Any married AA moms keep maiden name?

[Anonymous]

Wondering how many married AA mothers keep their maiden names. I never considered taking DH's name but have thought about it a couple times since we've had DD. Honestly my concern is that people might automatically assume DD is "another black child born out of wedlock" or from a broken home if we have different last names. I know it's probably silly, but is this something you assume when you see an AA mother/child with last names don't match?

[Anonymous]

I am not AA so I never thought of the reason you gave for not changing your name. (I did not change my name). But an AA colleague of mine said the same thing-- she wanted the same name as her child, which would likely be her husband's name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wondering how many married AA mothers keep their maiden names. I never considered taking DH's name but have thought about it a couple times since we've had DD. Honestly my concern is that people might automatically assume DD is "another black child born out of wedlock" or from a broken home if we have different last names. I know it's probably silly, but is this something you assume when you see an AA mother/child with last names don't match?

The assumption if you have the same last name is that you aren't married (and DD has your name). Sad but true.

We hyphenated DD's last name.

[Anonymous]

A colleague is in this position - didn't change it, just had a baby - and said she is now considering changing it (precisely for the reason you describe, sadly).

[Anonymous]

I am an AA woman. Who cares whether people think your child was born out of wedlock? Why are people even thinking about this?

I did not change my name when we first got married, but changed it later. I like having our names the same because we adopted our kids, so it's a point of commonality. Otherwise, would. not. care. Do what feels right for you. People who are going to make assumptions about who you are will just find some other basis for their assumptions.

[Anonymous]

My mom was remarried so we had different last names. It was just a hassle. She divorced and returned to her first husband's name (my father) so we would match again.

I don't think "a kid born out of wedlock" when I see different last names. But, I do think of a child of divorce.

I took DHs name because I viewed our marriage as uniting us and making a new family. It doesn't really matter to me what the last name is, I just like that we are united under a common name.

[Anonymous]

I think your reasoning for considering changing is a good one and I would do it. I took my DH's name so we would all have the same name. There is some status and assumptions conferred with all having the same last name. Fair? Probably not. But it is reality.

[Anonymous]

Considering the high rate of AA children born to single mothers (what is it 70% or more?), I think this is an issue unique to married, professional AA mothers who want to keep their names and is worth more discussion

[Anonymous]

We hyphenated DD's last name.

I think most people in the DC area, at least in professional circles, don't assume a woman changes her last name when she gets married. If you are outside DC, people might be more likely to make assumptions. And sadly, it may be true that they are more likely to make them about AA women. But you should do what is best for you and your kid - don't change your name because other people are racist.

[Anonymous]

Wasn't going to change my name, but DH did not like hyphenated names. He did ask me if I would change it just before our wedding, though in my mid/late 30's I'd just always assumed I would not. I did before DC was born and I am glad now that we all have the same name. It's nice to be able to say this is not something 'Smiths' do. Or the 'Smiths' love blah-blah. Feeels like we are a unit.

I had never thought of the whole wedlock thing, but I do believe that's totally accurate. There is an assessment of what kind of AA you are by those in social realms or in the work place, it happens day in and day out.

[Anonymous]

There are so many combinations of family now. I wouldn't assume anything. BTW, I was widowed young with children and remarried and had children. I kept my maiden name for licensing and brand reasons, so there were multiple last names in our household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wasn't going to change my name, but DH did not like hyphenated names. He did ask me if I would change it just before our wedding, though in my mid/late 30's I'd just always assumed I would not. I did before DC was born and I am glad now that we all have the same name. It's nice to be able to say this is not something 'Smiths' do. Or the 'Smiths' love blah-blah. Feeels like we are a unit.

I had never thought of the whole wedlock thing, but I do believe that's totally accurate. There is an assessment of what kind of AA you are by those in social realms or in the work place, it happens day in and day out.

This is so true, sadly

[Anonymous]

interesting. i am a biracial married woman, no kids. when i come across women who kept their birth name, i assume they are professional and accomplished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:interesting. i am a biracial married woman, no kids. when i come across women who kept their birth name, i assume they are professional and accomplished.

To include AA women who keep their name?

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP why would you care what a bunch of strangers think? Please do not allow the racists in this world to dictate how you live your life and the choices that you make. I did not take my husbands name and I dont care what anyone thinks and the fact is that most people know that we are married - I wear a ring, I talk about my husband and most important, he is pretty visible in our day to day life. I would be less worried about your name and focus more on making sure that you have a partner who is going to be an active participant in your children's life. This at the end of the day is what will make a difference in their life not whether random people think that they are "another black child born out of wedlock".