Help - how to turn down a job

[Anonymous]

I've never been in this position before, but it's awkward and I could use some advice.

I was with my old organization over 10 years. I got very burnt out. The job was reasonable in terms of hours, but it was stressful and the culture was not super flexible. I got away with some stuff in terms of keeping "mom hours" because I did good work and had a good reputation, but I reached a breaking point and left when I found a new opportunity.

I've been with the new job just over one year. In some ways, it's been good. I'm learning a lot and the work is reasonably interesting. I'm making a bit more money salary wise and it's a lot more flexible, though comes with it's own stresses. The old place just offered me a new role.

Here's the thing: I don't want to burn bridges but I don't want the job. I know what the culture is like, the new job would be stressful, and I want to give this position at least two years before I leave, if not more. But these two people making the offer are VERY PUSHY and are both used to getting their way/don't take no for an answer. It was actually a very stressful process to leave the first time!!!!

I was totally caught off guard by the offer. I AM flattered, and it is a great opportunity for someone, just not me. I'm burnt out on that place and that role. I feel like I owe it to the old team to meet - it is leadership at my old company and like I said don't want to burn bridges. I did say, honestly on the phone, that I don't feel in a position to leave, that I'm flattered but want to manage expectations etc. But I'm nervous about actually sitting down and standing my ground. Have you ever dealt with people like this? Have you ever had to decline a job offer!!?

Tips???

[Anonymous]

First off OP, this is not a bad thing. Another place wants you, right? It just so happens to be your old shop.

Why not go in, completely hear them out and what they have to say, and, listen to what they haver to offer? Be open-minded. You are in the power position here. Just let them keep talking. See what happens. As a last resort, you can always ask for an insane amount of money to make yet another switch back to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First off OP, this is not a bad thing. Another place wants you, right? It just so happens to be your old shop.

Why not go in, completely hear them out and what they have to say, and, listen to what they haver to offer? Be open-minded. You are in the power position here. Just let them keep talking. See what happens. As a last resort, you can always ask for an insane amount of money to make yet another switch back to them.

You're right, I totally get that. I am very appreciative. The fact is they will probably up my salary and promise me a lot but I KNOW the culture. I left because there are either men in leadership positions, women with no kids, women whose kids are grown, or women with 1 child. I have two. And I have a supportive husband, but it's tiring. There are just no role models there. I have no doubt it would be GREAT for my career, but I am not looking for that right now. I need some balance in my life.

I read Lean In and I'm a huge fan. I think it's great that women can do it all and I think some women can. I know what I can do: I can hold down a good job, doing interesting work, making good money, and be a good mom. I can't hold down a great job, with huge responsibility, and be the mom I want to be right now. And maybe if I am just honest with them they won't push it. I just know they will promise me flexibility etc., but if there is no one else working that schedule, it falls apart.

What I can't say is "I don't believe you." But I've seen it happen. I'm not in biglaw, but I've seen posts on here saying that positions like that have been scaled down, promised four days a week, promised flex time etc. but they end up always working extra. I am willing to trade off less money and less prestige for balance. I just need to grow a pair and say that I guess.

[Anonymous]

Can you just stress the "I'm not in a position to be leaving my new opportunity" stuff without mentioning the mom stuff and the balance? That way if you need to go back in the future for some unforeseeable reason you haven't mommy tracked yourself. Unless you would actually take the job if offered an insane amount of money and a contact signed in blood that your hours would not exceed 40 per week, I don't see the upside for you in discussing balance. But maybe it could help other people at the firm to have someone say the balance was unworkable...

[Anonymous]

Just tell them that you are flattered by the offer but that you are committed to your current position. Don't over explain or they will try to pressure you with counter offers.

If they are really pushy, then they might get upset that you turned them down but that would further validate your leaving that workplace culture anyway.

[Anonymous]

Just curious...what do people consider a huge increase in percentage terms? It appears I am in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know what you mean about the "I don't believe you" thing.

I was recently offered a job, and I was not pleased with the offer. They altered it with some promises of things that *might* happen and kept saying "probably" and "likely."

I didn't know how to tell them that the whole negotiation process kind of made me just not believe what they were promising and there would be little recourse for me if their promises didn't materialize (other than quitting).

But you can't say, "I don't believe you."

Just tell them that you are really committed to your current position and not ready to leave. Don't even mention the other stuff. It's not worth debating.

I kind of regret in my negotiation process saying as much as I did about why the initial offer wasn't right for me. It didn't help get me a better offer and maybe even worked against that.

I think if I would have framed it all in a different way without giving too many details that they might have come back with a better offer.

I know that is not your situation. But you might at one point in the future go back to work for them. And they might use whatever you tell them now to work against you in the future.

Just focus on the positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know what you mean about the "I don't believe you" thing.

I was recently offered a job, and I was not pleased with the offer. They altered it with some promises of things that *might* happen and kept saying "probably" and "likely."

I didn't know how to tell them that the whole negotiation process kind of made me just not believe what they were promising and there would be little recourse for me if their promises didn't materialize (other than quitting).

But you can't say, "I don't believe you."

Just tell them that you are really committed to your current position and not ready to leave. Don't even mention the other stuff. It's not worth debating.

I kind of regret in my negotiation process saying as much as I did about why the initial offer wasn't right for me. It didn't help get me a better offer and maybe even worked against that.

I think if I would have framed it all in a different way without giving too many details that they might have come back with a better offer.

I know that is not your situation. But you might at one point in the future go back to work for them. And they might use whatever you tell them now to work against you in the future.

Just focus on the positive.

Thanks. I don't want to make it about culture and flexibility, that is huge but it's not everything. I am really burnt out on the old place's issue. I believe in them, but don't want to a big job pursuing them right now. My current job lets me focus on a broader range of issues and do different things. I'm learning different skills and though it is not perfect, feel strongly that I need to stay put for a while. That is what I will focus on, though I won't use the word "burnt out."

To the other person who asked about percentage increase. I made around 100K at the old place. I got about an 18% increase off the base salary. Probably a little less if you count my bonus at the old place, but bonus was really small.

If I move back, I could probably leverage a 15% raise, up from my current salary at the new place. If I'm being honest, money-wise at the end of the day I may fare better over the next five years at the old place. But probably not by much. And it will come at a cost of a lot more stress and time away from my kids. So not worth it to me. And I think the new place will give me better leverage career-wise down the road in terms of moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious...what do people consider a huge increase in percentage terms? It appears I am in a similar situation.

Like as in at least 75% increase in base salary, and, that you are earning well over $100K per year.

[Anonymous]

First, the difficulty in your saying no to an interview points to something toxic in the organization (or your relationship to it). It's possible that these people will hate you forever if you say no, and if that's the case you've dodged a bullet.

The single issue/multiple issues question could give you a good out, though. You could say that your new job where you're dealing with issues A, B, C, N, Q and Y is helping you see issue Y in a more nuanced way, and your learning process is not yet complete. You could imply that in a few more years you'll be ready to return to single-issue work, keeping the door open for the next time they may want to throw $ at you.

[Anonymous]

You sound really, really reasonable and responsible in your post -- as well as considerate and worried about how all of this will appear to them. I think you won't go wrong if you just approach the conversation exactly like this. Nothing you said set off alarm bells, and I think you sound like you'd be respectful but also firm.

I would focus on the fact that you feel you owe it to the next group of people you're working with to see through this position for a bit longer. Say you've been working on some projects that are about to get really exciting and you feel like it would be a sad time to leave right now. Emphasize that you eventually may ("may," not "would") love to come back to your old company but that you feel like you gave your previous job there a good run and you want to see this one through to a similar extent.

Perhaps emphasize that you want to learn more outside of the company before you move back to it -- that you feel this will be an important educational experience that you don't want to pass up.

Ultimately, if you don't want the job, don't take it. Don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't want to do. And if they are really truly that pushy, you DON'T want to work with or for them, so don't worry too much if you burn those bridges!!!