Recently Married and REGRET it big time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I wanted to say, that I don't think gets addressed often enough. Reading some of these posts, and people saying how much harder their marriages are, has really got me thinking.

Marriage is not supposed to be easy. If it is easy, then you are too lax about it, and not putting as much effort into it as you need to. Now, I am not saying that marriage is supposed to be difficult either, it is something that needs constant work. There are always changes, and new dynamics, and if you don't grow with them as a couple, then you are headed down a long hard road. It takes work to keep a marriage going, and it takes work to keep up with all of the changes that happen in your lives, and communication to understand how the changes are effecting both of you. It isn't easy, but it is rewarding when done right.

Having a baby changes the dynamics in ways you often would not see possible. Then as the baby turns into a child, the dynamics change again, add in another child or two, and it is a whole nother ball game. If you, or your husband, are not able to adapt well to change, it is going to be a much tougher transition.

I don't agree with this at all. I'm not saying that a marriage can be roses 100% of the time, but I don't think it should feel like "work." I have no idea who said this, but I remember reading that marriages don't require work, they require attention. Saying that if your marriage feels "easy" you're too lax is ridiculous in my opinion. I think if your marriage feels like "work" most of the time, then something needs to change. My relationship with my husband is - again, usually - easy. We talk easily, we laugh easily, we partner easily with child rearing and house repairs and life decisions. And we've been together for 15 years now. Sure there are times we fight and times he drives me completely insane, but even those don't feel like "work." It's just a part of the bigger picture. And yes, it's important to have some notion that people and relationships grow and evolve and change. And I feel that for us, it's been equal parts attention and luck that we've grown and evolved and changed together. But I think it's a bad excuse to take an unhappy marriage with maybe the wrong person for you and just plug along because you think marriages are supposed to be hard work. They're not.

I never said that a marriage should feel like work. You need to work with all the changes that come into your life, and your spouses life, in order to survive. You should never coast through a marriage, there are always things to tended to, and difficult times that need to be worked through.

Read what I have written again. You will perhaps see the true meaning in what I said. I think you read way too much into it.

I have a good and happy marriage, but it wasn't always that way. I am the poster who said no when her husband asked her for a divorce, and believe me, I know the difference between an unhappy, and a happy marriage. I had to work to save my marriage, I went to therapy, and pulled everything together. I have a much better understanding of my husband, and myself, and what it takes to make a marriage work. We have had more changes, challenges, and difficulties in our first three years of marriage, than many have had in a lifetime. They were very difficult and terbulent years, and they took a toll on us. Thankfully we are past that it.

My parents have been married 42 years, they are probably happiest now than they have been in a long time. They don't have the same outside pressures and stresses that they did when they had a house full of children, or when they were working extremely stressful jobs. They have always had an open line of communication, and while it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, they were able to work through everything.

Your previous post makes a lot more sense to me now after reading this, and I did read your first one carefully! I agree that *saving* a marriage takes work. I have seen this several times and very much admire the people I know who have done this - brought a marriage back from the brink of divorce - because it was neither fun nor easy. I don't know anyone who "coasts" through a long-term relationship of any kind (I'm not entirely sure what that even means). Of course there are times over many years when couples are happier than others. There are times over ones life alone when an individual is happier than others. But I may not have expressed myself well. I think if your marriage feels like hard work more often than not, something is indeed wrong. Obviously every long-term marriage has its ups and downs, but I think there are people who muddle through something that's not right with someone they may not really be at all compatible with because they have the idea that marriage is supposed to be hard work. Kind of like people who chalk up doubts about a marriage to "pre-wedding jitters." I think there are a lot of things we tell ourselves when we don't want to see what's really there. The OP is saying that even as a newlywed, she is unhappy and regretting marrying her husband. I do not think that is something that should be ignored because "marriage is not supposed to be easy."

[Anonymous]

I agree with posters who say marriage only gets harder with time. And most people don't change, esp. once you hit a certain age. Good luck whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

Take a look at this article, about a recent study:

Marriage: It's Only Going to Get Worse Jeanna Bryner
http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080205/sc_livescience/marriageitsonlygoingtogetworse

Introduction: If your spouse already bugs you now, the future is bleak. New research suggests couples view one another as even more irritating and demanding the longer they are together . . . .