question about visits with family

[Anonymous]

how do you, as an adult with a spouse and children of your own, deal with planning visits to see your parents and in-laws (your kids' grandparents)?

Do you just assume your parents/in-laws want your family to come visit them (and stay with them) and ask them when would be a good time for you to come (essentially inviting yourself though) or do you wait until they specifically ask you to come visit them?

I know my parents and my in-laws love seeing my kids (and me and my husband) but I'm just wondering if it is too presumptuous to propose a date that we come visit or if we should let them be the ones to more formally invite us to come? I don't want to put them in an awkward position of feeling forced to host us but I want to go ahead and plan our summer travels and they haven't said anything indicating they expect us to visit...

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why this is even an issue. They are your parents -- can't you just ask them their thoughts on this? Just say you are planning summer travels and wanted to leave room in the schedule to see them if they are interested. Have your spouse do the same with his/her parents.

[Anonymous]

DH or I basically just announce "We're thinking of coming to NY at the end of May." Then the in-laws say "Excellent! Which dates? We're so excited. Do you want to see a show? Can we babysit? Where do you want us to make reservations?"

Or

I tell my father "We'll be in LA at the end of May."
Him "Oh. Okay."
Me "So maybe we'll have lunch?"
Him "Call me. If I'm around, maybe."

The in-laws bought an apartment for us to use when we're in town. So we don't really feel bad announcing we're coming to visit.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you have a really formal way of talking with your family. How it works in my family:

Me: I'd love to come visit soon!
Them: We'd love that too!
Me: Here are three dates that work for us, do any of these work for you?
Them: The first two look great, the last one not so much.
Me: Awesome!

Then we visit. We've always stayed with them, so we work on that assumption. If I'm going for a holiday, I ask if we need a hotel since sometimes there's other family already coming and the guest room is "booked".

It works the same in reverse as well. It's the same way you visit ANYONE you are fond of...just *talk* about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is even an issue. They are your parents -- can't you just ask them their thoughts on this? Just say you are planning summer travels and wanted to leave room in the schedule to see them if they are interested. Have your spouse do the same with his/her parents.

yes i can just ask them what they think. i guess in posting this i was more just interested in what others do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH or I basically just announce "We're thinking of coming to NY at the end of May." Then the in-laws say "Excellent! Which dates? We're so excited. Do you want to see a show? Can we babysit? Where do you want us to make reservations?"

Or

I tell my father "We'll be in LA at the end of May."
Him "Oh. Okay."
Me "So maybe we'll have lunch?"
Him "Call me. If I'm around, maybe."

The in-laws bought an apartment for us to use when we're in town. So we don't really feel bad announcing we're coming to visit.

I'd like that hook-up too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH or I basically just announce "We're thinking of coming to NY at the end of May." Then the in-laws say "Excellent! Which dates? We're so excited. Do you want to see a show? Can we babysit? Where do you want us to make reservations?"

Or

I tell my father "We'll be in LA at the end of May."
Him "Oh. Okay."
Me "So maybe we'll have lunch?"
Him "Call me. If I'm around, maybe."

The in-laws bought an apartment for us to use when we're in town. So we don't really feel bad announcing we're coming to visit.

I'd like that hook-up too.

We both travel to NY for work, and it makes things super convenient. We can bring the kids so the grandparents get time with them, and we can eat much healthier than eating out and expensing the costs. Plus we leave some stuff there for the kids. It's really great of them. I am an only child, so if you'd like to be my sibling please be non-crazy and don't use the apartment when we're there (about a week each month). I like exchanging gifts, fyi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you have a really formal way of talking with your family. How it works in my family:

Me: I'd love to come visit soon!
Them: We'd love that too!
Me: Here are three dates that work for us, do any of these work for you?
Them: The first two look great, the last one not so much.
Me: Awesome!

Then we visit. We've always stayed with them, so we work on that assumption. If I'm going for a holiday, I ask if we need a hotel since sometimes there's other family already coming and the guest room is "booked".

It works the same in reverse as well. It's the same way you visit ANYONE you are fond of...just *talk* about it.

Yeah, I guess maybe it is a little more formal than most. When we are actually together it's not formal at all but we have lived so far away from each other for so long and don't get a chance to visit very often that I guess when it comes to planning to visits, it does feel formal...we can't just at the last minute decide to drive up for the weekend or something. Visiting them involves at least one flight and at least an hour's drive from the airport once we arrive. It's also quite expensive. So maybe those factors have made it become a bit more formal over the years. And with the expense and trouble involved, I suppose I'd feel better about doing the trip if they would say hey, when are you guys coming this summer? instead of waiting around for us to ask when we can come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We both travel to NY for work, and it makes things super convenient. We can bring the kids so the grandparents get time with them, and we can eat much healthier than eating out and expensing the costs. Plus we leave some stuff there for the kids. It's really great of them. I am an only child, so if you'd like to be my sibling please be non-crazy and don't use the apartment when we're there (about a week each month). I like exchanging gifts, fyi.

Are you sure you need siblings? It sounds as though you need another dad. (Too mean? I probably just disqualified myself from the sibling contest.)

[Anonymous]

A lot of our visits are based on need rather than just to visit. A holiday, wedding, family event.
My parents have never asked or suggested a visit. They also never make plans, even a simple dinner plan, when we visit. My mom seems bothered when we stay with her but is super pissed if we don't. I can't win.
My MIL is better about mentioning events that are happening if we want to come but doesn't want to pressure us to feel obligated.

Usually, the parents come to us, unless we have reasons to be home. Financially, it is far cheaper for their 2 tickets than our family tickets. Logistically, with small kids it is easier. And we can focus on them during our visit vs when we travel to them we have so many family and obligations it becomes so stressful and everyone feels like they didn't get enough time with us.

Maybe they aren't suggesting it because they know it is a big expense and a big effort for you and your family to travel to them. They don't want you to feel pressure? Or maybe your mom is passive aggressive like mine and wants you to be some sort of mind reader to know when she wants you to visit but refuses to tell you.

[Anonymous]

In our family, if you are my ILs, you announce when you are coming after you've already booked tickets, plans that we may have had for anything be damned. If you are my parents you call and say "Hey, we'd love to come visit in May, are there any weekends that work for you?" In the reverse, I do what my parents do with them and I let my H deal with the ILs, so a visit to them has only happened once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of our visits are based on need rather than just to visit. A holiday, wedding, family event.
My parents have never asked or suggested a visit. They also never make plans, even a simple dinner plan, when we visit. My mom seems bothered when we stay with her but is super pissed if we don't. I can't win.
My MIL is better about mentioning events that are happening if we want to come but doesn't want to pressure us to feel obligated.

Usually, the parents come to us, unless we have reasons to be home. Financially, it is far cheaper for their 2 tickets than our family tickets. Logistically, with small kids it is easier. And we can focus on them during our visit vs when we travel to them we have so many family and obligations it becomes so stressful and everyone feels like they didn't get enough time with us.

Maybe they aren't suggesting it because they know it is a big expense and a big effort for you and your family to travel to them. They don't want you to feel pressure? Or maybe your mom is passive aggressive like mine and wants you to be some sort of mind reader to know when she wants you to visit but refuses to tell you.

OP here: yes, this is my parents. Only it's my dad who is more of the passive aggressive one. When we stay with them, he acts so put upon...can't sit still for even a few minutes because he's "so busy" cleaning, going to the grocery, making dinner, etc. but whenever we have suggested we stay at a hotel instead to decrease his workload, he gets really offended. arg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why this is even an issue. They are your parents -- can't you just ask them their thoughts on this? Just say you are planning summer travels and wanted to leave room in the schedule to see them if they are interested. Have your spouse do the same with his/her parents.

yes i can just ask them what they think. i guess in posting this i was more just interested in what others do

FWIW, my family and my in-laws live in a different party of the country, so visits have to be arranged in advance, and we always stay with family. We usually just let the families know when we are thinking of coming, figure out which dates work, etc. It's a pretty open conversation. None of them have ever formally invited us or asked us to visit. We get the occasional "When do we get to see you next?" during a random conversation, but nothing more than that. I think the assumption is that we are busy with kids and work and will let them know when it works for us.

[Anonymous]

I know my parents well enough to know that they want us to visit and want us to stay with them, because that means they get the max amount of baby time possible. The only time I've questioned whether we should get a hotel was the last visit - my brother's now married, so his family + ours + my parents + other siblings & their SOs is one cramped place and we'll get a hotel next time we're all in town together again.

With DH's parents, different cultural context - they would be very insulted if we stayed in a hotel. I brought it up in the past and was very quickly shushed before my MIL could hear it.

[Anonymous]

My parents welcome a visit any time - If I say "hey, we're thinking of coming up the first weekend in June" they say - "great! tell me what you want for dinner the night you get here. we have plans for Saturday night but of course we'll reschedule".

My ILs will say "Well we were hoping to sleep in that Saturday, and I don't know if I can take the boxes out of the guest room by then, so we'll let you know".

Just know your audience. If you're imposing, they'll find a way to let you know, and if they're excited to see you any time anyhow they'll let you know that too.