I need some support, please--really struggling with going back to work.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I know I'm one of so so many on this site having a hard time with going back to work and leaving my 4 month old daughter, but I just needed to say it aloud, and ask for some support. My husband is great about my struggle with this, as are friends, but I just felt I needed some kind words from other moms.

HOW do you do this??? I can't stand the thought of being away from her. Even now, the tears are welling up. I'm the primary breadwinner, so I have no choice but to go back to work full time. Plus, I'm a lawyer--heavy layoffs in our industry make me feel like I have to go back at 200% speed to stay off the "radar"--meaning late work nights and weekends--at least that's my fear. I feel so much resentment and sadness about this that I feel like I HATE my coworkers--I bristle at every email asking me for something, and feel like I just want to run from this profession. In reality, though, maybe it's just that I'm so sad about being away from my kid that it's poisoning my attitude about what is ostensibly a good job and a fairly nice place.

Any words of help or support are so appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you. It's really hard being back (I've been back for about a month).

When I'm home, all I want to do is spend time with my baby, and I know I'm neglecting other things. I think about my baby constantly when I'm at work and I'm having a hard time caring about work.

But, like you, I make too much money to not work (at least for now) and I also feel lucky to have a job in this economy as well. It's really hard when they don't stay awake much at night, either.

If I weren't so sleep deprived I would get up early and be ready for work so I could just play in the mornings. I do try to enjoy the morning time -- the baby is so happy at that point in the day I really try to get some quality time. I've also stopped being as annoyed by the 3 a.m. feeding...I figure, it's more baby time!

But as far as how to get your head back in the work game and stop being resentful that you have to work, I don't know. I'm still trying to get there myself. I feel good about my child care situation but I wish I could be the one at home with the baby.

One thing that has helped me is to think of my situation as the situation for NOW. It may be different in a year or two years. Also, if I'm going to have to work and make all this money, I'm going to outsource what I can so that I have quality time with the baby.

Looking forward to hearing others' thoughts on this, too.

[Anonymous]

Did you like your job before you went on maternity leave? If so, you'll probably still like it when you get back. Sure, you'll miss your daughter, but that too will get better and you may even enjoy the time away from her.
Think of all the beneifts working brings -- time to yourself, financial independence, adult conversation.
You'll be fine, I promise.

[Anonymous]

It's a tough transition at first, but once you're back at work and you start to feel comfortable that you've picked a good, nuturing nanny, you will be fine. Being at work has a way of getting your mind off of the separation - especially if you're busy. To maximize time with my DD, I do my best to leave at 6:00 every day, and then work from home after she goes to sleep. So that way I have time with her in the morning and evening every day. If you can, try to hire your nanny a couple of weeks before you go back to work. I think that helps everyone with the transition.

[Anonymous]

I felt like that too, and the change in attitude towards my work was permanent. I was not the primary breadwinner, so had the good fortune to quit before looking for another job, but after a few months I found a very flexible 0.4 FTE job that pays as much as my previous full-time job. Not as intellectually challenging, but a huge lifestyle improvement. So it can be done, if you look around.

[Anonymous]

It's really tough. Hang in there. I would tell yourself you will do it for a few months and see how it goes. Make sure to find the other moms in your firm that first day. They will understand and give you tons of support. There is nothing worse than that first day. Make sure on that first day to stay away from anyone that considers motherhood or maternity leave a vacation - they have clearly not stayed home one day with an infant!

Please realize that there are so many of us crying after drop off every morning even though our kids are 3 and 1. I miss them, but I also know that my children one day will benefit from me working. I, like you, am the breadwinner so it's not an option. I do think in the grand scheme of things that no one has it perfect. It's hard to a SAHM and it's hard to be working mom.

I try to connect with working mom friends for a quick sandwich or weekend playdates. Talking about it will make it so much easier. A small thing that made my first few months easier was our caregiver e-mailed pics of them out walking, etc. and wrote a short e-mail how they were during the day. That kept me connected.

There's no magic formula. It's really hard and know that every mother out there understands.

[MamaLlama]

"HOW do you do this???"

Step by step. Day by day. A lot of tears. A LOT of tears.

You talk to DH about family centered activities for the weekends when you can do them. You outsource everything while wondering what is going to happen when your kids go to college and don't know how to do laundry (and also laugh at their shock that you even know how to use the washing machine when you run an emergency weekend load).

You spend every second with the baby you can, and then cuss yourself in the car the whole way to work with how you told your toddler you could NOT do the 25th hug because you could not miss your conference call.

You get a teary and sobbing phone call from your 3 year old begging you to come home at 6 pm but you can't. The only thing you can think of is you send a fax home with a cartoon picture of yourself thinking of your child and draw lots of hearts and a big "Mommy loves you". You tearfully relate this story to your girlfriends over a glass of wine as a prime example of why you suck as a mom, and they look at you with tears in THEIR eyes and say, actually, they think it was brilliant.

You stop being so hard on yourself, but you still cry every now and then (at least up to six years old and still counting). And you play the powerball. A lot.

That's how I've done it anyway. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain. I've been there -- three years ago, to be exact. I was a lawyer at a big firm and made more than DH, so I really had to go back. I went back full time, crying all the way to the office each day. Had to shut my door for the first two weeks I was back because I was so hysterically crying that I didn't want anyone to see me! As you said, the problem was that "full time" didn't just mean 8-7 five days a week, it also meant late nights and weekends and jumping whenever the partners said jump. It took me about two weeks to realize that I was miserable and being full time at a big firm didn't work for my family. I investigated other more family friendly options, including the government, and ended up going part time at my firm. The part time option worked for me because I made it work -- I had enough capital at the firm that people knew I would send them the brief by 10 pm even if I went home at 5 to do dinner and a bath with DS, and I had the backbone to say no to more work when I really couldn't get it done. If you have to stay full time, there's no reason you need to be at your own desk every day and night. Start working from home a bit more. Know, too, that your daughter won't always go to bed at 6:30 pm and you'll soon get more quality time with her even if you do stay on full time.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I think it's really great you've got this support out here. Really, it's wonderful. But I want to know: if it doesn't feel natural, why go? If your family will suffer financially to an extreme, especially in these times then you need to do what you can for your little girl. But if not and it just does not feel natural... I don't understand, why go? I'm at home with our baby, and we are suffering financially from it but I feel like it's the right this. For US not for any other family, that's not what I'm saying.

So I guess I'm asking "Why go?" not rhetorically, but in a real way, for myself as well... I'm new to DCUM and I'm sure this issue is in the archives many many times over. But, still I'd like to hear what others are saying. And to OP, do what your heart tells you to do within reason and for what is safe for your family, of course.

[Anonymous]

I have a different perspective. I am a lawyer too.

I just couldn't stand going back after my first baby and I didn't. Then I had a second baby. I continued to stay home. I loved being home when they were babies and also couldn't stand the thought of leaving them. BUT I didn't really like the loss of identity and adult-ineraction, salary, etc. And I didn't like being home with them as much as they got older and I realized how much they got out of preschool, etc.

When I realized I needed to go back to work for my own good as well as the children's, it was very hard to find a job (I did eventually). I would suggest thinking long and hard about whether you will still want to be home when the baby is older.

[Anonymous]

Can you find a more family friendly job -- with the govt? pt work? It was really hard at the beginning, but you get into a routine and you make it work. You commiserate with others in your situation. You hear them say "mama" and watch their little eyes light up when they see you -- because even though they get great, compassionate care from a nanny or a daycare, they know who their Mama is.

[Anonymous]

It is incredibly hard, but sadly, you get used to it. I think the key is making sure you are very confident in your childcare situation. Also, I hate to say it, but I just can't imagine giving up a well paying job in this economy in the short-term. I wouldn't do it. I know people who've been out of work for 6-8 months already with NO prospects.

[Anonymous]

I think 14:16 has a good point. I, too, felt as you did, OP. I loved my job before my maternity leave. But, when it was time to go back, I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I went back, and it never got better. After a year and a half of trying, it still felt wrong, and I quit. I am now home full-time, things are very tight financially, but I am so, so happy. Working motherhood was just not for me, as career-oriented as I used to be. But, that may not necessarily be the case for you...my message is, go back and see how it is. Give it some time. Maybe it will get better. Maybe it won't. But take it day by day, and be open to different options if things don't get better. Maybe do what some of the PPs did - do part-time, look for a job elsewhere, or, if you could possibly live on DH's salary, stay home. My point is don't go back thinking that you won't be able to change things if you need to (and can financially). Go back and see, and do what you need, and can, do to find a happy situation for you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

But PP, do you regret the time you did stay at home with your kids, despite the difficulty in re-entering the workforce?

I am yet another lawyer and am deciding/stressing about whether to keep up this job or not. I share breadwinning status (breadsharing?) with my husband so it is not critical from a financial standpoint that I stay at the job. I do worry a LOT about loss of identity, loss of adult interaction, loss of legal knowledge, and of course, the grim reality that I may not find a job again when I am ready to return.

But if this baby is the only baby I have, and the stars are as aligned as they're going to get, shouldn't I just take a leap of faith and stay home?

I don't have the answer and I don't know if I will ever feel I made the right decision.

[Anonymous]

It was so hard at the beginning and I still would rather be home. There are still mornings when I cry and I hate Sundays evenings -- with the specter of another whole week away from her looming over me. What has helped is seeing how well my daughter is doing, even though I am not there. She is a happy, healthy child. Every morning she is so excited to see her nanny and although I admit to a little jealousy over that, I feel good knowing that she is happy during the day. The best part of the day is coming home to that big, bright smile.

The way I look at it is that she is doing well and that's what is important. I'm not so sure that I am doing all that great right now, but going back to work is a major adjustment on top of the incredible, enormous life-altering experience of becoming a parent. It takes time to get used to the new normal. I'll be ok, and I suspect you will too