relationship advice please: single dad, GF issues

[Anonymous]

backstory: I am in early 30s. had kids young at 21,23, they are now 11 (boy) and 9 (girl) now. I was married, been divorced for 8 years. had joint custody since then

started dating a girl almost two years ago, summer 2013.

fast forward to fall 2014, the kids' mom develops a drug habit (likely heroin), and i end up now with full custody.

the GF is supportive, does not want kids. She had a lot of childhood issues that are still not resolved. She is not bad with the kids, but not good either. little affection, just kinda does her own thing. past few months she has started to have meltdowns after the kids go to sleep. not always related to them (often stuck in her own mind), but sometimes she gets annoyed that the kids will always come first (and she acknowledges that they should, and gets angry at herself that she is not fully OK with them coming first).

We have been talking about her moving in, but I am having seconds thoughts. her being just OK with the kids had been fine in the past when she was "just my GF", but it is starting to bother me. i was never looking for a new mom for the kids, and she never wanted to be one. but now, the kids do need a new mom, and I don't think she is up to the task. Further, given her ambivalence towards them, I am not sure that it is fair to ask her to put her life on hold for 10 years until they graduate high school. as can be expected, they are kinda ambivalent towards her.

I have not brought up my concerns yet. She is sensitive to the fact that she doesn't want kids - she doesn't think she would be a good mom. She is not selfish, but has had a rough life and doesn't want to devote it full force to kids.

we don't have a bad relationship, though it is starting to feel strained. she cooks, we have sex and watch some TV. That's pretty much what is has become. Am I crazy to throw that away?

[Anonymous]

GF needs to go.

[Anonymous]

Do not move your girlfriend in with your children unless she actually wants to be THEIR stepmom - not just your girlfriend, not just your wife, not just a parent at some point, but a parent to these particular children. Especially do not do this at the ages these kids are now.

It's hard, but your children have to come first, and she does not in any way get to be annoyed about that.

- divorced, remarried, ex has had similar problems with girlfriends who are immediately show then door when they "get annoyed that the kid comes first"

[Anonymous]

She's not the right GF anymore. Not fair to either her or the kids. Regardless of whether they "need a new mom" or whether their mom has a drug problem, you have custody of them now and her ambivalence toward them is going to be a gamestopper.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this situation isn't fair to her. If you bring this up with her you'll probably end up with a mutual, amicable parting.

[Anonymous]

I would break up with her. She is not a bad person for not wanting kids; she was completely upfront about it. The current situation isn't really fair to anyone.

I do take offense to one of your statements, though. Your kids DON'T need a new mom. They have a mom. I understand that she is not responsible enough to take care of them right now, but she remains their mom. You are completely capable of loving and raising your kids without a female in your life.

If you meet someone who loves you and your kids, that is awesome. Don't assume that your kids will necessarily love her. Just take it one step at a time, but know that a new mom is not a requirement for raising healthy, loving, successful kids.

As for your girlfriend, she sounds like a good person. I can understand how conflicted she feels. She knows you need to put the kids first, but is still able to voice her resentment. I think that is good. If you break up, don't blame it on her not wanting to be a mom. Tell her that you don't want to put her in a situation that she never wanted (parenthood).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
does not want kids
had a lot of childhood issues that are still not resolved
is not bad with the kids, but not good either
little affection
does her own thing
has started to have meltdowns after the kids go to sleep
gets annoyed that the kids will always come first
just OK with the kids
ambivalence towards them
she doesn't think she would be a good mom
has had a rough life
doesn't want to devote it full force to kids.

Your kids don't necessary need a new mom, but they do need YOU, and they need anyone else in their lives to be there for them 100%. This isn't working for your kids, you, or your girlfriend. Time to let her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Am I crazy to throw that away?

Throw what away? Are you talking about some cooking, sex and watching tv as what you would be throwing away?

[Anonymous]

OP, if you moved her in, things will probably get a lot worse and fast. When people tell you something, believe them. I think at this point you are probably too scared to throw away a two year relationship. It's an investment, I get it. But this is not the right relationship for you or the kids. They need someone who will care about them and this woman clearly does not. You are better off alone until you find someone who values your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you moved her in, things will probably get a lot worse and fast. When people tell you something, believe them. I think at this point you are probably too scared to throw away a two year relationship. It's an investment, I get it. But this is not the right relationship for you or the kids. They need someone who will care about them and this woman clearly does not. You are better off alone until you find someone who values your children.

OP needs to think about and invest in his kids. That should have actually started in the fall, when he got full custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you moved her in, things will probably get a lot worse and fast. When people tell you something, believe them. I think at this point you are probably too scared to throw away a two year relationship. It's an investment, I get it. But this is not the right relationship for you or the kids. They need someone who will care about them and this woman clearly does not. You are better off alone until you find someone who values your children.

This a million times over. Find a good woman--not a girl.

I hope you find a partner who will love you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, op, you are young. In nine years your kids will be out of the house and you will be early forties with no kids at home. Prime situation for dating women in mid to late thirties thru early forties. You will have plenty of options.

For now, focus on the best interests of your kids. Don't settle for someone who isn't good with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever seen How I met your mother? Don't get involved with a GF who doesn't want/like kids if you have/want kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, op, you are young. In nine years your kids will be out of the house and you will be early forties with no kids at home. Prime situation for dating women in mid to late thirties thru early forties. You will have plenty of options.

For now, focus on the best interests of your kids. Don't settle for someone who isn't good with your kids.

I'll take this advice as well, although I have no kids. OP from the 'baggage' thread.

The OP here could read that as well. Once there are unresolved negative childhood issues that are now playing out negatively in adulthood, they will NOT change for you just because you are in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you moved her in, things will probably get a lot worse and fast. When people tell you something, believe them. I think at this point you are probably too scared to throw away a two year relationship. It's an investment, I get it. But this is not the right relationship for you or the kids. They need someone who will care about them and this woman clearly does not. You are better off alone until you find someone who values your children.

This a million times over. Find a good woman--not a girl.

I hope you find a partner who will love you and your kids.

OP's girlfriend sounds like a perfectly good woman- one good enough to know her preferences and limitations. She doesn't need to be denigrated because she's not up for this major change in the relationship dynamic.