Introvert/Extrovert relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Introvert speaking. Reach a compromise. Socialize one weekend of the month and put a time limit on it, 3-4 hours of hanging out then everyone goes home.

Or chill at home all day then meet friends for dinner.

I sense you are mocking the trips to Target. To an introvert, doing things other than reading or watching TV can be draining.

I could see that a trip to Target can be draining for an introvert, but it hardly qualifies as socializing to an extrovert, wouldn't you agree?

Introvert here. Agree, but you're making the wrong comparison. Going to Target is a chore. Extroverted partner should go to Target while introverted partner stays home and does another chore, like dishes, vacuuming, etc. IOW, when you negotiate, separate out labour items from leisure items and negotiate those categories separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys need to reach a compromise that includes each of you showing respect for the other's preferences. It's clear from your post that you don't feel like he respects yours, but it's also clear that you don't respect his. My recommendation would be to come up with a general framework for how weekends will run, and then plan out each weekend on Thursday or Friday night within that framework. So, for instance, plan out the obligations that aren't relaxing for anyone (shuttling kids to sports, trips to Target, etc.) and divide those fairly. Then carve out a few hours during the weekend when your husband can have relaxing alone time, and a few hours when he'll join you for some social activity. Any remaining time is for you guys to do your own thing -- he can hang out at home (maybe the kids stay with him), you do a social thing without him.

Also, look for opportunities to get social time during the week -- have lunch with a friend, go out for drinks with your girlfriends after work one day, etc. It might help take the pressure off the weekends to be your only downtime. Trade-off with your spouse would be that any evenings he covers the home front so you can go out gets him a little extra time on the weekend.

This is good advice. I'm an introvert married to an extrovert. I don't complain about doing social stuff, and he doesn't insist on my attending every event with him (the flip side is that I am fine with him going to things without me). He'll often meet a friend for coffee without me, or I might stop by at the end of the visit to say hi. We often meet friends one-on-one, rather than in big groups or big parties. But it works because he really gets that this is just how I'm wired, and that I need my down time to recharge, just as he needs his social time to be energized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys need to reach a compromise that includes each of you showing respect for the other's preferences. It's clear from your post that you don't feel like he respects yours, but it's also clear that you don't respect his. My recommendation would be to come up with a general framework for how weekends will run, and then plan out each weekend on Thursday or Friday night within that framework. So, for instance, plan out the obligations that aren't relaxing for anyone (shuttling kids to sports, trips to Target, etc.) and divide those fairly. Then carve out a few hours during the weekend when your husband can have relaxing alone time, and a few hours when he'll join you for some social activity. Any remaining time is for you guys to do your own thing -- he can hang out at home (maybe the kids stay with him), you do a social thing without him.

Also, look for opportunities to get social time during the week -- have lunch with a friend, go out for drinks with your girlfriends after work one day, etc. It might help take the pressure off the weekends to be your only downtime. Trade-off with your spouse would be that any evenings he covers the home front so you can go out gets him a little extra time on the weekend.

This is good advice. I'm an introvert married to an extrovert. I don't complain about doing social stuff, and he doesn't insist on my attending every event with him (the flip side is that I am fine with him going to things without me). He'll often meet a friend for coffee without me, or I might stop by at the end of the visit to say hi. We often meet friends one-on-one, rather than in big groups or big parties. But it works because he really gets that this is just how I'm wired, and that I need my down time to recharge, just as he needs his social time to be energized.

Agree, especially with the last line. OP, you and your husband really need to find a way to understand and respect eachothers' difference on this. I suggest starting with the book, Quiet, by Susan Cain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing about going to a party is "recharging."

It is for me!

Textbook example of introvert v extrovert.

I'm an off-the-charts Myers -Briggs "I" (introvert). There's almost nothing about a party that is "recharging" to me, it's something I may enjoy, that I do, but then I need to recharge.

Both sides must recognize and deal with this or it won't be pretty (IMO) ...

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have been arguing recently about me going out. And by going out, it can mean spending a day with my girlfriend - for instance, leave at 1pm come home 6pm. We've been together for 13 years and most of that time our out of home activities have been together. I told him a few months ago that I wanted to do things that were not with him some of the time, e.g. going to gfs house or going to happy hour, etc. He's never been one to like to go out to eat - we've NEVER been to a movie together - and he is and stated as such content with being home and that his vision of a happy home is staying home as a family.

I've found this to be stifling to say the least. He doesn't enjoy going out to eat - so unless I do lunch with a coworker, it means that I don't go out to eat. He doesn't enjoy going to the movies - so I've learned to wait for OnDemand.

But now that I want to - without him - he doesn't say well "let's go", he's offended that I want to go without him and it's causing a huge rift. He takes it a personal affront and says that I "don't want to be with him" if I choose other people and/or activities.

I feel suffocated and it's making me contemplate divorce. Sorry to hi-jack - but pseudo-related? Any insight and/or thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys need to reach a compromise that includes each of you showing respect for the other's preferences. It's clear from your post that you don't feel like he respects yours, but it's also clear that you don't respect his. My recommendation would be to come up with a general framework for how weekends will run, and then plan out each weekend on Thursday or Friday night within that framework. So, for instance, plan out the obligations that aren't relaxing for anyone (shuttling kids to sports, trips to Target, etc.) and divide those fairly. Then carve out a few hours during the weekend when your husband can have relaxing alone time, and a few hours when he'll join you for some social activity. Any remaining time is for you guys to do your own thing -- he can hang out at home (maybe the kids stay with him), you do a social thing without him.

Also, look for opportunities to get social time during the week -- have lunch with a friend, go out for drinks with your girlfriends after work one day, etc. It might help take the pressure off the weekends to be your only downtime. Trade-off with your spouse would be that any evenings he covers the home front so you can go out gets him a little extra time on the weekend.

This is good advice. I'm an introvert married to an extrovert. I don't complain about doing social stuff, and he doesn't insist on my attending every event with him (the flip side is that I am fine with him going to things without me). He'll often meet a friend for coffee without me, or I might stop by at the end of the visit to say hi. We often meet friends one-on-one, rather than in big groups or big parties. But it works because he really gets that this is just how I'm wired, and that I need my down time to recharge, just as he needs his social time to be energized.

This is how it works with me and spouse. He gets energized just thinking about a party. Half of the time I go with, and half he goes alone. I really like his friends, though-- that is important. They come by and we have a bit of a good time, and then I send them out to have fun.

[Anonymous]

Nothing to add, as I'm single, but will be keenly watching this thread.

I'd call myself an 'introverted extrovert' and struggle with finding someone similar for a partner. I'm great at parties, like meeting/interacting with people, and have to do so as part of my job. On vacation, or at conferences, I can happily go out 5 nights in a row. However, because I am inclined that way, I work with, am friends with, and often wind up dating some true extroverts where that is their everyday, real-life - they're home before 11 o'clock at night maybe one night a week. It's hard because I don't pair well romantically with those folks, but I also am not compatible with someone who wants to stay home/pursue solitary activities the overwhelming majority of the time. When I'm actually on a 'regular, working schedule' I can handle about 2 nights out a week, at least one ending early enough that I still have enough time to 'wind down' at home, plus one or both nights on the weekend (depending upon whether the days are busy.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Introvert speaking. Reach a compromise. Socialize one weekend of the month and put a time limit on it, 3-4 hours of hanging out then everyone goes home.

Or chill at home all day then meet friends for dinner.

I sense you are mocking the trips to Target. To an introvert, doing things other than reading or watching TV can be draining.

I'm the introvert and even I know 3-4 hours once a month is nowhere near enough. Flip the concept - would being home alone once a month for 3-4 hours be enough for the introvert? Of course not.

OP, one thing I found was that if I spent enough time with certain people, it came to not feel like effort to be "on" around them and I was as comfortable with them as I was with just my family. What DH and I do is one day home, quiet, and one day out, socializing. Sometimes we have to break it into half days where we socialize Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning and are home Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon depending on parties, plans, etc. But DH and I love each other and as long as we see the other trying to protect the time we need to feed our souls (sorry for sounding corny there), it helps even if we run into a weekend where we're going from this event to that one nonstop, or wind up sitting at home all weekend.

[Anonymous]

1:16 - there are actually quite a few of us out there who are like you. In my social circle, we talk about this sometimes - how often each person feels they want to go out, and how often they prefer to stay home. As long as I get at least one night out with friends, I am happy. It can be a big blowout party with 200 people or it can be a chill night at a low-key bar with 3 friends and some wine, but I need that outlet for my social energy. If I can get away for an hour or two on a second night, that is good too. After that, I get enough socialization in the rest of my life that I don't need to go out more. (between work and school pickup and soccer games/practices, ballet classes, etc., I talk to a lot of people.)

The rest of the time, I need a little downtime. I need to nest a bit. I can't date true extroverts easily because of this, and I can't date true introverts either because I want to be able to share some of those nights out with the person I'm seeing. So I seek out others who are perfectly happy with our own company much of the time, but like the company of others a couple times a week.