Estranged Siblings
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Anonymous
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My mom has lived with us for the past year and a half and has no family/friends here. She had a bout with cancer during this time (among other health issues) and I have taken 100% responsibility. She also has a diminishing memory and I am struggling to find the time to get her the health services she needs. I have young kids + 1 on the way and my husband and I work full-time. Last year, I took 70+ hours of sick leave and I just have no more to give. My brother decided to take the opportunity to work overseas and, although he knows how difficult it is for us with kids (he is single with no kids) and how little space/time/money we have, he has made it clear that he is moving an hour away and just won't step up to take responsibility. FWIW, my mom had us very old and he is almost 30, I am early 30s. My mom has always highly favored him where my relationship with my mom has been strained. I continue to look out for her best interest, despite her being so grateful. Now that I am seeing signs of severe memory loss (my mom is early 70s), I can't just find her an apt and stick her there. She won't even eat unless DH or I make her plate. She won't drive and we have to stop her from wearing see-through pantyhose as leggings out of the house.
Back to my brother. I can see that he won't step up and I want to cut him out of my life. I have been through so much and have sacrificed so much. He has played along like he will step up when he returns, but he won't and has made that clear. My mom and brother have always dumped on me and, although I have an obligation to my mother, I do not have one to my brother. I cannot get past the anger. Has anybody else actively distance themselves from a sibling for this reason or any other? I don't want to regret this, but I have more respect for myself than to be a doormat. |
Anonymous
| You don't choose your family. You are free to cut him off. I have definitely put up strict boundaries for sibling and happier for it. |
Anonymous
We had a very similar situation in my family 2 boys/2 girls. Boys were favored children yet did nothing to help my mom in the warning years. It turned very ugly and my sister cut them out of her life. It has destroyed our family far beyond the relationship between her and my brothers, poisoning her relationship with her son, destroying cousin relationships, aunt/uncle relationships with nieces/nephews, etc. People are not always who we want them to be or need them to be. Research shows it us usually daughters that bear the burden and I am not surprised that your single 30 year old brother didn't stepping up to the plate. Pls think long and hard about your decision. It may be far reaching and wreck relationships that you never intended to wreck. I got caught in the crossfire and it has been devastating. |
Anonymous
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1. Your brother has never had to care or think about anyone else! He really has NO clue what you're sacrificing, and by the time he has a family your mother will have passed away, so don't expect any help. All you might get from him is regret in 20 years. 2. Communicate this directly to him in a clear and calm manner without hyperbole. That you are disappointed with his lack of responsibility, and that you feel put upon because at this time in your life there is so much on your plate. 3. Don't cut him off. Just don't call or see him if you don't want to. 4. Alternatively, you could invite him to stay with you for a few days, and make sure he's involved in the whirlwind. Have him keep an eye on Grandma, on the kids, on the cooking, all at the same time. Perhaps he'll start to have an inkling then. |
Anonymous
| Thanks, PPs. I am so hurt and overwhelmed right now that it's hard to see clearly. Your insight is helpful. |
Anonymous
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PP is right-- there is no need to do something drastic and you may regret it. Instead, communicate with him clearly but calmly. Rather than attacking him (though your feelings are totally justified), simply present the information. The bottom line is that caring for your mother will require both of you to participate. Figure out what you want to ask him to do-- something that will be actually helpful to you and actually doable for him, such as coming to help you for one weekend a month.
It may help you to have a few therapy sessions or role-play with a friend. Maybe when he sees how much work it is, he will begin to understand what his shirking is doing to you. Of course, seeing the reality of the situation may send him running for the hills even faster. |
Anonymous
| We have a similar situation. Husbands brother lived near mil but would not check on her or help. He basically disappeared from all of us. We moved her here in our home for 6 months and the a nursing home where she is happy. Memory issues without an aide are very difficult to manage at home. |
Anonymous
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Try not to use your brother as a scapegoat for your real feelings about your previous strained relationship with your mom. You are taking care of your mom because you choose to. Your mom sounds grateful for your help. At least your brother has been honest with you in stating that he won't help you carry the load. Lots of siblings promise to help out an elderly parent but become invisible when their help is needed. You say that your brother and mom had a close relationship; your brother may be trying to avoid facing your mom's deteriorating condition. Maybe you can salvage a relationship with your brother that doesn't require hands on help but receive some assistance from him with locating services or maybe he could pay for a home health aide for a few days a month to give you a break. Maybe if you approach him for support from a distance, he might be better able to handle your mom's failing health. |
Anonymous
| You're being a martyr. Look for a nursing home for your mother near you. |
Anonymous
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OP - I would suggest that you and DH get things set up legally so you will be the responsible one for your Mom's health care decisions and in charge of her finances as your brother sounds like one who will show up to do that and end up being quite irresponsible. Depending on your Mom's finances, see what services there might be such as an adult day care center to get her out of your home a couple of days a week so you can regroup, get ready for and enjoy the new baby and other kids. Alternatively, also see if there is in-home care available for her and see with her finances what care would most be helpful to your situation and to her and use her finances to fund it. It sounds like you and DH could use a responsible adult in the home at times so you two could just go out together, too. You also might want to look into memory units in area senior living places so you know ahead of time what might meet her needs best and if she could afford it - if her care becomes too much for you. Focus on your Mom here and now, keep a life balance as you can for your family and ignore brother. But again being sure her legal and financial affairs are in order is key to protect her and her funds for her care. |
Anonymous
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I care for my mom too. Siblings won't help. They are waiting for "their share" of inheritance though.
I have been through the mental and physical exhaustion. But...it's my choice. If you can't deal, find an assisted living facility. No one is obligated to put their lives on hold and do what you are doing. It's nice, but it's not required. Your brothers choice is no less legitimate than yours. |
Anonymous
That's sad that people don't feel an obligation to care for their parents however they can. Treat them as disposable. |
Anonymous
NP. It is sad, some people lack the ability to care for others. That's why I feel so bad for children who have obviously sucky self-serving parents. |
Anonymous
Having children does not obligate them to care for you in your old age,especially if you require significant care. It's a significant strain. |
Anonymous
| OP: There is so much more to this story than you are sharing. I sense that you are not an innocent victim. |