Introvert/Extrovert relationship
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Anonymous
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We both have draining jobs where we deal with the drama of other people.
On weekends, one partner wants to recharge and sit in the house the whole time, more or less. The other wants to recharge with other people in a happy way and attend parties to which we are invited, have guests over, etc. We also have kids who have to be shuttled here and there, which partner 1 sees as socialization. Same with going to Target. "Did you have good time buying dog food?" Yeah. It was like being at Mardi Gras. Causing tension. Ideas? |
Anonymous
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Introvert speaking. Reach a compromise. Socialize one weekend of the month and put a time limit on it, 3-4 hours of hanging out then everyone goes home.
Or chill at home all day then meet friends for dinner. I sense you are mocking the trips to Target. To an introvert, doing things other than reading or watching TV can be draining. |
Anonymous
| Nothing about going to a party is "recharging." |
Anonymous
It is for me! |
Anonymous
| Send the extravert out with the kids to do the errands and party. |
Anonymous
Do not do this. It is not compromising. My husband has put these limits on me for 10 years, it is control. I had many friends before, now I just have a few. It also limits your kids. Please find a way to keep socializing rather than isolating yourself. It catches up with you in time and is very depressing. Think of a solution that allows you to have your needs met as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Anonymous
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Simple.
The one who likes to stay home and relax can do so. Bonus for the other one who likes to go out and be around friends. That way no one has to pay for a sitter. Problem solved. Easy peasy. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is the issue. I feel depressed because I only have "access" a small chunk of life under these conditions. And when it is my "turn" to choose what we do, I hear about how awful it is/hard it is, but I am supposed to be so happy and grateful that the other person stepped out of the comfort zone for 3 hours. I love Target, or any mall, but that isn't exactly a night at the opera. Feels like a pumpkin shell. |
Anonymous
Then you are never together. |
Anonymous
Who cares. |
Anonymous
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You guys need to reach a compromise that includes each of you showing respect for the other's preferences. It's clear from your post that you don't feel like he respects yours, but it's also clear that you don't respect his. My recommendation would be to come up with a general framework for how weekends will run, and then plan out each weekend on Thursday or Friday night within that framework. So, for instance, plan out the obligations that aren't relaxing for anyone (shuttling kids to sports, trips to Target, etc.) and divide those fairly. Then carve out a few hours during the weekend when your husband can have relaxing alone time, and a few hours when he'll join you for some social activity. Any remaining time is for you guys to do your own thing -- he can hang out at home (maybe the kids stay with him), you do a social thing without him.
Also, look for opportunities to get social time during the week -- have lunch with a friend, go out for drinks with your girlfriends after work one day, etc. It might help take the pressure off the weekends to be your only downtime. Trade-off with your spouse would be that any evenings he covers the home front so you can go out gets him a little extra time on the weekend. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm the extrovert in your description. I ask my husband kindly to attend one out of every three social obligations, and we often drive separately so he can leave early. In return, he does not guilt trip me for wanting to go out all the time. It works for us. |
Anonymous
That's my favorite recharging activity. That's why it's called a "party" - it's fun. |
Anonymous
I could see that a trip to Target can be draining for an introvert, but it hardly qualifies as socializing to an extrovert, wouldn't you agree? |
Anonymous
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Honestly, this is something that should have been talked about before you got married. The extrovert/introvert thing can be a really big deal. Many couples I know don't handle it very well; a few do.
In my circle, we often see one spouse a lot more than we see the other. The introvert spouse has a standing invite but we know we won't see him at any of the large events and many of the small events. It's fine. The extrovert comes out and gets the social contact she needs and then goes home. I'm an extrovert and my co-parent is an introvert. I have to go out one night a weekend to feel connected socially; he cares less about those things. So when we're figuring out the weekends, I generally get first pick of which night I want "off" from our child. But I feel like his socializing is very important so if he has a night he wants to go out, I absolutely make sure he gets that night off. (if we both want the same night off, I either take one for the team or get a babysitter, but we usually don't have to do that.) Your introvert partner doesn't get a pass from errands and such just because he's an introvert. Target is not an extrovert activity; it's an errand. Target runs can be draining for me; same with grocery store runs. Are there activities your kids do where the parents can just do drop off or not have to be social? I find that my daughter's ballet lesson and swimming lesson are great times to sit and read the paper and not talk to people. |