My friend's husband sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could've written this. Mostly I just lend them a sympathetic ear and recommend counseling (when applicable). If they say he is a jerk who will never change I don't disagree with them. I don't actively encourage them to leave but if they mention it I don't discourage it or act shocked by it. Sometimes they just need to know that their DH's behavior is NOT normal and not just how everyone's husband acts so they can realize that they can/should have better.

+1

This is exactly it (op here). I think she DOES know that it isn't normal, but doesn't know what to do, and I don't blame her - I wouldn't either.

I'm the quoted PP- it's such a tough spot to be in. Especially with all of the judgment she could face from some people for leaving; the voices that tell people to stay unless there is abuse or addiction can be hard to escape. But just by being a friend who isn't heaping that judgment on her, who realizes there can be more to life than the awful marriage she has is helpful. I agree that she is also embarrassed, so never bring it up unless she does and continue to treat her husband respectfully. I just emphasize to my friends that I'll support them whatever they decide to do, and that also gets the idea across that they do in fact have choices, albeit tough ones.

The wrinkle here is the IM conversations- I'd be careful about what I put in writing for fear of the husband coming across it and making things more difficult for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't want to give too many details, but a friend has been confiding in me that her husband is just generally an asshole. Two young kids, both work FT. He's selfish, inconsiderate, etc - not abusive, but just unpleasant to be around and she tells me they essentially just co-exist in their home at this point. She seems genuinely unhappy and I'm not sure how to help. Some of the things she tells me are awful - again not abusive, but totally disrespectful etc - and I'm not sure how to respond. Do I tell her it will get better when the kids are older (I hope?) Do I encourage her to leave, though that might make it even more difficult logistically for her (he DOES help with the kids, but on his terms etc, and she doesn't make enough to support them on her own).

Any advice would be appreciated - I'm sort of at a loss when she says these things and I'm not sure how much if at all she confides in family or other friends. I'm the same age, with kids the same age, FWIW.

Does she ask advice or simply vent?

It is more of a vent than anything .. but I think she'd be too proud to ask for help, per se.

Ever hear of ''don't ask, don't tell''? Well, if they don't ask, then don't tell. It will do little good and there are a myriad of reasons to adhere to that.

[Anonymous]

Honestly. . . just asking "for a friend?"

Bwahahahahahahaha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly. . . just asking "for a friend?"

Bwahahahahahahaha.

Op here - not sure what you're implying? Either way, yes, looking for advice on how to help a struggling friend.

[Anonymous]

I told a friend that I thought she should break up with her emotionally abusive boy friend. She did the classic move of get back together with the man and ditch the woman.

Just listen is the best advice. Sorry your friend is in a bad position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly. . . just asking "for a friend?"

Bwahahahahahahaha.

Lovely response - so helpful and sensitive.

[Anonymous]

I say test her. Tell her about some of your problems; trouble sleeping, something at work, rude cashier at the grocery store, pain in your left pinky toe, whatever. See if she lends a sympathetic ear or gives you reassurance for your problems. If she does then as a friend by all means do the same with regard to her issues and like PP's have suggested don't tell her what route to take but listen and be encouraging.
If she doesn't lend a sympathetic ear or offer any reassurance regarding your problems and instead wants to brush your concerns off and get back to what's troubling her than don't waste another second worrying about what's going on with her marriage. She's selfish and just using you as temporal gratification for the attention she isn't getting at home. Don't let her use you. Tell her take it up with her husband if she's so distraught.

[Anonymous]

If she is super-miserable as her friend it must not be easy to hear over and over.

After all, you love your friend and want only the best things for her.

By listening to her vent, you are doing her a huge service. Everyone needs to have someone in their lives who they can vent to, who will not judge them, etc.

You can recommend counseling for them, perhaps even offer to watch their kids if they are for it.

Other than that, your hands are tied now.

At the end of the day, it is HER own life and it is entirely up to her how to handle her personal issues.

I wish you all luck.