Holding back a very bright, but socially immature child?

[Anonymous]

I posted a month or so ago about the private school suggesting we start DD in Kindergarten instead of 1st grade and I got some very good and thought-provoking responses. DH and I have almost decided to do it, but I'm hesitating just a bit.

DD is a late July birthday and her school has an informal cut-off birth date of April or May. So, while she could technically fit into the 1st grade class, it is clear that almost every single child with a summer birthday is held back and that if she were pushed ahead she would be in class with 30-40% of students who are a full calendar year older than her or more. The school is also academically rigorous and claims that they teach almost a grade above level, compared to public schools. DD is also socially immature for her age. She struggles with some social interactions, gets frustrated quickly, resorts to baby talk when feeling shy or awkward, etc. For all of those reasons, it seems to make sense to enroll her in K again.

On the other hand, DD is very, very bright. She scored 97-99% on each category of the WPPSI. She is spatially and mathematically inclined. She learned chess and understood some strategy when she was just 5. She's great at puzzles and patterns. I don't think she's the next Einstein or anything, but I worry that holding her back academically may not be the best choice in a few years once she has grown in maturity if she is still very bright.

So, for parents who have been down this road before: is social development a better yardstick than academic development in terms of where to place a child in school? Or will she wind up bored later on?

[Anonymous]

I think you should strongly consider holding her back. I have kids with April and May birthdays and they are usually amongst the youngest. The kids with July and August birthdays start seeming much younger when their peers are fall birthdays and I have seen some struggle socially, most notable in the earlier grades where 6 months can seem like a lifetime in development. Many kids at the competitive private schools have scored where yours did on the tests, so it's not as if she'll be miles ahead, she will just fit into the normal milieu. Both my kids (even with their "late" birthdays) read before Kindergarten and there was enough social change/challenge to keep them from boredom when that activity is a main focus.

[Anonymous]

No. I would not.

[Anonymous]

It's a tough call. Is the school a competitive one with a reputation for admitting mostly or all bright (90%+ smart, academically inclined) kids? If so, then it's likely her cohort in KG would still be a good match for her. Also, is the school good at meeting the kids where they are academically as the years go by? If they are truly good at differentiating, have lots of specialists to work with the kids who are working ahead, and generally have a bright group of kids in any given grade, then I would go with KG. I think the social emotional component is so important, especially since it seems she's a little on the immature side. I would only do 1st for my child if they were truly ahead academically AND socially, especially in your situation where she doesn't even seem to be on the cusp if their unofficial cutoff.

[Anonymous]

Faced a very similar decision. I would advise you to hold her. Social maturity is very important. My exceptionally bright, socially immature child just graduated from an Ivy at the top of the class with many accolades. If you do not hold her you will doubt your decision for years.

[Anonymous]

ps, often highly verbal, bright girls appear more mature than they are.

[Anonymous]

If your school is suggesting you hold back, I would highly recommend it. We held back both of our kids who have late birthdays. Both are incredibly bright, high scores, etc. Being on the older side has been great for them! We only grow more happy with this decision as they get older, now in 7th and 5th. I would not worry about boredom if you your are in a decent school your kid will not be bored.

Also, FWIW, I, too have a late birthday and went forward. While I was happy and always excelled academically, in looking back I can see so many ways I would have benefitted by having another year of social maturity under my belt. That extra year is a gift.

[Anonymous]

Definitely hold her back, at her age, the social skills are just if not more important than the academic. Presumably the school is filled with smart kids and knows how to teach them.

[Anonymous]

Hold her back. I am sure she is very bright, but don't hold anecdotes and WPPSI scores out as your proof. Its been proven that WPPSI is a crapshoot and there is no actual test that can accurately predict a child's intelligence that young. If the school is encouraging you to hold her back, it is probably best. Social maturity, especially for girls, is so important. You woudn't want her to be the victim of bullying, which often unfairly happens to the students who are more socially immature.

[Anonymous]

If I could take back any decision I made as a parent, it was to start our smart, shy girl in Pre-K too early. At the time her birthday was two days before the cutoff. Now she's in high school and still lags behind her peers on social development -- because most of them are at least year older! I find parents play this way safer nowadays. Go with your gut. The maturity issues only become more pronounced as kids get older.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback. My DH strongly agrees with holding her back as well. Some of my hesitation is that I was a late July birthday myself, but there was never a question of holding me back in public school in the 1980s and so it was my experience to be the youngest in the class. Funny enough, my childhood best friends all had summer birthdays as well and in retrospect we were all the same maturity-wise (and in terms of physical development, too!). DD is our oldest child, and it's so interesting to see how class room age cut-offs have shifted, particularly in private schools. Thanks again for the timely and helpful responses.

[Anonymous]

I'd definitely focus on social skills. So I'd likely hold her back. Private schools can differentiate so its a win-win.

[Anonymous]

Do not hold her back. I think that academic development is much more pertinent to this decision.

My dear sister was a year and half younger than everyone else, and though small for her age (even in high school), she benefited enormously from being the youngest -- in terms of confidence, and academic development. She was admitted to Yale. My husband skipped third grade, he attended Harvard. My DC, a late fall birthday (long after his school's early September cutoff), also benefitted greatly from the confidence and challenge of always being the very youngest in their class, and is now at H/P/S/or Y. I am a firm believer in advancing academically bright children, rather than holding them back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback. My DH strongly agrees with holding her back as well. Some of my hesitation is that I was a late July birthday myself, but there was never a question of holding me back in public school in the 1980s and so it was my experience to be the youngest in the class. Funny enough, my childhood best friends all had summer birthdays as well and in retrospect we were all the same maturity-wise (and in terms of physical development, too!). DD is our oldest child, and it's so interesting to see how class room age cut-offs have shifted, particularly in private schools. Thanks again for the timely and helpful responses.

OP, I have a late August birthday and also test as PG. I was intellectually far ahead, but more socially immature than my classmates. Social acceptance is as critical as intellectual development. More so, I think, for long-term happiness.

Definitely hold your daughter back. Believe me, the intellectual development will be far easier to handle and address than the social development. Also, some very bright children have issues around sensitivity and intensity. If she is displaying any of those traits, she may need extra support from you and her teachers.

[Anonymous]

I would hold back. My son is an August birthday and we started K on time at a public. He's been fine, but every other boy he is friends with at school is also a summer birthday. He doesn't hang out with any of the older boys in his class. They are just not a social match. So if there are not going to be any other younger kids in the class b/c they are all being held back, you should consider holding back.