So frustrated with our finances and it is taking a toll on us, what to do?

[Anonymous]

My Dh and I have tried everything with our finances and nothing works. First, we tried separate accounts and divided the expenses. This was a mess because it turned out he didn't pay a lot of the bills, he even had his car repoed. Then, we tried one account that I managed only but he was always upset with me because he didn't feel like he ever had money and could spend. He would just withdrawal lump sums and argue that it was his money too. Now, we have one jt. account and 2 separate accts. but I am starting to see a trend of him using the jt. acct. for unbudgeted personal items.

I am always stressed about our finances and I do not know what to do. I have tried talking to him, scheduling budgeting meetings, emailing him, etc. He is a spender and likes "nice" things. I like nice things too but I budget and spend cautiously depending if we have the available money. I am sooooo frustrated and don't know what to do.

Ughhh- just venting, thanks.

[Anonymous]

What worked for me is that we had one account that I controlled. Spouse had no ATM card or credit cards. I took care of all finances. My wallet is the only ATM (for my kids too!) and I don't keep much cash in it. But, I see that you've tried this. If I were in your shoes, I'd disentangle my finances because you don't want your credit ruined if you can avoid it. This really sucks, OP.

[Anonymous]

My husband spends money irresponsibly as well. He believes that he works hard and therefore he "deserves" this or that. It's not always very expensive things (though sometimes it really is), but the little things (Amazon things on Kindle, this or that on iTunes, a cab ride here or there, etc.) are adding up to ~$250/mo.

We sat down with the budget and I circled numbers. "This is how much money we have coming in, these are expenses that we have to pay, no matter what." I told him that there are things that we can cut from our budget if it's really important to him to be spending $250 on incidentals, but that if he feels like he doesn't want to trim the budget at all and also doesn't want to stop spending, his only option is to make more money.

His response was actually to take on a couple of very part time consulting gigs.

[Anonymous]

You might try separate accounts where you pay the bills and he has to give you a fixed amount per month to cover his share. Whatever he has left is his to spend as he likes. Of course, if he's so irresponsible that he has his car repossessed, this may not work. It presumes that he'd actually give you his share.

[Anonymous]

OP- I'm sorry, that would totally stress me out too. Maybe you should both sign up to take Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University class. It's about a $100 for the two of you and it's a great way to get couples on the same page. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Your problem isn't the finances- it's your DH. He thinks he can spend significantly more than he makes.

His car was repoed??? This is a serious mess.

[Anonymous]

If his car was repoed, that proves he has zero responsibility with money. Close the joint account and pack him a lunch everyday. Switch cars when he's low on gas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your problem isn't the finances- it's your DH. He thinks he can spend significantly more than he makes.

His car was repoed??? This is a serious mess.

+1 Sorry to be so dooms day, but unless he grows up and understands he is part of a marriage and isn't entitled to lots of "stuff" for himself all the time your marriage will end because of this. And mark my words, when your marriage does end from this, it will be after he has accumulated tens of thousands in credit card debt which you will also be responsible for. In fact, I bet he already has credit cards that you are unaware of. You should run a credit report on him just to see what he is obligating you both to without your knowledge. His car was repossessed? Who does that? Tell him to shape up or the marriage will end. I'm serious.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're soon going to have to decide if you want to be his wife or mother. If he can't be a partner and understand the need for both of you to work together to create a sunny financial future, then you have big, big problems ahead.

[Anonymous]

BTDT OP. I can offer you a lot of advice, but it only works if he admits he has a problem. Getting one's car repoed is a serious problem (you have to miss many payments). Did he just not pay the car payment and left the money in the accout? Or did he spend the money in the acc't and then played games with himself about getting the money? Two different problems. One is or organization and one is a little more problematic.

My dh had the latter problem and it is a nightmare to untangle. It needs to be addressed with counseling and with hardcore pragmatic strategies such as he gets an allowance, you have total control of the money, etc. He then earns back responsibility bit by bit. But be forewarned: this is a lifelong problem he will have. And, most especially, he has to acknowledge the problem and the extent to which it will ruin your life and your relationship if he doesn't address the problem.

[Anonymous]

There is only one thing this guy will understand - tough love.

[Anonymous]

What grown ass adult gets the car repoed?

He's a major LOSER. Why do you want to be married to a loser?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband spends money irresponsibly as well. He believes that he works hard and therefore he "deserves" this or that. It's not always very expensive things (though sometimes it really is), but the little things (Amazon things on Kindle, this or that on iTunes, a cab ride here or there, etc.) are adding up to ~$250/mo.

We sat down with the budget and I circled numbers. "This is how much money we have coming in, these are expenses that we have to pay, no matter what." I told him that there are things that we can cut from our budget if it's really important to him to be spending $250 on incidentals, but that if he feels like he doesn't want to trim the budget at all and also doesn't want to stop spending, his only option is to make more money.

His response was actually to take on a couple of very part time consulting gigs.

This. I mean, seriously, what can someone say when you show them the hard numbers. We bring in X and Y expenses (food, mortgage/rent, etc.) are fixed and need to be paid. Z is how much money is left, you can't spend more than Z.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You might try separate accounts where you pay the bills and he has to give you a fixed amount per month to cover his share. Whatever he has left is his to spend as he likes. Of course, if he's so irresponsible that he has his car repossessed, this may not work. It presumes that he'd actually give you his share.

This is what we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What grown ass adult gets the car repoed?

He's a major LOSER. Why do you want to be married to a loser?

+1. Most people like nice things but your DH sounds seriously "off".