Share your insight into the relationship with his mother

[Anonymous]

Why is it?

DH tries to do all the right things and be a good man, but him and his mom don't have a close relationship. He rarely calls her. She never calls him. He never goes to see her by himself. She lives 15 minutes away. Yet they completely normal and friendly to each other when they're together.

If I don't suggest we go see her, it might be weeks or months before we see her. If I invite her over, she'll come, but otherwise I never hear from her.

I fear MIL harbors resentments. Because she hardly ever sees DD. But it seems something is is dysfunctional here and I don't know how to fix it or should I even fix it.

[Anonymous]

1) Don't try and fix it. Don't try and fix other people, or fix their relationships. Especially not knowing any details.

2) Have you asked your husband? Is there any reason you can't just ask him?

[Anonymous]

Have you asked your husband about this?

My husband does not have a close relationship with his mom. He acknowledges that it's both their faults. She was not a particularly loving mother, not very maternal, not nurturing. He was a badly behaved teenager (drug issues, school issues, etc.) who left home at 17 and then had fairly minimal interactions with his parents until he was about 35. He still does not enjoy spending time with her, but he does it, because he knows that she loves DD. If she lived locally, he would make an effort to facilitate their relationship even though he is basically on edge the whole time she's around.

He is perfectly happy to have me be the custodian of the relationship. She lives in Florida and we go to see her about once a year. I make and execute the plans. She seems okay with this arrangement as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
2) Have you asked your husband? Is there any reason you can't just ask him?

He won't say. He just says "we're not close". But he never says why. I'm not sure he knows, why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked your husband about this?

My husband does not have a close relationship with his mom. He acknowledges that it's both their faults. She was not a particularly loving mother, not very maternal, not nurturing. He was a badly behaved teenager (drug issues, school issues, etc.) who left home at 17 and then had fairly minimal interactions with his parents until he was about 35. He still does not enjoy spending time with her, but he does it, because he knows that she loves DD. If she lived locally, he would make an effort to facilitate their relationship even though he is basically on edge the whole time she's around.

He is perfectly happy to have me be the custodian of the relationship. She lives in Florida and we go to see her about once a year. I make and execute the plans. She seems okay with this arrangement as well.

OP here. Similar situation. She's not very warm or nurturing. He also had troubles as a teenage and left home early, got married at 19. Other siblings moved far away. MIL doesn't have close relationships with any of her grandchildren either.

I'm not sure I want to be the custodian of the relationship. Should I be? Is it my job? Yes, it's a relief for him, so he won't have to deal with her. I invite her over and suggest we visit her, but it never gets reciprocated. Should I stop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked your husband about this?

My husband does not have a close relationship with his mom. He acknowledges that it's both their faults. She was not a particularly loving mother, not very maternal, not nurturing. He was a badly behaved teenager (drug issues, school issues, etc.) who left home at 17 and then had fairly minimal interactions with his parents until he was about 35. He still does not enjoy spending time with her, but he does it, because he knows that she loves DD. If she lived locally, he would make an effort to facilitate their relationship even though he is basically on edge the whole time she's around.

He is perfectly happy to have me be the custodian of the relationship. She lives in Florida and we go to see her about once a year. I make and execute the plans. She seems okay with this arrangement as well.

OP here. Similar situation. She's not very warm or nurturing. He also had troubles as a teenage and left home early, got married at 19. Other siblings moved far away. MIL doesn't have close relationships with any of her grandchildren either.

I'm not sure I want to be the custodian of the relationship. Should I be? Is it my job? Yes, it's a relief for him, so he won't have to deal with her. I invite her over and suggest we visit her, but it never gets reciprocated. Should I stop?

PP here. It's not your job. If you don't want to do it, then don't. He doesn't have to have a relationship with his mom and neither do you. If that bothers her, she can be the one to reach out.

I like my MIL a lot and do not have his childhood baggage associated with her, so she doesn't bother me. I don't need her to be my mother, since I have a mother of my own. She is funny and smart and loves her son, but when she was younger, she had issues. I think she has fewer issues now, but I'm not going to tell him how to manage his own feelings about his mom. The reality is that he was really struggling as a teenager and probably could've used some love and warmth, and she was not able to give him that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think it bothers her. One time after DD was a toddler she cried to DH and said she wanted to be a part of her life.

That translated into DH having to pick up DD from daycare and drive to visit MIL every week to visit. Again, MIL never initiated anything herself - never offered to take DD or do anything, never came to our house.

After that we've been busy and stopped.

She loves to see DD, but she doesn't look comfortable babysitting her. She puts her up in front of TV most of the time. And DD prefers our teenage babysitter who actually plays with her.

[Anonymous]

Why do you feel you have to push this, OP? They're fine when they're with each other, but aren't close.

In my family, we love each other, enjoy each other's company, and would be there for each other in a heartbeat, but on a daily basis we don't appear close. We don't see each other or talk very often. We're just kind of private and introverted and busy people. My grown son lives in my neighborhood, and I try and give him space. He drops by every few weeks. His fiancee probably thinks we're weird and unloving, but I adore them. I'm just trying to give them space, and live my life. My parents and grandparents were the same.

[Anonymous]

You definitely don't have to be custodian of your DH's relationship with his mom.

You can help shape DD's relationship with her grandmother, but only slightly. Invite her over as you wish, but don't expect her to take up the slack. It sounds like it's her issue, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it bothers her. One time after DD was a toddler she cried to DH and said she wanted to be a part of her life.

That translated into DH having to pick up DD from daycare and drive to visit MIL every week to visit. Again, MIL never initiated anything herself - never offered to take DD or do anything, never came to our house.

After that we've been busy and stopped.

She loves to see DD, but she doesn't look comfortable babysitting her. She puts her up in front of TV most of the time. And DD prefers our teenage babysitter who actually plays with her.

If this is how she goes about things, crying about a situation, and then expecting someone else to manage it for her, yet not being terribly interactive when given the chance, I think your DH is a genius. He's figured out how to put energy into the family he is buidling with you, without letting the negatives about his family of origin hold him back.

You have a keeper. Smile. Also, lavish some love on him. It doesn't sound like he got that much growing up.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to fix the relationship between DH and his mom.

However if YOU wanted a relationship with the woman, give it a shot. Call her, go over to watch TV together. Invite her to a movie. Just understand she's not a planner. So she might not pick up the phone. But she says yes to invitations. I'm like this. I love people but forget to initiate.

[Anonymous]

Don't push it, OP.

Your DH has to own his sh*t, before you can be supportive.

My DH was like this, and I found out (myself, over time) that half of his family was/is abusive to DH for no reason. They are bullies, and DH is a good man, so they see a target. But if I waited for DH to call them on it, it would never happen. I call them on things that really matter to me, but I choose my battles, because the are masters of denial.