My wife's mean, mean mother

[Anonymous]

My wife is a wonderful woman to whom I've been married for over ten years and is the mother of our little son. She is an accomplished professional and has always been a great daughter. But since I've known her, she has has a very dysfunctional relationship with her mother. In essence, her mother is very mean to her on a regular basis, constantly attacks my wife's self-esteem, does a lot of comparing my wife's life with other people (money, house, etc.) and criticizes my wife very harshly at every opportunity. My wife, on the other hand, craves her mother's acceptance and suffers hugely pretty much all the time. Also, she is just incapable of standing up to her mother (she is no wallflower in general but someone just cannot manage her mom in any way--so my poor wife suffers in silence most of the time). I hate to see how mean my MIL is to my wife and how my wife seems incapable of managing her mother. Any advice on how I can help?!

[Anonymous]

Your wife needs to cut ties with her mother. The relationship is toxic.

If you ate food that made you feel sick, would you keep eating it ? Same thing.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I should add that my MIL showers our DS with attention and funds an expensive private education for him, which makes my wife say "see, my mother is not so bad" despite the verbal and emotional abuse (which seems to be targeted exclusively at my wife and no one else in MIL's life . . . for reasons I don't understand).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife needs to cut ties with her mother. The relationship is toxic.

If you ate food that made you feel sick, would you keep eating it ? Same thing.

Easier said than done. Even abused kids defend their parents b/c they are the only parents they've ever known.

OP, I would stand up for your wife the next time her mother makes a demeaning remark. Just, saying, "That wasn't very polite," with a pointed silence might help.

Your wife has to come to the realization on her own that she doesn't deserve to be treated poorly and will need to make up her own mind as to what she will do about it. You can be her champion though.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I should add that my MIL showers our DS with attention and funds an expensive private education for him, which makes my wife say "see, my mother is not so bad" despite the verbal and emotional abuse (which seems to be targeted exclusively at my wife and no one else in MIL's life . . . for reasons I don't understand).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add that my MIL showers our DS with attention and funds an expensive private education for him, which makes my wife say "see, my mother is not so bad" despite the verbal and emotional abuse (which seems to be targeted exclusively at my wife and no one else in MIL's life . . . for reasons I don't understand).

Your wife is willing to put up with her mother's abusive behavior and it is not just because of the financial strings. This was going on long before DS and you came on the scene and will continue until your wife decides she has had enough, if ever. You have my sympathy, OP, since you have to watch it play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add that my MIL showers our DS with attention and funds an expensive private education for him, which makes my wife say "see, my mother is not so bad" despite the verbal and emotional abuse (which seems to be targeted exclusively at my wife and no one else in MIL's life . . . for reasons I don't understand).

I'd rather send my child to public school than put up with my ILs abusing my spouse. Soon MIL will be trying to buy your child's loyalty with her expensive gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add that my MIL showers our DS with attention and funds an expensive private education for him, which makes my wife say "see, my mother is not so bad" despite the verbal and emotional abuse (which seems to be targeted exclusively at my wife and no one else in MIL's life . . . for reasons I don't understand).

Is this why you don't stand up to your MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add that my MIL showers our DS with attention and funds an expensive private education for him, which makes my wife say "see, my mother is not so bad" despite the verbal and emotional abuse (which seems to be targeted exclusively at my wife and no one else in MIL's life . . . for reasons I don't understand).

I'd rather send my child to public school than put up with my ILs abusing my spouse. Soon MIL will be trying to buy your child's loyalty with her expensive gifts.

+1. I don't put up with my ILs giving crap to my DH and they're not paying for anything for us! Your child's education is not worth your partner's dignity and self-resepct. Would she speak to a therapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add that my MIL showers our DS with attention and funds an expensive private education for him, which makes my wife say "see, my mother is not so bad" despite the verbal and emotional abuse (which seems to be targeted exclusively at my wife and no one else in MIL's life . . . for reasons I don't understand).

[b]I'd rather send my child to public school than put up with my ILs abusing my spouse. Soon MIL will be trying to buy your child's loyalty with her expensive gifts.

[/b]
+1. I don't put up with my ILs giving crap to my DH and they're not paying for anything for us! Your child's education is not worth your partner's dignity and self-resepct. Would she speak to a therapist?

OP, can you see that probably your MIL thinks she can treat your wife this way because MIL is paying for your child's education? Grandma is buying herself the "right" to "speak her mind." I would bet that if MIL were asked by some outside observer, "Why do you criticized Daughter so much? She seems together and successful and nice," your MIL would reply that she is "just being frank and honest" and "just helping Daughter by 'telling it like it is.'" There are so many people like this--who believe in their personal versions of reality that they are never harsh or wrong, they are only honest and forthright and frank, and that is of course good and right and healthy for the person hearing their constant "honesty."

This cannot be changed, not this late in the game, on MIL's side. But your wife CAN learn to stop wanting to please her mother. Therapy, extensive and serious, for your wife. And I would truly cut the financial ties first (because grandma will hold that over all three of you, forever, and it yokes your family to her) and then second, cut most ties with grandma. I agree with the person above that MIL is going to start buying off your child with more than an education, eventually.

Worst of all: Do you really want your child to grow up watching grandma being so profoundly disrespectful of his mother? That teaches your son that YOU tolerate MIL treating your wife this way, and over time, the message your son will take away for his adulthood is that it is normal for one parent to let the other one be disrespected like this. (And right now, in your household, it is indeed normal because it's how you all live day to day without attempting to alter it.) And your son will lose respect, maybe even some affection, for his mother if he is hearing her berated by grandma. Your son is little now. Maybe he doesn't hear grandma's treatment of mom, but believe me - he will pick up on it more and more as he gets older, through little comments grandma will make to him.

Sounds like MIL lives geographically close to you. Too bad. But she is truly toxic and your wife needs therapy staring now. Would she do it, OP? Will you encourage her to do it, even push her, so that son doesn't grow up bought off by grandma and you don't all spend years enduring MIL's "I'm just telling the truth and being honest" crap? Stop it now, for your son. No education is worth letting him grow up seeing his mother disrespected and seeing his mother with no backbone to stand up to MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I should add that my MIL showers our DS with attention and funds an expensive private education for him, which makes my wife say "see, my mother is not so bad" despite the verbal and emotional abuse (which seems to be targeted exclusively at my wife and no one else in MIL's life . . . for reasons I don't understand).

Oh great and wait until your son is old enough so your MIL can unload all of her crap toward your wife on him, and your DS starts learning it's ok to have someone treat you poorly (or my mother poorly).

Do not sell out your wife because your DS and your MIL get along. Meaning, don't place any value on the relationship between MIL-DS when figuring out what to do with your DW-MIL situation.

[Anonymous]

OP, practice saying things like this:
"Stop talking to my wife like that."
"If you can't speak respectfully to my wife, I'll ask you to leave."
"It's not okay for you to speak that way to my wife."

[Anonymous]

My mother is like this. She was at her worst when we were dependent on her for a two months, when we lost our jobs during the recession.

Can you see the link here, OP? Money comes with strings attached. DH and I were traumatized, not so much by the temporary job loss, as by the insanely cruel things she said to us AND our young children while we were in her house for two months. She would phone her sisters and friends and complain about us, and pointedly highlight the fact that she was "saving" us and that we were ungrateful in every way, etc, etc. She called my DH names, said I had ruined my life by marrying him, called me and my children fat on a daily basis, accused us of tampering with the fridge, the water heater, the computer, anything she could think of. It was hell, and we got out as soon as we could.

Hopefully your wife will one day realize that no private education in the world can make up for lost dignity and respect.
You should politely thank MIL for her generous support until now, refuse further assistance and severely limit contact from now on. I guarantee she'll be much sweeter.
And you'll have your self-respect back!

[Anonymous]

This is an entrenched dynamic that is not going to change without a lot of therapy for your wife. If your wife has been verbally abused all her life, she has the personality and self-esteem of an abused child which is basically Stockholm Syndrome for her abuser -- she admires and loves her abuser. She is desperate to please her abuser and believes that one day she will be finally be able to behave in the "correct" manner that conforms with her abuser's ridiculous and unattainable expectations.

I disagree with others about directly confronting MIL in front of your wife or ordering her to stop in the manner 21:30 advocates. That's going to be too much for your wife and could even force her into tremendous anxiety attacks. I would take a much more low key approach, quietly disagreeing when she puts down your wife or demeans her. If MIL comments that X lives in a fancy house, point out that you love the way wife has decorated your house and it has always greatly appealed to you to live in a Cape Cod. If MIL puts down her recipe for chicken soup, you interject that wife's soup has always been your favorite and you have been craving it all day. Build wife up, don't tear MIL down. At the same time, keep encouraging wife to go to therapy. Also, if you can, in private between you and wife, subtly point out any contradictions in the criticisms MIL makes of wife. One day MIL says wife shouldn't wear sandals, the next day she says wife should always wear sandals. Which is it? Isn't MIL kind of ridiculous?

[Anonymous]

OP - What would you do if your MIL struck your wife? She is verbally assaulting her right in front of you.

Would you let your MIL treat your daughter this way?