So frustrated with our finances and it is taking a toll on us, what to do?

[Anonymous]

Talk with your husband about his goals and tell him that this current habits are causing you so much anxiety. It cannot be you versus him - it should be an us solution. You need to know if he cannot handle that because you may not be able to live that way forever.

[Anonymous]

He should not have access to the joint account. All he gets is a little cash once a month to spend on personal items.

Personally, I would divorce him. He isn't mature enough to be in a relationship. Stop wasting your time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT OP. I can offer you a lot of advice, but it only works if he admits he has a problem. Getting one's car repoed is a serious problem (you have to miss many payments). Did he just not pay the car payment and left the money in the accout? Or did he spend the money in the acc't and then played games with himself about getting the money? Two different problems. One is or organization and one is a little more problematic.

My dh had the latter problem and it is a nightmare to untangle. It needs to be addressed with counseling and with hardcore pragmatic strategies such as he gets an allowance, you have total control of the money, etc. He then earns back responsibility bit by bit. But be forewarned: this is a lifelong problem he will have. And, most especially, he has to acknowledge the problem and the extent to which it will ruin your life and your relationship if he doesn't address the problem.

You are better than me PP because I would never agree to this. I have 3 kids, I'm not going to parent my dh as well. Giving your dh an allowance? No f-ing way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make more money, I felt poor until we made 400k

Thanks Mitt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make more money, I felt poor until we made 400k

wishing you and yours bad karma.

[Anonymous]

Dave Ramseys Financial Peace University can be a game changer for these kinds of issues. I'm not religious and decent with money and we still got a ton out of it in terms of working together on money. Even if you don't agree with all his teachings (no credit cards, etc), if you and your DH go in with open minds and a stated intent to focus on the relationship aspects (saver vs spender, nerd vs free spirit, budget committee, etc) it could really help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem isn't the finances- it's your DH. He thinks he can spend significantly more than he makes.

His car was repoed??? This is a serious mess.

+1 Sorry to be so dooms day, but unless he grows up and understands he is part of a marriage and isn't entitled to lots of "stuff" for himself all the time your marriage will end because of this. And mark my words, when your marriage does end from this, it will be after he has accumulated tens of thousands in credit card debt which you will also be responsible for. In fact, I bet he already has credit cards that you are unaware of. You should run a credit report on him just to see what he is obligating you both to without your knowledge. His car was repossessed? Who does that? Tell him to shape up or the marriage will end. I'm serious.

Yup. MAJOR RED FLAG. My instinct would be to disentangle finances, not combine them. You can't save DH from himself.

The car thing should have been his wake up call. The fact that it wasn't, and that somehow you think it's your job to fix things is a MAJOR RED FLAG.

It's not the finances that's the problem, it's DH's relationship with money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dh and I have tried everything with our finances and nothing works. First, we tried separate accounts and divided the expenses. This was a mess because it turned out he didn't pay a lot of the bills, he even had his car repoed. Then, we tried one account that I managed only but he was always upset with me because he didn't feel like he ever had money and could spend. He would just withdrawal lump sums and argue that it was his money too. Now, we have one jt. account and 2 separate accts. but I am starting to see a trend of him using the jt. acct. for unbudgeted personal items.

I am always stressed about our finances and I do not know what to do. I have tried talking to him, scheduling budgeting meetings, emailing him, etc. He is a spender and likes "nice" things. I like nice things too but I budget and spend cautiously depending if we have the available money. I am sooooo frustrated and don't know what to do.

Ughhh- just venting, thanks.

Do you agree on how much of your net income to save and spend, overall, or not?

[Anonymous]

Two accounts--one in your name and one in his. All bills are paid out of your account. Every week, transfer a set amount from his account to your account to cover a reasonable portion of those bills.

[Anonymous]

You have to manage all the bills, joint finances, etc. Put him on a spending "salary" - cash he gets to keep from his paycheck. ATM only access.

[Anonymous]

Why stay married to someone with all the maturity and financial responsibility of a 12 yr old? 12 yr olds get an allowance, you should not have to give a full grown man with a job an allowance unless you want to turn into his mommy.