Disinterested MIL

[Anonymous]

Vent- MIL and step FIL live 4 hours away. Between the 2 of them there are 10 kids and 4 grandkids. As such- we don't see either very often. Anyway- on Facebook today I saw them post pictures from a family birthday party. MILs sisters live 2 hours away. Aunts, cousins, etc all there. But we weren't invited. It's not that shocking but once again I am just frustrated that they would not ask us to come or act like they would want to spend time with us. We would have gladly gone if possible- but they don't even give us a chance. Kids and us want to spend time with them. I have asked repeatedly. But it just does not seem like they care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vent- MIL and step FIL live 4 hours away. Between the 2 of them there are 10 kids and 4 grandkids. As such- we don't see either very often. Anyway- on Facebook today I saw them post pictures from a family birthday party. MILs sisters live 2 hours away. Aunts, cousins, etc all there. But we weren't invited. It's not that shocking but once again I am just frustrated that they would not ask us to come or act like they would want to spend time with us. We would have gladly gone if possible- but they don't even give us a chance. Kids and us want to spend time with them. I have asked repeatedly. But it just does not seem like they care.

I posted something similar about my inlaws (who are 10 minutes away) you can't change them. It sucks, but you just can't.

[Anonymous]

Was it your MIL who had the birthday? In that case I understand.

If it was another member of her family, I would not expect to be invited unless I knew that family member especially well.

[Anonymous]

Hide her status on Facebook so these things don't show up in your feed. It'll prevent the painful feelings you get from seeing relatives all gathering without you. I speak from experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Was it your MIL who had the birthday? In that case I understand.

If it was another member of her family, I would not expect to be invited unless I knew that family member especially well.

This. Also, if there are 10 kids in the family, you'll probably need to do more to keep on top of that puppy pile.

Also, my brother lives 4 hours away too. We make plans in advance to get the kids together, e.g., Easter, 4th of July. Start becoming a planner. Give your MIL a few months notice and let her know, "DH, the kids, and I would love to see you X, Y, Z weekend."

[Anonymous]

OP-MIL and FIL birthdays. It was a joint celebration of ll family with April bday. If no one from mu Husbands generation had been there it would not have been a big deal. But his cousins and their kids were there. Just felt very odd we did not get an invite. Like either purposeful or a completed oversight. Not sure which is worse. Either they did not want us or they literally did not even think about us.

I do try to plan- and it helps. I just struggle because my family is constantly asking for more visits. I always feel wanted and loved. With MIL it justs feels like she has to make time in her busy schedule for us so she can only manage 1-2 visits a year. No phone calls to the kids. No cards in the mail. No small gifts or ways to show us they are thinking about us. Literally nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-MIL and FIL birthdays. It was a joint celebration of ll family with April bday. If no one from mu Husbands generation had been there it would not have been a big deal. But his cousins and their kids were there. Just felt very odd we did not get an invite. Like either purposeful or a completed oversight. Not sure which is worse. Either they did not want us or they literally did not even think about us.

I do try to plan- and it helps. I just struggle because my family is constantly asking for more visits. I always feel wanted and loved. With MIL it justs feels like she has to make time in her busy schedule for us so she can only manage 1-2 visits a year. No phone calls to the kids. No cards in the mail. No small gifts or ways to show us they are thinking about us. Literally nothing.

You are very lucky to have a side of the family that supports you and loves you. Focus on them! Build up these relationships and accept that the other side is not the same.

Sorry - it sucks. BTDT

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is probably self involved (only her daughters "count") and MIL involves the sons without wives and children *before* the sons with wives and children *just to make a point*. It is immature, insecure, obvious, gauche and annoying, OP.

My MIL is the same mold. Everyone knows it. When she invites peripheral family or peripheral friends into the mix, they can't believe their eyes, and they eventually ask us what her problem is; and seem to think it is flat out blatant jealousy. Upon reflection, after several years and several slights, I finally admitted they might be right.

MIL resents everything about us. We can be as kind as can be, but it only makes it worse. MIL is a bully; a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Thankfully, my family is warm, welcoming, inclusive, and secure in that our family does not imaginarily "threaten" them in some way, such that they would ever take us as a personal affront (!!!).

Find positive people, and spend time with them. Your and my MIL types have an agenda. Don't be on their radar, and they will have to pick another target.

Believe me when I tell you, you are *not* missing anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-MIL and FIL birthdays. It was a joint celebration of ll family with April bday. If no one from mu Husbands generation had been there it would not have been a big deal. But his cousins and their kids were there. Just felt very odd we did not get an invite. Like either purposeful or a completed oversight. Not sure which is worse. Either they did not want us or they literally did not even think about us.

I do try to plan- and it helps. I just struggle because my family is constantly asking for more visits. I always feel wanted and loved. With MIL it justs feels like she has to make time in her busy schedule for us so she can only manage 1-2 visits a year. No phone calls to the kids. No cards in the mail. No small gifts or ways to show us they areinking about us. Literally nothing.

OP, are YOU the one who is always trying to get MIL/FIL's attention? Is your husband -- their son -- doing anything to try to get their attention or is it all or mostly your effort?

If he's the one who is driving the contacts, that's good because he, not you, has to be the one who wants it most. But if you are the one driving it, your desire for the MIL to be more attentive may mostly reflect what you expect from parents/grandparents -- your own family stays in close contact so that's what families do, right? Not all do. Try not to think in terms of how you wish his family were like your family in that regard -- because that may be what's behind your desire for more of MIL's attention. MIL has TEN adult kids; the idea that she can see your husband and your family once or twice a year sounds pretty good to me, especially if she sees most of his siblings once or twice each year too. If she does, then that's ten to twenty visits she's making a year and that's a lot.

And the party? You do not mention that any of your husband's siblings were there and say that the only people from your husband's generation who were there were his cousins. So none of his siblings was there. It wasn't like several of his siblings were invited and he wasn't, is that correct? Maybe this party was about MIL's own siblings and their adult children, the cousins.. Maybe her own siblings planned the party and it was for them, her and their kids (and that's their call). It was for April birthday folks from "their side of the family" and if none of husband's siblings was invited -- why does it bother you?

I really would start to let this go and not focus on the lack of small gifts or cards -- some people (of all ages) are into popping stuff into the mail and some never, ever are. Again, is this something you expect because your own family does it? It's great if they do (mine does) but not an indication of "disinterest" if they do not (my husband's family doesn't and they are certainly not "disinterested" in us or our kid). Some go on Facebook about everything and some don't. Your MIL posted about a party she and her siblings had. That's all.

Enjoy your own family's attentions but don't hold her and FIL to that same standard; and please don't assume that lack of cards or calls or gifts doesn't mean she doesn't care. Some older generation parents smother their adult kids and grandkids, and some others don't do a lot of contact since they feel that their adult kids don't want or need them to "interfere." Clearly you don't see it that way, but can you accept that if she's of an older generation she might just think, "My kids are raised and doing fine; I'm sure they'll let me know if they need me and I see them once a year or even more, and I don't want to step on my daughter-in-law's toes or get in my son's way...." That is not a wrong way to think, and it's not wrong or mean not to be into sending mail. She does visit. Stop "asking repeatedly" and if any asking gets done, your husband should be doing it.

Does he get as hurt by the lack of cards and calls as you do, and was he upset by the party details on Facebook, or is this about your own expectations, based on your own family's way of doing things? Again -- it's great that your family is so attentive. But that does not mean his family's different way of doing things means they don't care.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the input. Really, you are spot on. I know my expectations are based on my own family and the way they do things. I know that MIL does love us, in her own way. And DH doesn't seem as bothered by the lack of involvement. I have tried very hard to accept the relationships I have and be thankful for them. It is a hard process though, because it is very different from the relationship I want to have.

I do worry some about explaining this different level of grandparent involvement to my children though... I was an adult before I could appreciate that one set of grandparents just did things different than the other. I had one actively involved set and another that barely spoke to us or acknowledged our presence on our bi-monthly visits. By the time I understood this didn't mean the uninvolved set didn't love or care for me, they were gone. As an adult, I look back and see the ways my grandparents did care for me.. the little things they did like having my favorite juice boxes in the fridge when we came (when they obviously never drank them) or always have a dollar bill on hand for us to find hidden behind a chair. As a kid, all I cared about was that they never came to my ball games or birthday parties, they never called me on the phone, they never invited us for sleepovers, etc. There was an obvious difference, and children do not understand the nuances of different family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

OP, I love your post, and your remembrances of your grandparents. They did care. They made the effort to do special things for you, and just you. That is truly special.

[Anonymous]

ILs are not into you (and/or DH and/or the kids) for some reason. Not saying it's nice or fair, but it is what it is. Ask yourself why are you keen to be included by ppl who don't like you so clearly? is there inheritance on the horizon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
And the party? You do not mention that any of your husband's siblings were there and say that the only people from your husband's generation who were there were his cousins. So none of his siblings was there. It wasn't like several of his siblings were invited and he wasn't, is that correct? Maybe this party was about MIL's own siblings and their adult children, the cousins.. Maybe her own siblings planned the party and it was for them, her and their kids (and that's their call). It was for April birthday folks from "their side of the family" and if none of husband's siblings was invited -- why does it bother you?

Good call, PP. OP, how is your relationship with MIL's sisters? If you're not close to them, it makes sense that you wouldn't be invited, since it appears that THEY were hosting your MIL, not that your MIL was throwing the party.

[Anonymous]

OP

SILs live in Georgia and Missouri. Cousins live in the same town. Makes sense why cousins were there but SILs would not be there. But we are only 2 hours away. We moved closer so we could attend such smaller functions/gatherings. SILs only visit once per year- but they have to pay for plane tickets so its more of a burden for them. We can jump in our car and make it a day trip. Just odd to me that MIL would not want to squeeze in an easy quick visit with us when she does have so many adult children to visit throughout the year.

MIL does obviously like SILs more. Not in a mean way... just in a "they are my daughters" way. She is not mean or overbearing in any way. When we are together we have a great time- or at least I think we do. She just doesn't seem to want to be together very often. I would say that she errs on the side of not being involved because she is afraid of being overinvolved. She does not offer any advice, any opinions, any input. I know I could have it way worse.. but I just had really wanted something more in our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it was a party thrown by another relative.
My DH threw me a surprise birthday a few years ago, he did not invite one of my closest friends. He did not have her contact info and did not want to "invade my privacy" by looking in my phone book. I kid you not. Sounds like an oversight and not intentional, especially if the IL'S were not the hosts. Sounds like you have decent inlaws, if you want more involvement, ask for it and initiate it. It is a big family, and with so many grandkids I would assume that at some point that the onus is on the grown kids to proactively seek out the grandparents. Heck, that is a lot easier for the siblings to ask their parents to reach out to one set of parents as opposed to the GP'S trying to coordinate stuff for 10 grandkids. KWIM?