My wife's mean, mean mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you thought about going with your wife to the therapist? Could help show your support.
Have you expressed your thoughts about your son's education--does your wife think that you will be mad if DS doesn't go to this private school? Not just do you think she would think that or not, but have the two of you had a conversation about it? Whose idea was it to send DS to the school in the first place? Did you ask MIL for the money or did she offer it up?
I'm asking a lot of questions about the school because it seems from your comments that your wife is hung up on it.
It's great that she's a high-achieving professional, but I think part of the reason for it is that she craves the attention from her mother, and still holds out hope that someday her mom might approve of her. This is the hardest thing to let go of when you've sought approval from somebody your whole life--you'll never be good enough in their eyes (even if you are a great, accomplished person in real life).

It shouldn't matter how much attention MIL shows DS. If she is narcissistic, it would be hard to believe she has no ulterior motives for the affection she shows. Or maybe she hates her daughter because she's not a man?

I agree with the PPs, you need to stand up for your wife if you can't do it for her. But you should tell her this ahead of time, so she doesn't try to stop you. She needs to let you do it, because if she tries to stop you, MIL will see this and know that your wife is "on her side" (AKA she's successfully brainwashed her).

Op here. I have been with my wife to see the therapist multiple times (as this problem has been going on since almost the first month we started dating many years ago -- about our 5th date in, my then girlfriend got a call from her mom where MIL yelled at her like a madwoman because MIL was upset at something completely unrelated to my wife -- some problem MIL was having with some work done on her house I think -- and really just wanted a punching bag -- I was stunned). I've told my wife that I support whatever steps she thinks she needs to take to manage the MIL relationship, including if it results in losing the education. By the way, we never ever asked for the education money; this was 100% offered and set-up by MIL completely on her own initiative. Because of this long and tortured history with MIL, we never ask for any money or anything else as we know there would be strings and abuse attached. (Here is another wonderful anecdote: when we were planning our wedding, we wanted a very small wedding; MIL offered -- completely 100% on her own initiative -- to pay for a larger wedding -- which both wife and I were pretty uncomfortable with. After about three weeks of planning, MIL calls my wife out of the blue and starts berating wife for "wanting" MIL to pay for the wedding, and how wife is an adult and should not be "asking" for a wedding and that MIL had talked to all her friends and they all told her wife is an adult professional and should absolutely not be "asking" for her mother to pay and how out of place and irresponsible and immature my wife was -- despite the fact that we never asked for anything and MIL offered and got the plan moving all on her own! -- I was, again, totally speechless).

[Anonymous]

My great-aunt was a very manipulative person. She became wealthy in her forties after marrying a much-older wealthy man and feeding him to death (according to family lore). Periodically, she would make the rounds of her less-fortunate family members, dropping off her famous baked goods and catching up on the family gossip. My oldest sister and my mother got into a fight while making wedding preparations about whether my parents could afford the flowers my sister wanted. My sister was anxious to impress her soon-to-be ILs and decided to go over my mother's head and ask Great Aunt for help. She gleefully agreed (had no grandchildren of her own) and everyone at the wedding knew what she did because she made sure to tell everyone. My mother was completely humiliated and it drove a wedge between her and my sister for decades. Don't let this happen to your family, OP.