Holding back a very bright, but socially immature child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not hold her back. I think that academic development is much more pertinent to this decision.

My dear sister was a year and half younger than everyone else, and though small for her age (even in high school), she benefited enormously from being the youngest -- in terms of confidence, and academic development. She was admitted to Yale. My husband skipped third grade, he attended Harvard. My DC, a late fall birthday (long after his school's early September cutoff), also benefitted greatly from the confidence and challenge of always being the very youngest in their class, and is now at H/P/S/or Y. I am a firm believer in advancing academically bright children, rather than holding them back.

PP, not all bright kids react to being the youngest by becoming more confident. It sounds like your family members had solid social skills to hold them steady. Not all intellectually gifted kids do, and if they are not well-adjusted socially, intellectual gifts can result in greater unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Op your daughter is a different person vs you. Listen to the shool and the years of experience they have with dealing with childern like your daughter. The social side is just as important.

[Anonymous]

I think if you are staying at this school, hold her back. Or you can find a program that is age-appropriate academics and move her on schedule. I'm not sure I understand the trend of "academic rigor" of a year ahead only to hold more children back....it is the same as keeping them on grade level.

[Anonymous]

Op - My child was in the same boat. I would NOT hold her back. She will be bored to tears.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think that making decisions based on how it was when you were that age or on anyone else's dated experiences would be sound. The schools, especially the rigorous privates, have trended very differently since those good old days. The thing that will affect her school experience is whether she will be in range with her class, socially and academically. I am not saying this to be mean but your academic description of your daughter sounds like many of the kids my DC has been friends with since K. The kids at these schools are very bright as a norm. I've seen or heard of very few stars. Most of them won't have a clue how bright they are until they head off for college. My guess is that the school is recommending the best fit but may be offering the option of 1st as you have probably shown your concern. And what you haven't had a chance to see yet, truly academically oriented kids don't get bored. They have every resource between their teachers, libraries and the web, to learn anything they want. The best schools are teaching the kids how to independently learn, critically analyze and assess their sources. I'm not saying that suits every kid but if yours if already picking up so much, it doesn't sound like you need to worry.

[Anonymous]

We held DS back last year - September birthday. Very bright and academically ready, but the maturity wasn't there. Honestly, this past year his self esteem has sky rocketed. It has really helped that he is no longer the youngest and smallest. Even with being held back, Half of his class is older than him now (by just a few months). He would have been the youngest by far in his other class. And he was already being picked on last year by the larger older boys. They knew how to press his buttons.
The school left the decision to me, but did advise I hold him back. Granted it's been less than a year, but it was the right decision for us. He's now the leader and not struggling to fit in.
Fwiw, his reading is above grade level so they have a reading specialist come in once a week, and he gets individual time to expand his reading skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - My child was in the same boat. I would NOT hold her back. She will be bored to tears.

Oh please. My child fit op's description and then some. I pushed him forward and then decided to hold him back after a few years. I wished someone had sat me down and explain that social maturity matters a great deal more than I thought. I am tired of hearing snowflake is so bright he will be bored. A lot has to do with the kid personality. My kid took college classes as freshman in HS. If you worry about your kid being bored, you can supplement her learning outside the classroom. Social maturity is important, especially now as you try to compete with social media to raise your kid.

[Anonymous]

Hold back. I was like your child and in hindsight my parents and I agree I would have been better off a year behind. They held back my very similar younger sister after watching me struggle. Both of us were equally bright and professionally did equally well, but she had such an easier time socially during the school years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you are staying at this school, hold her back. Or you can find a program that is age-appropriate academics and move her on schedule. I'm not sure I understand the trend of "academic rigor" of a year ahead only to hold more children back....it is the same as keeping them on grade level.

+1 I always wonder about this...

OP if you feel this school is a great fit for your DC and your family, I would strongly consider the school's recommendation. It has become very common for kids to be held back with late spring to summer birthdays.

I'd ask the AD for the age span for the current and incoming K classes and spend another day observing in both K and 1st grades. Think about where you see your DC best fitting in. If DC would be the youngest by several months, I'd consider it. If he'd be one of several, I'd think more about other factors.

It's hard to tell right now, but if your child is truly just a little socially immature, a year of maturity may make a big difference. If your child is impulsive or shy as part of his personally, he'll just be an older impulsive or shy child and the year may not make a big difference.

There are studies to show that some children who start school on the older side and have things comes easily to them initially have more difficulty later in school when things get more difficult, but that others who have had to work a little harder initially learn perseverance early on, have better work/learning habits and establish a positive mindset that carries through later education.

http://www.newyorker.com/tech/elements/youngest-kid-smartest-kid

[Anonymous]

Not a holding back scenario (because of shifting cut-offs), but DD and I both have same birthday and she's a year behind where I was in school at the same age. I worried she'd be bored, but it's been a non-issue.

Basically, with very bright kids, you'd have to go multiple years ahead to get them to fall middle of the pack academically, at which point you'd have even bigger social issues and academics could still be unchallenging -- even if you start at the same place, if you learn much faster, then the pace seems slow.

So find a school where there's a rich curriculum, small class sizes, and opportunities to go further or deeper depending on interest and abilities. It's easier to tweak/supplement the academics than the social interactions.

[Anonymous]

If you see yourself and your child staying with private school in DC, then hold back. We fought the recommendation last year, only to realize the ages of the kids who were in his grade and that most kids were almost a full year older, at a school that says they do not believe in red shirting. The AD may or may not be honest with you, but the truth is that the parents have already red shirted a lot of these kids (more boys than girls) and she will simply be more among her peers if held back. Not like the 80's at all, and from what I hear, not really like public school either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not hold her back. I think that academic development is much more pertinent to this decision.

My dear sister was a year and half younger than everyone else, and though small for her age (even in high school), she benefited enormously from being the youngest -- in terms of confidence, and academic development. She was admitted to Yale. My husband skipped third grade, he attended Harvard. My DC, a late fall birthday (long after his school's early September cutoff), also benefitted greatly from the confidence and challenge of always being the very youngest in their class, and is now at H/P/S/or Y. I am a firm believer in advancing academically bright children, rather than holding them back.

I was a November birthday back in the days when Dec 31 was the cutoff. I certainly wish mt Mom would have held me back. I was smart but socially immature and as I got older, it really showed. I did not find my bearings till college socially.

DH skipped a grade and went to college at 16. He also felt it hurt him socially and in some ways academically because he wasn't mature enough to handle all the ins and outs of college (not just the academics)

There is much more challenge available to kids today who are ready and willing from harder work. No one is hurt academically by starting later. College will still be there and having the confidence socially really makes a big difference in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I held my WPPSI 99.5th percentile son back for this very reason - super-bright, but socially very immature. He met the cutoff by a few weeks.

He is now a 17yo high school junior and is still pretty immature. I am very glad that he is not a HS senior. And throughout his schooling I have never once doubted that we made the right decision.

FWIW

[Anonymous]

I am responding as an adult with an October birthday who was put ahead because in those days parents could. I was dreamy and imaginative and struggled socially always. To this day I so wish my parents had held me back.

[Anonymous]

Your description of your daughter's social skills seems to answer your question. She needs time and attention to manager herself better and work effectively in a classroom. The ability to predict a 5 year old's future academic performance is next to impossible. If she is really ahead, later, you can always accelerate then. But right now, she might not have it together to do well and that can lead to greater lost potential in the future.