Anyone ever totally lose their temper with their kid?
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Anonymous
Everyone on this board seems so patient toward their SN kids so I feel like a total jerk for admitting to this. We caught our 11 yo in another incident involving lying and manipulation yesterday. He does lie and manipulate from time to time. He has ADHD. He's on medication and it helps with focusing but not with the problem of lying and manipulating. He has stole from us before, credit cards, phones, itune cards, etc…I lost my temper with him a couple of times, such as when he charged $800 worth of games on our credit card without our knowledge or consent, I yelled, "How can anyone be so stupid as to do something like that??" I just lost it. i felt ashamed. I had never uttered such words to anyone in my life. I'm a person who doesn't use profanity and has never used profanity. I know this isn't profanity, but just to let you know I am pretty conservative in my use of language. I was just so angry with him. As far as we know he has stopped lying and stealing for the past year. I spent the better part of this year trying to see him in a new light, to be more empathic with his challenges, and to learn to love him by seeing him as someone who is struggling. He became a little more compliant. Just two days ago he finally told me, "I love you" and I said the same to him. Do you know how long it's been since I heard him say that to me? I cried. Then last night we caught him lying and manipulating again. I felt devastated, crushed, totally betrayed again. Again I yelled, "How can you be so idiotic to do something like that -- TWICE?" It concerned violating a school policy. He violated school policy on Monday, then did it again on Tuesday.  But I am more upset with my reaction to him. How can I be patient to someone who is lying and manipulating us? How do I not yell at and should insults at someone who behaves this way? I'm watching myself transform into an angry person who is losing control and I never used to be this way. I need help and advice.
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Anonymous
| No, but my child is much younger and not having those behaviors. In your situation, its ok. He needs to understand the impact of how you feel about the situation and having a nice tone/empathy isn't working so it sounds like things need to get more serious and less patience. Best wishes. |
Anonymous
| Yes, we are not perfect and trying to be makes the tension higher- let it go. It is a cruel world that allows peri-menopause and SN teenagers in the same years. Apologies are good. Relaxation tapes help me. Take time for yourself too. It is okay to give yourself a time out. Exercise helps me too. Good luck, you are not alone. |
Anonymous
i'm sorry you are having a tough time. I'm sorry; I can't really help, but the bolded jumped out at me. It sounds like you are taking his behavior very personally. I'm not sure how much he can 'help it' but I'm almost positive that he's not behaving this way in an effort to hurt you. I know it's easier said than done, but violating a school policy, is not doing something TO you. Try not to take it so personally. |
Anonymous
| Hugs, OP. Like your DS, you are a work in progress and are not perfect. I, too, have lost my temper with my DS and felt like I was becoming someone who I didn't recognize. The guilt and shame of that can wear you down. Although I'm still no where near where I want to be, I really believe that the CHADD parenting course have helped by providing strategies for dealing with DS and the behaviors that seem to be magnified with ADHD. I have also tried to use my angry (and downright "ugly") episodes as teachable moments (obviously when the situation has been diffused) to talk with DS to apologize, discuss what happened, what triggered my reaction, and what we can do together to move on and hopefully not repeat the behaviors. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
He lied about violating the school policy, later apologized to me, then one hour later tried to manipulate me about a different issue. |
Anonymous
You should know NT kids try to manipulate their parents too. Isn't that what all 11 year olds try to do? |
Anonymous
| I have a 10-year old with ADHD. At home he talks and sings almost constantly. He is very loud. Sometimes he teases his siblings. I have lost my temper when driving when he is singing loudly or arguing with me or a sibling and the traffic or driving is hard. I feel bs, but I am generally very patient. Everyone makes mistakes. I have never hit him. I don't cuss him out. I rarely yell. I look on the bright side. Because he sometimes lies, we are often more likely to trust his siblings. We explain that to him. "Sorry Danny, I believe Kai in this situation because you lied yesterday about hiding the iPad ib your room." |
Anonymous
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Just two quick thoughts:
1) It's hard, but try to forgive yourself for your past bursts of temper. You can't change the past, you're human, you have emotions too, all you can do is try to handle the future as best you can. 2) Try also to remember that your child is constantly in the process of becoming. We don't get angry (or shouldn't anyway) with babies who cry over every little thing, because we recognize that their minds are still forming and they have many expressive and coping skills to learn. Much of the job of parenting is not to judge kids for where they are but teach them about where they need to go. Your child clearly has a lot to learn about how to pursue his desires in honest ways, but that does not mean he is bad -- it means he has a ways to go. It's your job to help him to understand where he needs to go and to help him get there. As parents we all struggle with this, but when we are at our most composed we recognize that when children err it doesn't warrant anger so much as just understanding where they are, and what has to be worked on. |
Anonymous
| If your child has been on a good track for a year, then blew it for this week, I think you are really doing pretty well, OP. It sounds like an off week -- right? Don't catastrophize. Don't starting thinking the "old" him is back. It's just a bad week. |
Anonymous
| I once screamed at my daughter so loudly that I lost my voice for two days. I had her up against a brick wall screaming at her in a public parking garage. |
Anonymous
| Oh dear, been there done that. He will be fine, OP, in fact, might even be good for him. There is a difference between discipline (which can involve a slap or spank) and abuse. Every kid I know who is disciplined is fine and healthy family relationships. Once, my son said something very rude to me. Yes, I slapped him. No, I didn't feel guilty. Yes, he has never been disrespectful again. No, he was not abused. |
Anonymous
| i never felt I had a beast in me until I had a SN kid. Before we moved to MD, my husband and I used to go a family / marriage therapist twice a month. It helped our family tremendously and we're always looking forward to our sessions. If anyone has a recommendation on a good family therapist who works with family with SN kids, pls chime in. |
Anonymous
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"Oh dear, been there done that."
+ million. Isn't the question "Who has never lost their temper?" |