feeling guilt for mentally ill family member... this is long
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Anonymous
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This is long.. but I need input...
-grew up as an orphan, along with my 3 siblings.. parents died in a terrible accident when my oldest brother was in college and I, the youngest, was 6. -raised begrudgingly by unsupportive aunts and uncles, the 3 youngest went to boarding school, we all have college degrees. -My family was very well off before my parents died but raising kids, boarding school x3, college x4, basically drained all the money my parents had stashed away. -of the 4 of us... 2 are "very successful." My oldest brother is an executive for a fortune 500 company and lives in Europe. I am married to an attorney for a major pharma company and I have my own strong, but not terribly lucrative, career. -My other brother has symptoms of aspbergers, though was not diagnosed as a kid in the 80s with out parents to advocate for him, he is a genius and went to Stanford and is making a good living as a programmer on the west coast. We have a minimal relationship since he can't speak on the phone. But I know he is happy and healthy and surrounded by good people and in a good relationship with someone who gets him. -My sister, who is older than me by 3 years, has always been the black sheep. She had clear mental illness growing up which surfaced after my parents death... she never received treatment. When to the equivalent of a reform school in high school... a boarding school for "underperforming" kids while my brother and I both went to top schools(think Andover/Exeter). My brother and I both went on to good/great colleges (Stanford and Georgetown). -Basically my sister is the only one who did not thrive, she stayed in New England when the rest of us moved away, has no husband or anyone to look after her, is extremely unstable and won't seek counseling, works a government job so she wont get fired which is her one saving grace. She was diagnosed by a psych with borderline personality disorder, and is completely alone and unsupported - her psych does not force her to get therapy and she needs it so badly! I am certain she has no friends and I am making the guess that she has considered suicide multiple times over the years. She is always so depressed when I speak with her but always refused to get help (going on 10 years) -I have basically no relationship with her, I see her 1x per year at the holidays and call her 1x per year on her birthday. -She was extremely abusive to me in my childhood. She broke bones, hit me daily and set me on fire once when I was sleeping and I received 3rd degree burns... very terrible things. I lied to doctors as a child to protect her. My aunts and uncles knew what was going on and did nothing. How you look at a 4th grader who had her hair burned off and accept "I did it on accident" as an excuse is negligent on behalf of the adults in my life at that time. I still have a major scalp/upper-facial scar from that time. -I feel "bad" about not having a relationship but she was so hurtful to me as a child I actually don't care. I feel guilt because I know her life is complete shit, as does she, and don't know how to help her since she wont go in to therapy and I also feel guilty because most of me doesn't care, and I feel like I should since she is my sister. -I feel "bad" because I won't pay for her to do intensive in patient therapy, though I could swing it if I and my oldest brother really committed to it. She would lose her job from taking so much time off so it goes beyond the actual financial support of the program which would be upwards of 100k. I would rather put that money toward my kids' college fund. -I feel "bad" because I don't have the time/energy/empathy/patience to support her emotionally on a regular basis. -I feel "bad" that I don't think she will ever be healthy.... ever. Saying this here is sort of amazing. If you looked at me you'd think I had a perfect life. That wasp girl who went to boarding school and Georgetown then married well and had 2 healthy kids. |
Anonymous
| It's OK to feel bad about someone's situation in life without feeling that you need to DO anything about it. Light a candle for her, send her good thoughts, and see a counselor if you can't be at peace with the state of your relationship with her. |
Anonymous
| I think being connected with and compassionate toward your sister is enough. It is not your job to "save" her, and your intervention wouldn't necessarily be welcomed or helpful. So try to let go of the guilt and just do your best to let her know you care about her. I have a brother with similar issues, and the best thing I've been able to do is just listen when he wants to talk and especially when he wants to revisit our childhood, which wasn't great for me but was even crappier for him. The older we get, the more meaningful that has been to both of us. Good luck and hugs. |
Anonymous
+1 This story is very familiar. I have a childhood friend going through a very similar situation. I am so sorry to hear, OP. You are not alone. Do what you can. I would bet, as a government employee, your sister could take an early retirement. Maybe you could have direct deposit for her retirement, so she doesn't blow it. Maybe she could be put in subsidized housing, maybe she could go into a group home. Many states have great mental health care. A group home is not ideal, BUT your sister would be safe and take her meds (if not, they would hospitalize her). I give these suggestions because sometimes, mental health gets worse with age, and it might be better to use what you can possibly have available to you. If not, you have your own family to take care of. I wish you peace with whatever you decide. |
Anonymous
| BPD is a tough one. Op try not to feel badly. Raise your kids the healthiest you can. |
Anonymous
| I say this gently...have you considered therapy? Not sure I would feel badly having been on the receiving end of abuse as you describe. |
Anonymous
OP, your sister broke your bones and burned you. Please, please consider therapy for yourself. You should not have to live with all the guilt you describe. Yes, your sister does need help, but you need to help yourself deal with your past as the first priority. I'm sorry it was so painful. |
Anonymous
Yes! This. The #1 thing that stuck with me through counseling was that it's okay to feel a certain way. Such as you feeling bad about your sister. Not sure why, but once the counselor said that, a lightbulb went off in my head. I always thought no one felt that way or thought those things. |
Anonymous
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Is your sister happy? What does SHE want to do? If she doesn't want to get treatment, you may have to suffer through watching her suffer.
But personally, I would offer help as often as I am able, that 2 times a year maybe, to let her know I'm there for her. |
Anonymous
| Hugs, OP. I agree with the PPs that you can feel bad for your sister but you can't solve her problems. Having survived significant abuse myself, I also second the recommendation for counseling to help you work through these emotions. You need to know how to manage them (without them managing you) and a good counselor can help you get to a good place. Hugs. |
Anonymous
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OP - You and your other siblings have weathered a lot of trauma and drama in your early formative years. As you say "on the surface" it appears that you have done well and have a very successful life. And you do -- your posting, you have memories of past events and feelings that need to be shared with a professional so that you can find a way to release them in the past and fully embrace the life that you have worked so hard to have. Also so that you can be fully present for your husband and children and able to at some future time relate to your sister in a balanced way. |