Recently Married and REGRET it big time

[Anonymous]

I would first give him a chance to see if he is depressed via a doctors appointment, if so, he can get treatment. If not, I would not walk, I would run, and thank God there are no children involved. This is not a rehersal. live life to its fullness. How sad to be with an angry person day in and day out. I could not handle that. Good luck. I hope he is depressed and can get help, if not I hope you find happiness with someone else.

[Anonymous]

If my husband left me when I was depressed for over a year we wouldn't have the fabulous relationship we have now, nor would we have our children or so many other joys in life. I find that sometimes on this board we are quick to criticize men how leave relationships because a woman is depressed, difficult to live with, etc., but are very quick to encourage women to leave their husbands. I don't think that this is necessarily a bad option in all cases, but I think that the "group think" that happens on a message board is very different from the careful and loving analysis that need to go into any major decisions about a marriage. OP, I trust that you are an intelligent and loving person, and that you had very good reasons for marrying your husband in the first place. While this is a good place to vent, please don't let any of us strangers replace your good judgment about the facts of your marriage, your goals, your values, and your heart.

[Anonymous]

OP -- you could be describing my first marriage (now over).

You need both couples counseling and individual counseling (both you and DH).
You need to find out why you married your husband in the first place if he is such an unhappy soul.
It takes two to tango, and relationship troubles are never just one party's fault (though it may be hard to admit).
If you do leave DH, please still consider individual counseling so that you can learn from this marriage and find a healthy relationship in the future.

[Anonymous]

If you don't leave, at least please, please don't have a child until you're certain certain that things are really different. A PP said s/he thinks people can change; I don't buy it, and for goodness sakes, this is still the first year of your marriage. It's so, so much smaller a deal to calmly end it now than to wait and hope. I'm in year 15 now, and wondering how in the world to dig out of the mean, miserable hole we've dug. We have two wonderful kids, and that makes the calculus infinitely more complicated.

[Anonymous]

If you don't leave, at least please, please don't have a child until you're certain certain that things are really different. A PP said s/he thinks people can change; I don't buy it, and for goodness sakes, this is still the first year of your marriage. It's so, so much smaller a deal to calmly end it now than to wait and hope. I'm in year 15 now, and wondering how in the world to dig out of the mean, miserable hole we've dug. We have two wonderful kids, and that makes the calculus infinitely more complicated.

I'm the PP who said I think people can change, but I also agree with the poster quoted above as it relatess to children. This is probably a moot point since OP and her husband are likely nowhere near considering children, but I think it's important for others who might be reading this thread.

My two cents: don't have children until you're pretty darned sure that you love (and like) both yourself and your partner. Children, even wonderful ones like my own, do make everything more complicated -- in both good and bad ways. Be sure that you have a partner (in every sense of the word) before you engage on the exciting, terrifying journey that is parenthood.

[Anonymous]

9:03 again. I just reread the original post, and I realized that OP and her husband were/are considering children. Then I think my point is not moot at all. Good luck, OP. I know it may not feel like it right now, but you can deal with this situation. Just remember to take care of yourself.

[clarabow]

I'm one of the PPs who says people can change. Here is some further background on my perspective. I am divorced, and remarried. A child with number 2, none with number 1. I stayed with my first husband (same deal, eternally unhappy, which he thought was what it meant to be "grown up" somehow) for years too long and I was utterly cowed by his anger. Looking back I would characterize it as at times emotionally abusive. We eventually underwent counseling together after I did some individual counseling and told him I could not have children with him unless our relationship changed dramatically. It was telling him that that made him agree to the counseling, so that may be something for you to consider seriously. Through therapy, he (after initially being belligerent or just smouldering in the corner through several sessions) he began to really see his role in our failed relationship. I saw my own role too -- I was so focused on his unhappiness and my fear of his anger that I could not stand up for my own needs. We were too far gone to put things back together, but yes both of us changed. You are only a year into marriage and may have a good shot at making things work if you start the process now and don't bury your head in the sand like I did.

Husband number 2 is at times a real crankypants (there are clearly some patterns about what personalities I'm drawn to) but his level of self-awareness is tremendous compared to husband number 1. He also cares about my feelings and can get out of his own issues long enough to hear me when there is a problem. I've learned I can't control my partner's happiness, that sometimes letting him vent is the best thing and to not take it personally, but also to speak up when I need things to be different. I knew I could parent a child with this one.

I could easily post here about husband number 2 on a bad week and have a slew of people tell me to leave the bastard, but I've actually got a very good marriage. And, I know the difference, having been in a bad one. Forums are not the place to make life-altering decisions. All my advice is qualified by the fact that I haven't got any real clue what your relationship looks like day in and day out based on one post. But do know that my hesitation to jump on the "run and run fast" bandwagon is not based on the idea that marriage is sacred and no one should ever get divorced. I wish I'd divorced number 1 much sooner. But it is a BIG DEAL and not to be done lightly or badly. Had I divorced without the counseling I'd probably just be making the same mistakes over again.

Hope this has been helpful. I think one thing everyone seems to agree on -- don't get pregnant until you are in a better place.

[Anonymous]

9:03 again. Beautifully said, Clarabow.

[Anonymous]

Well said Clara.

[Anonymous]

One thing I wanted to say, that I don't think gets addressed often enough. Reading some of these posts, and people saying how much harder their marriages are, has really got me thinking.

Marriage is not supposed to be easy. If it is easy, then you are too lax about it, and not putting as much effort into it as you need to. Now, I am not saying that marriage is supposed to be difficult either, it is something that needs constant work. There are always changes, and new dynamics, and if you don't grow with them as a couple, then you are headed down a long hard road. It takes work to keep a marriage going, and it takes work to keep up with all of the changes that happen in your lives, and communication to understand how the changes are effecting both of you. It isn't easy, but it is rewarding when done right.

Having a baby changes the dynamics in ways you often would not see possible. Then as the baby turns into a child, the dynamics change again, add in another child or two, and it is a whole nother ball game. If you, or your husband, are not able to adapt well to change, it is going to be a much tougher transition.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you really need to explore the anger/unhappiness issue in counseling together. I thought my DH had depression, but it turns out he just has issues with dealing with anger. It is "fixable," but requires time, work and a willingness to explore one's self and change. There's no guarantee, but its worth exploring. Of course, if your DH isn't willing to do even that, then that is a different issue. Either way, you probably should consider counseling for yourself to think things through. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is not supposed to be easy. If it is easy, then you are too lax about it, and not putting as much effort into it as you need to. Now, I am not saying that marriage is supposed to be difficult either, it is something that needs constant work. There are always changes, and new dynamics, and if you don't grow with them as a couple, then you are headed down a long hard road. It takes work to keep a marriage going, and it takes work to keep up with all of the changes that happen in your lives, and communication to understand how the changes are effecting both of you. It isn't easy, but it is rewarding when done right.

9:03 again. The above quote (and the entire post, really) is profound, in my opinion. The quote reminded me of a line from one of my favorite movies, "Jerry Maguire." When Renee Zellweger and Tom Cruise's characters go out on their awkward first date in the Mexican restaurant, he tells her about how he really tried to work out things with his horrible ex (played by Kelly Preston). Zellweger listens to him, and then says something like "Sometimes, you just shouldn't have to work so hard." Sorry if I'm mangling the quote, but I hope people get what I mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I wanted to say, that I don't think gets addressed often enough. Reading some of these posts, and people saying how much harder their marriages are, has really got me thinking.

Marriage is not supposed to be easy. If it is easy, then you are too lax about it, and not putting as much effort into it as you need to. Now, I am not saying that marriage is supposed to be difficult either, it is something that needs constant work. There are always changes, and new dynamics, and if you don't grow with them as a couple, then you are headed down a long hard road. It takes work to keep a marriage going, and it takes work to keep up with all of the changes that happen in your lives, and communication to understand how the changes are effecting both of you. It isn't easy, but it is rewarding when done right.

Having a baby changes the dynamics in ways you often would not see possible. Then as the baby turns into a child, the dynamics change again, add in another child or two, and it is a whole nother ball game. If you, or your husband, are not able to adapt well to change, it is going to be a much tougher transition.

I don't agree with this at all. I'm not saying that a marriage can be roses 100% of the time, but I don't think it should feel like "work." I have no idea who said this, but I remember reading that marriages don't require work, they require attention. Saying that if your marriage feels "easy" you're too lax is ridiculous in my opinion. I think if your marriage feels like "work" most of the time, then something needs to change. My relationship with my husband is - again, usually - easy. We talk easily, we laugh easily, we partner easily with child rearing and house repairs and life decisions. And we've been together for 15 years now. Sure there are times we fight and times he drives me completely insane, but even those don't feel like "work." It's just a part of the bigger picture. And yes, it's important to have some notion that people and relationships grow and evolve and change. And I feel that for us, it's been equal parts attention and luck that we've grown and evolved and changed together. But I think it's a bad excuse to take an unhappy marriage with maybe the wrong person for you and just plug along because you think marriages are supposed to be hard work. They're not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Marriage is not supposed to be easy. If it is easy, then you are too lax about it, and not putting as much effort into it as you need to. Now, I am not saying that marriage is supposed to be difficult either, it is something that needs constant work. There are always changes, and new dynamics, and if you don't grow with them as a couple, then you are headed down a long hard road. It takes work to keep a marriage going, and it takes work to keep up with all of the changes that happen in your lives, and communication to understand how the changes are effecting both of you. It isn't easy, but it is rewarding when done right.

9:03 again. The above quote (and the entire post, really) is profound, in my opinion. The quote reminded me of a line from one of my favorite movies, "Jerry Maguire." When Renee Zellweger and Tom Cruise's characters go out on their awkward first date in the Mexican restaurant, he tells her about how he really tried to work out things with his horrible ex (played by Kelly Preston). Zellweger listens to him, and then says something like "Sometimes, you just shouldn't have to work so hard." Sorry if I'm mangling the quote, but I hope people get what I mean.

I so agree with the lien from the movie. I agree that any marriage demands some attention - like any other worthwhile endeavor, but that effort should not be all consuming, sometime the best decision that one can make is to cut your losses and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing I wanted to say, that I don't think gets addressed often enough. Reading some of these posts, and people saying how much harder their marriages are, has really got me thinking.

Marriage is not supposed to be easy. If it is easy, then you are too lax about it, and not putting as much effort into it as you need to. Now, I am not saying that marriage is supposed to be difficult either, it is something that needs constant work. There are always changes, and new dynamics, and if you don't grow with them as a couple, then you are headed down a long hard road. It takes work to keep a marriage going, and it takes work to keep up with all of the changes that happen in your lives, and communication to understand how the changes are effecting both of you. It isn't easy, but it is rewarding when done right.

Having a baby changes the dynamics in ways you often would not see possible. Then as the baby turns into a child, the dynamics change again, add in another child or two, and it is a whole nother ball game. If you, or your husband, are not able to adapt well to change, it is going to be a much tougher transition.

I don't agree with this at all. I'm not saying that a marriage can be roses 100% of the time, but I don't think it should feel like "work." I have no idea who said this, but I remember reading that marriages don't require work, they require attention. Saying that if your marriage feels "easy" you're too lax is ridiculous in my opinion. I think if your marriage feels like "work" most of the time, then something needs to change. My relationship with my husband is - again, usually - easy. We talk easily, we laugh easily, we partner easily with child rearing and house repairs and life decisions. And we've been together for 15 years now. Sure there are times we fight and times he drives me completely insane, but even those don't feel like "work." It's just a part of the bigger picture. And yes, it's important to have some notion that people and relationships grow and evolve and change. And I feel that for us, it's been equal parts attention and luck that we've grown and evolved and changed together. But I think it's a bad excuse to take an unhappy marriage with maybe the wrong person for you and just plug along because you think marriages are supposed to be hard work. They're not.

I never said that a marriage should feel like work. You need to work with all the changes that come into your life, and your spouses life, in order to survive. You should never coast through a marriage, there are always things to tended to, and difficult times that need to be worked through.

Read what I have written again. You will perhaps see the true meaning in what I said. I think you read way too much into it.

I have a good and happy marriage, but it wasn't always that way. I am the poster who said no when her husband asked her for a divorce, and believe me, I know the difference between an unhappy, and a happy marriage. I had to work to save my marriage, I went to therapy, and pulled everything together. I have a much better understanding of my husband, and myself, and what it takes to make a marriage work. We have had more changes, challenges, and difficulties in our first three years of marriage, than many have had in a lifetime. They were very difficult and terbulent years, and they took a toll on us. Thankfully we are past that it.

My parents have been married 42 years, they are probably happiest now than they have been in a long time. They don't have the same outside pressures and stresses that they did when they had a house full of children, or when they were working extremely stressful jobs. They have always had an open line of communication, and while it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, they were able to work through everything.