He hates me

[Anonymous]

No, really, he told me so last night, all because I couldn't get our toddler to bed. He told me I was useless and stupid, asked what had I done all day (worked all day and cooked him dinner, for two), then said he hated me.

I don't know what to do. Our child loves him more and spent all night screaming for his father. It's not like I can leave and take our child. I can't afford the life my child deserves on just my salary. I never would have had a child on my just my salary. DC wouldn't want to live with just me anyway, because I am a bad mother, but working on it so hard. Loves dad a lot more. Maybe that's a phase, maybe not, but I'd lose if I left DH. I feel so stuck.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP.

Have you asked him whether he wants to try counseling? Have you asked him where he wants to go from here? Have you asked him to leave?

[Anonymous]

You need to make a plan to get out.

[Anonymous]

We tried counseling a while back, and he used whatever the counselor said to blame me for the situation. Like if the counselor said I needed time away from the baby, he would nod and agree, then tell me in private how selfish I was. It made things worse.

I did ask him to leave. He refused and told me I had to leave, that he and our child were staying in the house. No matter that he has no idea how hard it is to take care of a child on your own. His schedule doesn't even work with our childcare!

[Anonymous]

You have posted here before and were told to leave your husband. That advice will not change.

[Anonymous]

So what if he calls you selfish. Take a Saturday or Sunday off and leave the kid with his father.
Try to enlist the help of your mother or MIL.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP. I've been there and it hurts so badly. We stayed together (for religious and financial reasons, and for the kids' well-being) and DH has been working hard to show me more respect. Still, I'm not sure I'll ever truly get over some of the things he's said to me. Makes sex difficult, among other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what if he calls you selfish. Take a Saturday or Sunday off and leave the kid with his father.
Try to enlist the help of your mother or MIL.

I am, I guess. He told me he doesn't understand why I'd want any alone time, but really, I'm drowning. And I know our moms didn't have the luxury of alone time, and they managed, so why can't I? He's right, I am selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what if he calls you selfish. Take a Saturday or Sunday off and leave the kid with his father.
Try to enlist the help of your mother or MIL.

I am, I guess. He told me he doesn't understand why I'd want any alone time, but really, I'm drowning. And I know our moms didn't have the luxury of alone time, and they managed, so why can't I? He's right, I am selfish.

Yes, you are. Now that you know this, behave accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry, OP. I've been there and it hurts so badly. We stayed together (for religious and financial reasons, and for the kids' well-being) and DH has been working hard to show me more respect. Still, I'm not sure I'll ever truly get over some of the things he's said to me. Makes sex difficult, among other things.

This is exactly where we are, except he's not trying to show me respect. I was really upset last night about something that happened at work, and said I just needed to talk to him for five minutes. His response? "STFU, I'm trying to put the baby to bed because you're too stupid to do it." I shouldn't have interrupted him - I did wake the baby up - but his response was so over the top. And why should a mom put a baby to bed when they're calling for daddy?

[Anonymous]

No, really, he told me so last night, all because I couldn't get our toddler to bed. He told me I was useless and stupid, asked what had I done all day (worked all day and cooked him dinner, for two), then said he hated me.

I don't know what to do. Our child loves him more and spent all night screaming for his father. It's not like I can leave and take our child. I can't afford the life my child deserves on just my salary. I never would have had a child on my just my salary. DC wouldn't want to live with just me anyway, because I am a bad mother, but working on it so hard. Loves dad a lot more. Maybe that's a phase, maybe not, but I'd lose if I left DH. I feel so stuck.

Oh my God. You need to take a deep breath. First, your toddler isn't even going to remember this and doesn't want you any less than the father. It's just that you are more accessible. Kids want what they can't have and obviously it's the dad who is a lazy SOB. That said, you need to get your head straight.

If it's a money issue, you need to make a plan to be a single parent, living alone on your income. Do you need to make more? Do you need to look for more affordable areas to live (I tell people all the time to just move to Woodbridge. It's easier than staying in a shitty marriage so you can live in Arlington -- for example). What kids need is a safe, stable home. What they need is safe daycare.

OP you need to make a plan, be a grown up, stop letting that jerk victimize you and leave with your kid. Be open to co-parenting and all that jazz. Don't do the sole custody thing -- it won't work and will only make the jerk dig his heels in more for custody rights he isn't going to use anyway.

Meet a lawyer to talk through the initial steps and learn more. And for the love of God, don't assume stupid things like you'd lose custody because your toddler prefers your husband over you. That's is nonsense and victim behavior talking. Stop it.

Take a cold shower tonight. And step up. It's your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP you need to make a plan, be a grown up, stop letting that jerk victimize you and leave with your kid. Be open to co-parenting and all that jazz. Don't do the sole custody thing -- it won't work and will only make the jerk dig his heels in more for custody rights he isn't going to use anyway.
.

He told me if I leave him, he's filing for sole custody, claiming I'm an unfit mother and a danger to our child. I believe him, and I think he'd win it. I can't afford child support.

[Anonymous]

I believe him, and I think he'd win it

OP, you have indicated that you believe that you are a bad mother. Its clear that your husband is saying this to you, but aside from that, what evidence do you have to support this idea? It is VERY hard to prove that a parent is unfit--

do you hit the child?
do you ignore the child when child is hungry/wet?
can you describe incidents that you feel demonstrate you are an unfit mother? do you have drug or alcohol issues? criminal record?

Because if not, I think you've somehow come to believe your husband's hateful words

I would see a lawyer asap. Women's center, whatever. you need to get out.

[Anonymous]

OP talk to a lawyer. NOW. You are basing your reality on what a jackass tells you. You have no reason to believe he would get full custody other than what he has told you. Unless he is a family attorney who handles divorce and custody cases every day, he has no idea what he's talking about. Get real facts from someone who does this for a living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP you need to make a plan, be a grown up, stop letting that jerk victimize you and leave with your kid. Be open to co-parenting and all that jazz. Don't do the sole custody thing -- it won't work and will only make the jerk dig his heels in more for custody rights he isn't going to use anyway.
.

He told me if I leave him, he's filing for sole custody, claiming I'm an unfit mother and a danger to our child. I believe him, and I think he'd win it. I can't afford child support.

Does anyone have info on DC area resources for women trying to leave abusive marriages? I don't have that info, but if he's saying he hates you and you're an unfit mother and you believe him-you need some serious emotional support. It is wrong for him to say those things to you.