My friend's husband sucks

[Anonymous]

Don't want to give too many details, but a friend has been confiding in me that her husband is just generally an asshole. Two young kids, both work FT. He's selfish, inconsiderate, etc - not abusive, but just unpleasant to be around and she tells me they essentially just co-exist in their home at this point. She seems genuinely unhappy and I'm not sure how to help. Some of the things she tells me are awful - again not abusive, but totally disrespectful etc - and I'm not sure how to respond. Do I tell her it will get better when the kids are older (I hope?) Do I encourage her to leave, though that might make it even more difficult logistically for her (he DOES help with the kids, but on his terms etc, and she doesn't make enough to support them on her own).

Any advice would be appreciated - I'm sort of at a loss when she says these things and I'm not sure how much if at all she confides in family or other friends. I'm the same age, with kids the same age, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

There's really nothing to be done by you except lend an understanding ear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't want to give too many details, but a friend has been confiding in me that her husband is just generally an asshole. Two young kids, both work FT. He's selfish, inconsiderate, etc - not abusive, but just unpleasant to be around and she tells me they essentially just co-exist in their home at this point. She seems genuinely unhappy and I'm not sure how to help. Some of the things she tells me are awful - again not abusive, but totally disrespectful etc - and I'm not sure how to respond. Do I tell her it will get better when the kids are older (I hope?) Do I encourage her to leave, though that might make it even more difficult logistically for her (he DOES help with the kids, but on his terms etc, and she doesn't make enough to support them on her own).

Any advice would be appreciated - I'm sort of at a loss when she says these things and I'm not sure how much if at all she confides in family or other friends. I'm the same age, with kids the same age, FWIW.

Does she ask advice or simply vent?

[Anonymous]

I would not encourage her to take any particular path. She has to figure that out for herself. What you can do is listen and ask her questions, like

have you talked to him about it?
have you thought about getting counseling?
are you thinking of leaving him?

If she starts to lean in one direction, again, you can listen and provide support. Be very careful about telling her what she should do. She may resent you for it later and not want to talk any more. Sounds like she really needs a sounding board. I don't think that means you don't provide any advice. If she starts talking about wanting a divorce, but says she can't leave for X reasons, you could help her figure out how to start preparing now.

[Anonymous]

I could've written this. Mostly I just lend them a sympathetic ear and recommend counseling (when applicable). If they say he is a jerk who will never change I don't disagree with them. I don't actively encourage them to leave but if they mention it I don't discourage it or act shocked by it. Sometimes they just need to know that their DH's behavior is NOT normal and not just how everyone's husband acts so they can realize that they can/should have better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not encourage her to take any particular path. She has to figure that out for herself. What you can do is listen and ask her questions, like

have you talked to him about it?
have you thought about getting counseling?
are you thinking of leaving him?

If she starts to lean in one direction, again, you can listen and provide support. Be very careful about telling her what she should do. She may resent you for it later and not want to talk any more. Sounds like she really needs a sounding board. I don't think that means you don't provide any advice. If she starts talking about wanting a divorce, but says she can't leave for X reasons, you could help her figure out how to start preparing now.

This is helpful, thanks (this is OP). They are in counseling but it doesn't seem to be working. She will start to talk about it (mostly over IM, rarely in person) and then withdraw, as if she is either guilty for sharing their private business or embarrassed of his behavior (and that I might see her as 'putting up with it.') It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't want to give too many details, but a friend has been confiding in me that her husband is just generally an asshole. Two young kids, both work FT. He's selfish, inconsiderate, etc - not abusive, but just unpleasant to be around and she tells me they essentially just co-exist in their home at this point. She seems genuinely unhappy and I'm not sure how to help. Some of the things she tells me are awful - again not abusive, but totally disrespectful etc - and I'm not sure how to respond. Do I tell her it will get better when the kids are older (I hope?) Do I encourage her to leave, though that might make it even more difficult logistically for her (he DOES help with the kids, but on his terms etc, and she doesn't make enough to support them on her own).

Any advice would be appreciated - I'm sort of at a loss when she says these things and I'm not sure how much if at all she confides in family or other friends. I'm the same age, with kids the same age, FWIW.

Does she ask advice or simply vent?

It is more of a vent than anything .. but I think she'd be too proud to ask for help, per se.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could've written this. Mostly I just lend them a sympathetic ear and recommend counseling (when applicable). If they say he is a jerk who will never change I don't disagree with them. I don't actively encourage them to leave but if they mention it I don't discourage it or act shocked by it. Sometimes they just need to know that their DH's behavior is NOT normal and not just how everyone's husband acts so they can realize that they can/should have better.

+1

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this and mostly I just listen and act like I get it, which I don't. No judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could've written this. Mostly I just lend them a sympathetic ear and recommend counseling (when applicable). If they say he is a jerk who will never change I don't disagree with them. I don't actively encourage them to leave but if they mention it I don't discourage it or act shocked by it. Sometimes they just need to know that their DH's behavior is NOT normal and not just how everyone's husband acts so they can realize that they can/should have better.

+1

This is exactly it (op here). I think she DOES know that it isn't normal, but doesn't know what to do, and I don't blame her - I wouldn't either.

[Anonymous]

My BIL is like this and my sister often vents to me. She is pretty much stuck at this point, with two kids. I listen and let her vent.

[Anonymous]

OP, don't be so sure there isn't abuse. People often hide the more unsavory details and talk just about the stuff that is more ordinary. I know I did that. For a long time.

Now I think very differently about these topics when brought up. The mere fact that it bothers you enough to post here is a red flag to me that something is up beyond what you know.

[Anonymous]

It might be nice to offer to watch her kids while she goes to counseling. Sometimes it's tough just to figure out the logistics of how to get out, get help.

[Anonymous]

10:34 again, I would wonder what you mean by not abusive but really unpleasant.

Being verbally or emotionally abusive, perhaps? Is he putting her down or belittling her? Is he yelling and raging at her? Does she alter her behavior or actions so as not to get him upset? Is he controlling at all? These are the kinds of things that would be a problem beyond just being unpleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not encourage her to take any particular path. She has to figure that out for herself. What you can do is listen and ask her questions, like

have you talked to him about it?
have you thought about getting counseling?
are you thinking of leaving him?

If she starts to lean in one direction, again, you can listen and provide support. Be very careful about telling her what she should do. She may resent you for it later and not want to talk any more. Sounds like she really needs a sounding board. I don't think that means you don't provide any advice. If she starts talking about wanting a divorce, but says she can't leave for X reasons, you could help her figure out how to start preparing now.

This is helpful, thanks (this is OP). They are in counseling but it doesn't seem to be working. She will start to talk about it (mostly over IM, rarely in person) and then withdraw, as if she is either guilty for sharing their private business or embarrassed of his behavior (and that I might see her as 'putting up with it.') It's hard.

You’re welcome. I recently went through a tough time with my DH. When I talked to friends about it, I would cringe when any of them started telling me what I had to do. A couple of them were adamant that I “had to leave.” When they started talking like that I got defensive and it turned me off from continuing to talk to them. I appreciated more the friends who would listen, and who said things like “if what you need to do is leave, then that is fine and I will be here for you.” I really needed to work through it in my own head, but having people listen was helpful. I ended up staying with DH, and things are getting so much better now between us.