being primary caregiver for someone undergoing chemo?

[Anonymous]

Were you able to continue full-time work? Did you have to take leave? How did your life look?

[Anonymous]

My husband was mine. He continued to work, but because he was a contractor and didn't get paid time off, he would drop me off for chemo in the morning and a friend or relative would pick me up when I was done (was there about 6 hours or so). I had to go 5x/wk every three week.

It was very stressful for him, as he had to do all the housework (we ended up getting a housecleaner every other week) and walk the dog, etc. Friends brought us food.

[Anonymous]

Really really just depends. I was for my mom. She was too sick to drive and had radiator 5 days a week then had to go from radiation to infusion center also 5 days a week. I took time off work to do this. There's no way I could have worked. The other option was to have friends or relatives help with driving, but that would be exhausting for her to deal with different people every day

[Anonymous]

I was working part time and could do most of my work at home. I'm not sure how I would have managed otherwise. Good luck to you. Remember to take care of yourself, too.

[Anonymous]

My husband had chemo. I had to work to keep mortgage payments and health insurance. I was very lucky his parents came and stayed with us to do the day to day and my mom lived in town. I actually had to pick up two jobs to pay the bills. We also had two small children.

The downside to that was that I was too stressed to be as a supportive caregiver as I could have been. I was worried we were going to be foreclosed, that I couldn't pay medical bills, and how I was going to support two young kids in the event he didn't get better.

My husband had a very bad stage when he was diagnosed, so I was aware that he was probably not going to have a good outcome, and we were working on the slimmest of hope. He deserved every opportunity to hold on to hope, and I believed that he had just as much right to hope and just as much chance as a miracle to recover as anyone.

However, working also didn't allow me to empathize as much as I could have. It didn't allow time for me to spend his last moments with him. It made me seem heartless to his parents because I was so stressed and worried about what would happen to me and the kids. It was hard. It was sad. My husband lost his battle. My kids lost their dad. But the hidden loss was that my husband and my kids lost my time and support because working all the time left me exhausted and emotionally unavailable.

I don't know that I would have done it differently - if i had to do it over again. Prayers and good wishes to you if you're having to make this choice. It's an awful choice to make. Please be strong.

[Anonymous]

My DH worked full time while i was going through cancer. I managed to cobble together friends for the most part to get me around. My parents came for a short time based on his urging but they were a source of stress for me. Overall, I survived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband had chemo. I had to work to keep mortgage payments and health insurance. I was very lucky his parents came and stayed with us to do the day to day and my mom lived in town. I actually had to pick up two jobs to pay the bills. We also had two small children.

The downside to that was that I was too stressed to be as a supportive caregiver as I could have been. I was worried we were going to be foreclosed, that I couldn't pay medical bills, and how I was going to support two young kids in the event he didn't get better.

My husband had a very bad stage when he was diagnosed, so I was aware that he was probably not going to have a good outcome, and we were working on the slimmest of hope. He deserved every opportunity to hold on to hope, and I believed that he had just as much right to hope and just as much chance as a miracle to recover as anyone.

However, working also didn't allow me to empathize as much as I could have. It didn't allow time for me to spend his last moments with him. It made me seem heartless to his parents because I was so stressed and worried about what would happen to me and the kids. It was hard. It was sad. My husband lost his battle. My kids lost their dad. But the hidden loss was that my husband and my kids lost my time and support because working all the time left me exhausted and emotionally unavailable.

I don't know that I would have done it differently - if i had to do it over again. Prayers and good wishes to you if you're having to make this choice. It's an awful choice to make. Please be strong.

I'm sorry this happened to your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had chemo. I had to work to keep mortgage payments and health insurance. I was very lucky his parents came and stayed with us to do the day to day and my mom lived in town. I actually had to pick up two jobs to pay the bills. We also had two small children.

The downside to that was that I was too stressed to be as a supportive caregiver as I could have been. I was worried we were going to be foreclosed, that I couldn't pay medical bills, and how I was going to support two young kids in the event he didn't get better.

My husband had a very bad stage when he was diagnosed, so I was aware that he was probably not going to have a good outcome, and we were working on the slimmest of hope. He deserved every opportunity to hold on to hope, and I believed that he had just as much right to hope and just as much chance as a miracle to recover as anyone.

However, working also didn't allow me to empathize as much as I could have. It didn't allow time for me to spend his last moments with him. It made me seem heartless to his parents because I was so stressed and worried about what would happen to me and the kids. It was hard. It was sad. My husband lost his battle. My kids lost their dad. But the hidden loss was that my husband and my kids lost my time and support because working all the time left me exhausted and emotionally unavailable.

I don't know that I would have done it differently - if i had to do it over again. Prayers and good wishes to you if you're having to make this choice. It's an awful choice to make. Please be strong.

I'm sorry this happened to your family.

OP here. Me too. You are very kind to take the time to share your experience. My heart goes out to you, your late husband, and your kids. It sounds like a terrible situation, but you did what you had to do and I only hope that I would have the strength and stamina to endure what you did. They were lucky to have you supporting them, stressed or not. Hugs.

Thanks to everyone else for sharing your experiences. This is such a curveball. I am still wrapping my head around how to make everything work, but it's good to go into the situation with my eyes wide open to the challenges. It's pretty clear that some changes are going to have to be made in my life, at least temporarily, and who knows--maybe that's for the best.

[Anonymous]

It very much depends on the type of cancer and the type of chemo. I am currently undergoing chemo myself and am continuing to work full-time (although mostly from home). My husband also continues to work full time. I'm lucky that my particular type of chemo is relatively well-tolerated.

[Anonymous]

OP, that PP's heartbreaking stories is a difficult one. My heart goes out to her and her husband and children and inlaws. It sounds like she is in a better place now. PP, I hope you are and that finances have stabilized for you and your relationship with your children and inlaws is strong.

But OP, take heart. I hope your situation isn't so hard.

I went through chemo for stage III colon cancer. My husband worked throughout. I was a SAHM at that point (My kids were 1 and 4) and he was a university professor. Because he was a prof, he could be a little flexible with his time and could bring me to my treatments. But otherwise I didn't need him. I could manage the home stuff. (Cooking, cleaning, shopping, looking after the kids.) I did get a young neighborhood girl to come about 3 hours a day to get the kids playing outside, because my energy level was often low, and I needed time to myself. A friend is now going through this same chemo routine, and she has continued to work, as has her husband. She actually has reduced her work load (flexible employer). I know we were both lucky with our situations, and I hope you can be too. No one should have to suffer as the PPs family did through that experience. (We should have a better healthcare system, damnit! My mom went through treatment in Germany for stage I breast cancer, and the insurance co sent a van to bring her to her treatments. They also sent her to a spa for five weeks after the treatment to recover.

I don't know what your situation is work and insurance-wise, but I hope it's good. Chemo is often not as bad as it was 20-40 years ago. They have gotten better at managing dosage and side effects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband had chemo. I had to work to keep mortgage payments and health insurance. I was very lucky his parents came and stayed with us to do the day to day and my mom lived in town. I actually had to pick up two jobs to pay the bills. We also had two small children.

The downside to that was that I was too stressed to be as a supportive caregiver as I could have been. I was worried we were going to be foreclosed, that I couldn't pay medical bills, and how I was going to support two young kids in the event he didn't get better.

My husband had a very bad stage when he was diagnosed, so I was aware that he was probably not going to have a good outcome, and we were working on the slimmest of hope. He deserved every opportunity to hold on to hope, and I believed that he had just as much right to hope and just as much chance as a miracle to recover as anyone.

However, working also didn't allow me to empathize as much as I could have. It didn't allow time for me to spend his last moments with him. It made me seem heartless to his parents because I was so stressed and worried about what would happen to me and the kids. It was hard. It was sad. My husband lost his battle. My kids lost their dad. But the hidden loss was that my husband and my kids lost my time and support because working all the time left me exhausted and emotionally unavailable.

I don't know that I would have done it differently - if i had to do it over again. Prayers and good wishes to you if you're having to make this choice. It's an awful choice to make. Please be strong.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had chemo. I had to work to keep mortgage payments and health insurance. I was very lucky his parents came and stayed with us to do the day to day and my mom lived in town. I actually had to pick up two jobs to pay the bills. We also had two small children.

The downside to that was that I was too stressed to be as a supportive caregiver as I could have been. I was worried we were going to be foreclosed, that I couldn't pay medical bills, and how I was going to support two young kids in the event he didn't get better.

My husband had a very bad stage when he was diagnosed, so I was aware that he was probably not going to have a good outcome, and we were working on the slimmest of hope. He deserved every opportunity to hold on to hope, and I believed that he had just as much right to hope and just as much chance as a miracle to recover as anyone.

However, working also didn't allow me to empathize as much as I could have. It didn't allow time for me to spend his last moments with him. It made me seem heartless to his parents because I was so stressed and worried about what would happen to me and the kids. It was hard. It was sad. My husband lost his battle. My kids lost their dad. But the hidden loss was that my husband and my kids lost my time and support because working all the time left me exhausted and emotionally unavailable.

I don't know that I would have done it differently - if i had to do it over again. Prayers and good wishes to you if you're having to make this choice. It's an awful choice to make. Please be strong.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

I'm PP......Thank you for the support, that simple empathy brought tears to my eyes, even though this was many many years ago. The purpose of the post was meant to tell OP that any decision she made would have been the right decision and okay because it was HER decision, and NOT to be too hard on herself and not beat herself up for not being able to be super woman. It's hard being the sick person, probably one of the hardest things a person has to go through. It's also hard and invisible feeling being the caregiver - in addition to the fact that you love your partner and hate that they have to go through this.

Anyway, I still wish OP peace with whatever decision she makes. I wish for the best outcome for the person for whom she is caring. I work in healthcare and I see many people who are in remission or who are still living with cancer, live for a long time and have long periods of wellness. So I am really hopeful her story will have many good days, days with sunshine. And if it rains, sometimes in the rain, people will share an umbrella.

[Anonymous]

It does depend; I just finished 8 rounds of chemo--one infusion every two weeks--and the side effects for me were quite minimal. My husband took off on infusion days and went with me, and I am glad he did, but it wasn't strictly necessary in my case. I would have been fine getting there and back on my own, and my husband didn't otherwise need to take time off related to my chemo.