Child embarrassed by apartment; won't do playdates at home

[Anonymous]

We moved to DC last fall from a pretty dense urban area where most of our friends lived in apartments, as we did there.

Now we're in a new apartment in downtown DC. Most of the kids in her class (she's in third grade) apparently live in houses. Apartment living never bothered her in the past, but she's suddenly become very embarrassed by it, to the point where she doesn't want to ask friends over. (Which puts us in an odd position, not being able to host others' kids after they have hosted ours.)

As far as I can tell, none of her friends or adults have teased her about living in an apartment. She's just noticed it, in this new context, and says she "feels poor now." (We're not: just middle-class people in an expensive city. We have no plans to buy a house here - can't afford one, and we likely will not be here for more than a few years.)

Anyone dealt with this before? Do kids get over the "embarrassed" feeling after a while? Anything you can do to make them feel more secure?

[Anonymous]

We live in a house and DD (4th grade) has a friend who lives in an apartment. She thinks it's the coolest thing ever -- they have an elevator! and a balcony! Why don't we have an elevator?!

If you are friendly with the parents of any of her friends, perhaps invite a whole family over for dinner so the focus is less on just DD and her own friend. Hopefully, just having one friend over and it going well will help her get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in a house and DD (4th grade) has a friend who lives in an apartment. She thinks it's the coolest thing ever -- they have an elevator! and a balcony! Why don't we have an elevator?!

If you are friendly with the parents of any of her friends, perhaps invite a whole family over for dinner so the focus is less on just DD and her own friend. Hopefully, just having one friend over and it going well will help her get over it.

That's a good idea; thanks, PP.

[Anonymous]

Is it messy? I was sometimes embarrassed to bring my friends home to my apartment as a child, but it was always a mess.

Ask her what about it makes her embarassed and what can you both do to make her feel better about it? Get something cool for her room? Bake homemade cookies before the play date?

[Anonymous]

Also, you can ask your DD - so what if you were poor? Would you refuse to go to the apartment of a classmate who was poor? I bet she'll answer that she wouldn't care as long as she as her friend were having fun.

[Anonymous]

Talk to her about making judgments based on income and how that's not right. Talk to her about how she wouldn't even want a friend who would judge someone who lives in an apartment. Talk to her about not growing to be that person, either. I like the suggestion to invite a whole family over. Also, you can 'host' playdates in the park or some other outside venue now that it's getting warmer.

[Anonymous]

What school, if you don't mind saying? We live in an apt (and no PP, we're no poor) and looking at the addresses in our directory, at least half of DS's classmates do too.

I like the idea of having the whole family over.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Yes, we definitely plan on doing lots of park-playdates! We set one up for later in the week....

The apartment is actually reaaally clean thanks to a recent landlord redo. New kitchen, new floors, nice paintwork.

Some of this might be her anxiety about the move, too. She's had to make new friends. I agree that talking to her about not judging people based on income is a really good plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What school, if you don't mind saying? We live in an apt (and no PP, we're no poor) and looking at the addresses in our directory, at least half of DS's classmates do too.

I like the idea of having the whole family over.

I don't want to suggest who DD is, but it's an upper NW public elementary. I agree, probably a lot of her classmates *do* live in apartments (I don't really know) - and she's just focusing on the kids who don't.

[Anonymous]

Are there any cool perks to the apartment, like an indoor pool? Maybe invite a few kids over for a swim party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there any cool perks to the apartment, like an indoor pool? Maybe invite a few kids over for a swim party?

I wish! It's just a through-flat in a three-story house. I find it very pretty but it probably lacks in "kid curb appeal."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in a house and DD (4th grade) has a friend who lives in an apartment. She thinks it's the coolest thing ever -- they have an elevator! and a balcony! Why don't we have an elevator?!

If you are friendly with the parents of any of her friends, perhaps invite a whole family over for dinner so the focus is less on just DD and her own friend. Hopefully, just having one friend over and it going well will help her get over it.

+1 I was going to suggest this to. Show her how proud you are of your home by having your own guests.

[Anonymous]

If your 3rd grader is already acting DC snooty, it's time for a sit down life lesson talk. I have a feeling Mom and or Dad are embarrassed about where they live and daughter either heard it or Mom/Dad is transferring those inferior feelings. Young kids rarely care about outward appearances but grownups do.

My kids went to school with a lot of kids that lived in apartments their whole lives. Nobody cared.

I always told my kids and everyone else, it doesn't matter where you come from, it matters where you're going.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully its just the anxiety about the move and making new friends. For now, I would just do playdates outside of the apartment so she will be comfortable - museums, parks, playground, lunch date, movies. Being in the city you have so many options!

[Anonymous]

Not that this helps, but I grew up in NYC in a house. Visiting friends in apartments was SO cool because of the elevators, and because you could walk to cool places from their house. I always thought that the kids who lived in apartments were rich because they could afford to live IN the city. They had extra freedom, like going up the elevator alone or taking out the trash to the hallway or getting the mail. I'm not sure how to convey that to her. Any good novels these days for kids about a really cool family who happens to live in an apartment? When friends come over take advantage of those cool little kid moments and let them take the elevator together or go down to the corner store to grab a snack.