there's status. He's also early 50s and will have a hard time getting a new job I fear. But he recently encouraged me to look for some new opportunities--in my field rare, and all out of state. So, I got 2 offers in the northeast (trust me when I say there's nothing else in DC for me), but now DH is getting cold feet about leaving (we had hoped he could telecommute, with him traveling every other week for a few days). He worries about not having 'face time' and being pushed aside in his career, or losing his job entirely. He also worries that I will feel resentful later. I had actually been recruited for a pretty great position a couple years ago, but he had just gotten his new job so we stayed put. We have young elementary school kids. The benefit of the new place is that I'd have more creative freedom, better cost of living (somewhat) better schools. But commuting would be hard and I would not want DH to be out of work. At the same time, staying here for the rest of my career makes me want to cry.

salary for new jobs is a bump of about 15k, but not necessarily huge (and will be offset by commuting, etc).

anyone have advice or experience working through the job/life conflicts?

[Anonymous]

everybody in your family would have to sacrifice for you to take a new job. is that something that you are okay asking your DH and kids to do? also, can you support your family if you take the new job and DH is out of work?

[Anonymous]

Wow, I wouldn't recommend asking your DH to sacrifice his job for this move.

I empathize so much with you, and understand wanting to move on to better opportunities, but in order to ensure your DH has job security, you may need to start thinking more outside the box about ways to achieve your job satisfaction.

This just sounds like one of those challenging life decisions. It doesn't have to be an either-or, though. Again, outside-the-box thinking might help you find a solution that works for all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I wouldn't recommend asking your DH to sacrifice his job for this move.

I empathize so much with you, and understand wanting to move on to better opportunities, but in order to ensure your DH has job security, you may need to start thinking more outside the box about ways to achieve your job satisfaction.

This just sounds like one of those challenging life decisions. It doesn't have to be an either-or, though. Again, outside-the-box thinking might help you find a solution that works for all of you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Has he actually been approved to telecommute for his current job?

[Anonymous]

OP, i am one of the PPs. this sounds a bit corny, but...can you find a hobby to explore outside of work? i know that time is a commodity, but i started a hobby (jewelry making) and it is something that is fun, stress-free, and gives me some creative release. just a thought...

[Anonymous]

Don't move

[Anonymous]

I am probably biased because this kind of move was the nail in the coffin of my parent's marriage. In general, I don't think men handle being unemployed very well. My dad went from having a well paying job that didn't require a college degree to moving to an area that required a degree and taking minimum wage jobs for a year or two until he could get a consulting job in his previous field. As kids we were adjusting to being in a new area away from our friends and extended family AND watching out parent's marriage implode.

Unless you can arrange one of those deals where your employer or connections will help arrange for job interviews for your spouse, I would not do it. The one situation where it worked well for a friend that moved for the wife to have better career opportunities, the husband was very unhappy with his job here and went back to school and became a teacher. Their kid was in kindergarten so not a big transition there and her parents retired where she moved.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would consider your children first. As a child, we constantly moved around and it sucked ass every fucking time! Just when you start making friends and get into somewhat of a routine - we moved. We were at one location for a few years and I made some good friends and then it happened again. I seriously believe that it changed my willingness to make friends. As a result I have very few friends, but it's by choice. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think the bitterness still resonates and it prevents me from getting close with people. It probably doesn't help that I have had bad experiences with people that I have let into my inner circle.

Money isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Once the children grow older how do you want them to view their relationship with you? Would you be happy if they viewed it as; We moved so my Mom could have a job that made her feel important....

[Anonymous]

OP here,
Interesting perspectives (and I wonder if the responses would be different if I were a man asking about moving my family for my career opportunities).

But a note about children (who are in pk and k, so not really ensconced in school/friendships yet). Part of the move would be to have a better quality of life for them. To move to a place where the schools are excellent, neighborhoods are family friendly, walkable to lots of things and where we could spend less time commuting and more with them and all around things are more affordable. We don't have any of that right now, so we have been discussing moving anyway--but if we stayed in the area it would be to move for better schools. However, that will likely entail a worse commute for both of us. DH is excited about the new location and all it gives us, he is just worried about his job, which I get.

The other issue is that I'm almost a decade younger--so I will be working longer, most likely. We make about the same amount, so its not easy to figure it out.

But I do not want DH to be unhappy. I wa patient and supportive as he went through a couple years of trying to reinvent himself, of figuring out that the stuff he was trying were bad jobs, and I know how hard it is on a marriage when a spouse--and typically the husband--feels professionally unsatisfied. I guess I feel, though, that I did stick by him, and sacrificed my opportunities so that he could get back on his feet and find his job (which actually, I found for him, believe it or not). so now, If he can work out telecommuting and have a stable job (he works for the govt, so if he can mostly telecommute i think his job would be safe) it seems like its worth exploring. I just feel like if I spend my entire career doing the exact same thing at the exact same place, with no room for growth, I will just stop trying at a certain point. But maybe its not an either /or.

[Anonymous]

He's in his early 50s with preschoolers (yikes)...I imagine he is planning on working at least another 20 years.

I think your whole plan hinges on his ability to telecommute. Has he talked to his supervisor about it?

Overall, unless the COL is significantly cheaper, the extra 15k doesn't seem worth it (will your salary go up quickly with the new job?).