Opposites attracted; now, not so much

[Anonymous]

DH and I are opposites, but with common life goals. When we first got together it was really fun to be with someone so unlike me. And vice versa. Now, 10 years and one kid later, it doesn't seem like so much fun anymore because we can't stop arguing about our differences. Almost every argument involves blame and it's exhausting.

DH's MO is to automatically blame someone the moment anything goes the slightest bit wrong. After a while, I got so tired of being blamed constantly that I started pointing out when he was actually to blame. Now we're in this vicious cycle and I can't stand the dynamic. He even puts blame on our DS (3) for little things like spilling a bit of water when he's carrying a cup to the table. DH can't stand any kind of mess.

I liked that DH was so self-confident and sure of himself. Now I just see it as being self-centered. He prides himself on keeping our finances in tip-top shape ( not that we're wealthy, he just can account for every penny going in and out). That's great, but he's a control freak in every other way as well. He loves to indulge and makes lots of room in the budget for his own indulgences (constant eating out), which used to be really fun but now his health isn't great and he refuses to change any habits.

I know that we chose each other to make up for the characteristics that we lack in ourselves, but I'm getting to the point where I'm ok with my own pros and cons. All of the walking on eggshells is causing me to put lots of physical and emotional distance between us. I see my own therapist and she has encouraged me to communicate better with DH about this, but I honestly don't think he'll change. In the past he's made an effort for a little bit, but he's not going to change who he is, nor should he necessarily have to.

But I don't know if this wedge between us is too big. Or even if I want to remove it. I feel kind of beaten down and don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. But the alternative doesn't seem great either, and I would hate to do that to our 3 yo son. DH doesn't believe in therapy and I think if he got the real gist of how I'm feeling he would start to hide assets because he'd be worried I'd leave and take "his" money.

I'm so torn. On the one hand I'm internalizing a lot of this with no productive outlet, but on the other hand I've gotten up the courage to have these types of conversations before and that has still led us to this point.

Advice? Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I started this thread ("Can this marriage be saved?"):

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/465130.page

All I can say is that you are not the only one in an "opposites once attracted and now they repel" sort of marriage. I am going to try counseling.

All I can say for childless or single people reading on is that you should be very careful not only who you marry, but also who you reproduce with. You can always divorce a husband, but you can't divorce your children. Once you share children with someone, they are part of your life for good.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me as if you two have just grown apart over the past decade.

You were both two different people back then and with the passage of time, your dynamic together has changed big time.

Before giving up, I suggest you BOTH attend couples counseling services together to see if there is any chance and hope that your marital union can be salvaged.

At least give it a fair shot.

Then see where things go from there.

Good luck to both of you.

[Anonymous]

The mention of hiding assets is troubling. I would talk to a divorce lawyer before trying counseling so you can learn how to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

You said that you have common goals and you appreciated, at least in the beginning,the differences in personalities. Maybe I'm oversimplifying things but I think at the end of the day if you appreciate each other and show it and are kind to each other, you both will be motivated to work out the details. I read somewhere that one of the top five reasons people divorced was that they didn't feel appreciated by their partner and I believe it. Everyone wants to feel valued. You go to work and it is nice when people say thank you and you feel like your efforts are valued. You have friends that you like to think value your friendship. You want to feel appreciated by your spouse/significant other and that reflects in how you interact and what priorities you set together. I think the only relationship that someone doesn't need to show appreciation and the relationship still can grow is that between a parent and child and even then at some point a child grows up and can't take their parents for granted.

I hope you guys can get back to why you decided to get married and change the dynamic of communication. This is where maybe a counselor can help. The arguments about blame have to stop and you have to find your way back to being a team where the differences are used to work together and willingness to try different approaches to reach common goals rather than blaming for failures.

[Anonymous]

I think you can save your marriage. Being different means you both are good at different things. That means you both make up for each other. This should be strength of your marriage. First of all pick and choose your battles. Make some boundary such as: if he takes credit for something then let it go. However, confront him when he unnecessary tries to blame you.

On the flip side think about if he feels valued in this marriage? Ask yourself the same. If both answers are no, then seek professional help. A successful marriage takes a lots of patience. Try to look at things objectively. It will be hard but really try to appreciate the positive things he brings into the relationship, while being firm on your ground that you will not tolerate being blamed. Blaming someone else is habit, which does not change but he can learn to accept his character flaw. There is a saying ( in another language) "husband and wife are like garment for each other (garment hides ones flaws)."

[Anonymous]

Your husband isn't that confident or sure of himself. A person who is a ''control freak'' usually lacks self confidence. They also have a sense that things aren't within their ability to control so they over compensate. They are also very defensive so when you criticize they defend, even when they inwardly know you are right.

If you want this to change YOU have to change the dynamics since he seems unwilling to do so. And because of his reluctance it won't be easy but it is possible.

[Anonymous]

Opposites attract person here too. We thought that we were hot and in love enough to not need to worry about those things that other couples did and that our differences were an asset.

That was fun for the first year or so, and then after inevitably drifting apart we tried and tried to reconnect. He refused counseling until I'd had enough and told him I was leaving. Not that it could have really done that much anyway - we had just finally had enough time to get to know each other and realized that we didn't like each other all that much.

Awful and embarrassing to admit at the time, but for me it was definitely the right move to divorce him. We didn't have kids and I was able to start over and look for the kind of relationship that I actually wanted to have. Even if we'd had kids, I would have still needed to leave but it would admittedly have been a lot harder.