Recently Married and REGRET it big time

[Anonymous]

My husband and I got married a year ago and boy do I regret it. First of all, he is not abusive, he is honest, has a lot of principle, financially responsible, etc.. However, he is such an unhappy and angry person. He tremendously dislikes his career path, so I told him I'd support his decision to go back to school or explore other career options even if it means a pay cut. He won't do that. He gets very angry and resentful because I help out my two brothers financially every once in awhile. Somehow I was able to overcome a lot of barriers while growing up, got an education, and became successful. My brothers on the other hand have struggled all along, live pay check to pay check. I don't see anything wrong with helping them out-they don't take advantage of the situation, they've always been there for me, AND most importantly they are very attentative and patient with my parents. It doesn't matter what I do for my family, whether it's a small, kind gesture or helping them pay rent, everything I do for them in my husband's eyes is a problem. I'm totally convinced that DH has made an subconscious (or whether term psychologists use) to be UNHAPPY for the rest of his life. I'm emotionally drained and feel really down most of the time. Sometimes I think perhaps we got married too quickly because we were both up there in age and wanted to start a family. We don't have children yet. I'm seriously thinking of walking away from this marriage, I was never an unhappy single person, just got lonely at times. I thought about counseling but can counseling really change someone's underlying nature. what would you do? Be very honest, I can take it.

[Anonymous]

hey, we just saw a comedy by Ben in that subject matter...should take a look at least get a good laugh (very silly).

I would walk if I was in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a sense of how long your husband has been so unhappy? Only recently? Since you've known him? Much of his life? I ask because I wonder if perhaps he suffers from depression. He should get a physical to rule out any physical health problems then be evaluated by psychiatrist. Medication combined with talk therapy can really help. I don't know how willing your husband might be to pursue this, but it would be worth encouraging in this direction. Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

That is so sad to read your post. That sucks to be newlyweds , but unhappy. On the good side, it doesn't really seem you are the problem (ok, that didn't come out the way I wanted), but I guess what I am trying to say that at least you can go to bed at night knowing that it is your DH who is disgruntled, resentful (?? towards you being nice and helping your bros.), unhappy at work, etc.

At least there are no children involved. That would not be a fix especially to what seems a like a complicated problem that is appears to be multi dimensional.

Besides his career and you being kind to your family is there anything else that is making the marriage difficult? Do you still talk? Do you still cuddle? Do you still compliment each other - one time I was so pissed at my DH for something, but someone told me to compliment him instead of giving him the cold shoulder. I thought that that was the stuipedest idea ever, but tried it. I told him he smelled nice (he just shaved) and that actually changed the momentum of out slump.

I guess I don't have any real advice. Just hope it works out for you.

[Anonymous]

Marriage gets so much harder as you go on. I look back on the first year of my marriage as the only "easy" time. If you're unhappy now and don't think there is a way to right your course, I think you should bite the bullet and move on. Precious years of your life will be wasted otherwise, you never know how soon you might meet the person that will make you happy. Sorry, I sound like a greeting card or something, but I really think that you need to do what will ensure your future happiness.

[Anonymous]

My husband helps out his two brothers. He doesn't have the underlying anger or depression issues that you described. When we didn't have a child I really didn't think much of it. I considered it his money and kind of laughed about what losers his brothers were.

Now that we have a child, it's slightly more difficult because when he bails them out, I start to think about what the chunk of money would mean in our daughter's college fund.

I guess my point is, this is not going to get better as your marriage matures and you have kids.

You need to resolve this issue now. I suggest counseling.

[Anonymous]

Let your husband know how you're feeling... if you're really regretting your marriage and thinking of leaving, you've got nothing to lose at this point. Couples counseling is a good idea. The goal is not to change anyone's nature but improve your ability to communicate with and understand each other.

[Anonymous]

OP,

1. Yes what you describe is exactly the sort of thing that counseling can help with. Some people who are choosing to be unhappy can learn to see that they are doing this and can change, but it takes time and effort. I'd say it is worth it to try (for both your sakes).

2. The helping your family thing is probably more complicated than you may realize, and might have become symbolic in your relationship for other things (control, "choosing" brothers over husband, etc). It's worth taking a step back and trying to see it from DH's perspective. Counseling can help with that one too.

It bugs me that so many people are so quick to urge others to walk away from a marriage without trying anything first based on a few anonymous lines on a forum.

[Anonymous]

It bugs me that so many people are so quick to urge others to walk away from a marriage without trying anything first based on a few anonymous lines on a forum.

Ditto.

In my experience, people can definitely change if they can really confront what's troubling them. It's not easy, but it can be done, as long as the person wants to change. Sounds to me like your husband could benefit from solo counseling, but I know it's not easy to get a guy to go into counseling on his own. I'd definitely try some sort of counseling (marriage or otherwise) before you walk away. Good luck to you, OP. I'm sorry you're suffering.

[Anonymous]

The first year of marriage is often the hardest, and I have known many people who would not only agree with this statement, but have said it themselves. I have also known several couples who have gone to marriage counseling their first year.

The first year of marriage was much like you describe. My husband wasn't verbally abusive, but bluntly honest, and and lacking what I would call an edit function, and he didn't understand what a close family was like (often feeling burdened by mine). He was also unhappy in his career, but couldn't leave because of contract reasons. We made it through, it was tough, but we worked on it. There was even one point when he had told me that he wanted a divorce, and I told him no, that it wasn't a decision to be made lightly, and with out therapy. He wouldn't go, but I sure as hell did. My therapist assured me that it was the right decision, and applauded me for fighting for my marriage, and saving it. We now have a much better marriage, and we are closing in our sixth year of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, PP. You sound like a strong woman.

I would add that my first year of marriage was the toughest, up until the time we had our first child. After the baby, we fought more than ever, but it was mostly out of exhaustion. In any marriage (indeed, in any relationship between 2 people) there will be up and down times. As long as you keep communicating and try to make it work, I think things can work out.

[Anonymous]

OP here-thanks for all the feedback. This is very helpful.

[Anonymous]

What did you like about him when you go married?

Personally, I think it will not get easier....but you can learn how to deal with it. Give it a few more months and see how you feel, but don't get pregnant until you are sure you are with this one to stay. I would have rather adopted a child alone than raised one in a bad marraige. Better for the child and the Mother (they have done studies and find no averse affects on the children emotionally, because there wasn't a father who "walked away" and they were very happily wanted when they were adopted....although of course adoption has it's own issues for the child but they'll be adopted and have those issues with someone so it may as well be you ). You don't even have to adopt....although I think being pregnant alone would be awful, I also think that raising a child alone would be extremely difficult....being in a bad marraige adds another level of depth to so many things. You don't need to be married to have a family. I know that's not going to fly with everyone on this board, but I just think that you have to make a choice to be happy, just as you think he makes the choice not to be.


Go to counseling, work it out if you can, but don't beat it into the ground. If you are already "older", you don't have any more time to waste on someone that you're not happy with. Be happy you realized before you had children.


Talk to your husband. Maybe you can figure it out together....maybe he's unhappy with you as well and you need to work it out together. Being close with your family is difficult in a marraige, as both my husband and I are close with our families, but he should respect your being family oriented and you should respect his nervousness about it. You should be able to help your brothers, but he should be able to talk with you about the things that bother him....even if they annoy you. I'm not saying that you should just leave (I agree people on this board are quick with that), but you should not feel stuck either.

[Anonymous]

I am also in the "it doesn't get easier" camp. While I have a great DH who is great with me and my DD, there are still things that bug me about it. And, I'm certain that he feels the same. We make it work 99% of the time. But, I'd be lying if I said that the little quirks and things that were tolerable 9 years ago didn't drive me insane now.

This is just a small part of it. BUt, the fact is, life, kids, work, etc. get in the way and complicate things over the years. It makes things hard.

[Anonymous]

Go now. Because the next thing is that you will start thinking that maybe a baby will make things better, and then you'll be really up the creek.

At the very least, be ready to go, honestly have this conversation with your husband, and see if he will go to counseling.

You have your whole life to be happy, your whole life to be miserable, but it is your choice and your choice alone.