relationship advice please: single dad, GF issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the input, everyone. She has been trying and has spent 3-4 nights a week here. She does do some things with them, and i know that she tries. It just doesn't seem like she has come far enough in 2 years with the kids. Hard to blame her though.
If not by now, I don't think it will ever.

Hi OP. I'm 20:04, 20:28, and 20:44. I agree with you, and I think your life choices are just incompatible. You sound like a good dad, and it sounds like she recognizes that and knows you need someone who will love your kids like you do. Best to you both.

[Anonymous]

You probably won't find a woman who will,love your kids like you do, especially if she already has kids or wants kids of her own. It may be an even worse situation than with a woman who doesn't want kids of her own. Not only that, but are you trying to dump mommy responsibilities on her while she is there? That is not fair to her, and then to judge her by some standard where she is supposed to be all in.

I had a neighbor agree to me staying at their house temporary for $500 a month rent for just a bedroom. The neighbors daughter had her second baby, and suddenly I was supposed to love the two kids as if they were my own grandkids. Grandma would dash out the door leaving me to watch the kids. It got to the point where I would have to leave the house first early in the morning to avoid being stuck as a babysitter.

The truth is, your GF has no legal commitment from you, and you are asking her to invest her time and energy in your kids. If you dump her, as you are planning on now doing, she lost a lot of her time. Try looking at 10 years of her being nanny and baby sitter, and then the "real mom" comes back. What is in it for your girlfriend? Nothing.

[Anonymous]

I got involved with a man who had a 7 year old and a 10 year old child when I was 29 and he was 40. I was on the fringes of the kids life for a year until we realized that our relationship was going to work. I worked hard to establish a relationship with his children and did.

That was 15 years ago and I love my stepchildren with all my heart and soul. Being a stepmother has been wonderful for me and I can't imagine my life without them.

A man's children come first. You can find another girlfriend who will cherish your children.

[Anonymous]

It's not about "what's in it for her". The right person for OP at this stage of his life would take him and his kids as a package deal and embrace marrying a family, not just a DH.

[Anonymous]

OP, your children are the top priority. They had to endure a divorce and now they have to endure the unbelievable hell of having a heroin addicted mother. Do NOT put the through the daily feeling of being rejected and resented. Please. Your GF is a good person but she is not good for those kids and those kids need every bit of you right now.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't be dating someone that doesn't want kids because you have them.
So no you shouldn't be moving in with her, you shouldn't be dating her. 2 years was 2 long. The minute you discovered she didn't want kids was too long.
Nothing wrong with a woman not wanting kids or being a kid person, but you have them so you can't be with one who feels this way.

Right now your kids need your full attention your love life can wait.
The right one when the time comes for you to be dating will love your kids as well.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't sound like the right woman for you and your situation, OP. I know tons of single women who would be happy being a stepmom to their boyfriend's kids. hell, I'd be excited if I found a single dad - I always wanted more than one kid, and my daughter would love siblings however she got them.

I think she deserves a guy who can put her first, you deserve a woman who is willing to parent your kids and your kids deserve a willing stepmom.

[Anonymous]

No, OP, she's not the right woman for you given your current situation. I think the best GF for you is someone who has kids of her own and knows what it's like to be a single parent. A childless GF won't have a clue.

[Anonymous]

No you are not crazy if you let this relationship go OP.

You are a Father, a parent to TWO young children who are going through a tough transition right now. They need you now more than ever + they must be your primary focus right now.

It would be too unhealthy for them to reside w/another Female who cannot give them the attention & care that they deserve at this tender age/time. They are probably already traumatized by their mother's actions, to feel not worthy in the eyes of another woman would be too destructive to their self-esteem now.

I say either keep dating your girlfriend, but not move her in or if you are truly looking for a positive "Mother"-type figure for your kids, it is time to give her her walking papers and look for someone new.

There are plenty of women out there who love kids and could love yours too.

Best of luck to you and the kids.