Handling disrespect

[Anonymous]

Please advice how to handle disrespect from a 13 year old.

What should be the consequences for disrespect?
How much disrespect can be tolerated?

Can you all share your experiences and how you handle it.

[Anonymous]

There's no way we can answer this. It depends on what's considered disrespect to you, it depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your kid, etc.

Yesterday after school my DD and I bought her a new lunchbag. On the walk home, she was swinging it around, and accidentally hit someone walking by. She apologized but kept swinging it and a man had to sidestep her to avoid getting hit. When I pointed it out she argued with me. So I took the bag away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no way we can answer this. It depends on what's considered disrespect to you, it depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your kid, etc.

Yesterday after school my DD and I bought her a new lunchbag. On the walk home, she was swinging it around, and accidentally hit someone walking by. She apologized but kept swinging it and a man had to sidestep her to avoid getting hit. When I pointed it out she argued with me. So I took the bag away.

OP here. You can say that I am experiencing similar situations with a 13 year old DD.
She would leave the lights on in the study room for hours and when reminded her that she needs to turn the lights off when not in use, she will argue that she was going to go to that room anyways.
sometimes she is really sweet and sometimes she can be really disrespectful.
if she does not eat lunch or drink water, I tell her that I will stop packing her lunch from next day. Her reply would be that she will buy from the school cafeteria.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no way we can answer this. It depends on what's considered disrespect to you, it depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your kid, etc.

Yesterday after school my DD and I bought her a new lunchbag. On the walk home, she was swinging it around, and accidentally hit someone walking by. She apologized but kept swinging it and a man had to sidestep her to avoid getting hit. When I pointed it out she argued with me. So I took the bag away.

OP here. You can say that I am experiencing similar situations with a 13 year old DD.
She would leave the lights on in the study room for hours and when reminded her that she needs to turn the lights off when not in use, she will argue that she was going to go to that room anyways.
sometimes she is really sweet and sometimes she can be really disrespectful.
if she does not eat lunch or drink water, I tell her that I will stop packing her lunch from next day. Her reply would be that she will buy from the school cafeteria.

Did you read Nurtureshock? I try to keep in mind the chapter that says kids feel CLOSER to their parents after arguing with them, even though we feel angry and farther away. I will engage in an argument when DD is being logical and reasonable. When she's not, like yesterday, I won't. I even said to her today "I'd have so much more respect for you if you just told me "Yeah, I screwed up; I don't know what I was thinking, sorry."

1. Study lights: I'd put tape over the light switch so she can't turn it on. "Sorry, you don't get to use the light until you use it responsibly. Or, I'd show her the electric bill and explain that things cost money, etc.
2. I would not pack lunch for a 13 yr old. She can pack her own lunch. If she doesn't eat it for lunch she can eat it for dinner. I would take away her money so she CAN'T get cafeteria food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no way we can answer this. It depends on what's considered disrespect to you, it depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your kid, etc.

Yesterday after school my DD and I bought her a new lunchbag. On the walk home, she was swinging it around, and accidentally hit someone walking by. She apologized but kept swinging it and a man had to sidestep her to avoid getting hit. When I pointed it out she argued with me. So I took the bag away.

OP here. You can say that I am experiencing similar situations with a 13 year old DD.
She would leave the lights on in the study room for hours and when reminded her that she needs to turn the lights off when not in use, she will argue that she was going to go to that room anyways.
sometimes she is really sweet and sometimes she can be really disrespectful.
if she does not eat lunch or drink water, I tell her that I will stop packing her lunch from next day. Her reply would be that she will buy from the school cafeteria.

For the lights, I'd just tell her it needs to be done or maybe ask her if she wants to contribute to te electric bill. It's not worth fighting over IMO, but fees work. Mine would sit in the dark and try to read just to be obstinate and "win" the argument.

For lunch, first, why isn't she packing her own lunch? She's definitely old enough. When I pack her lunch (if she's running behind or something), I pack her a healthier lunch but she's less likely to eat it. When she packs her lunch, she puts in more bread, or sneaks a cookie some days, or might pack 3 apples instead of a variety of fruits and veggies. She gets exactly what she wants as there's less waste. That said, some days she's not as hungry as she thought, or she gets busy and doesn't eat much. I've asked that if she can keep the food, not to toss it. No big deal. If I make a big deal, she'll throw it away at school. I don't want to push her into hiding food habits.

For nonsense such as using a negative tone when she speaks to me, I try to ignore it or ask her to rephrase. I remember doing that with my parents and they'd make a big deal out of it. It made things far more unpleasant, because I felt like if I slipped and made one rude comment, it would spark a fight. I tried to avoid talking to them when they seemed particularly bent on making me be polite. I grew out of that angst, hopefully she will sooner without feeling like I'm on her back about everything. I do shut it down when she crosses a line.

I also snap up every opportunity to have fun with her, so if she asks to go to lunch with me, I'm in if possible. I want to make sure she remembers we can have fun together even though she's a teen and a million times cooler than me That tends to curb the disrespect for a while.

[Anonymous]

OP I let a lot of it go. I''ll probably be flamed on this board as I usually am when I respond to posts like this. I try not to make anything that I absolutely don't have to a power struggle. I'm horrible for example about remembering to turn off lights when I leave the room. When my kids are upset with me, they can say horrible things to me like they hate me etc. If they say it in the heat of a battle over practicing their instruments, doing homework I focus mostly on redirection. I try to model the behavior that I expect from my kids and that means not being explosive. I am not perfect and when they cross the line too much watch out as I am human and make mistakes as well.

They will try to lecture me when I make mistakes and they parrot my words. Intrinsically they "get it" but they can't always control themselves. I know there are people on this forum who have kids who never disrespect them because it's not tolerated and complain when I post that I am a horrible parent. I'm really happy that others have figured out how to get their kids never to disrespect them but I've never figured this one out.

I take the choose your battles carefully approach to parenting. My kids are straight A kids who watch virtually no TV. They make a lot of stupid small mistakes...

[Anonymous]

I'm 7:54 again. I'm crossing my fingers because they haven't made any big mistakes yet. Overall I have an excellent relationship with my children and they come to me for advice frequently on things such as friends etc. They listen to me on the big stuff at least they have so far. I have one in middle school and one in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I let a lot of it go. I''ll probably be flamed on this board as I usually am when I respond to posts like this. I try not to make anything that I absolutely don't have to a power struggle. I'm horrible for example about remembering to turn off lights when I leave the room. When my kids are upset with me, they can say horrible things to me like they hate me etc. If they say it in the heat of a battle over practicing their instruments, doing homework I focus mostly on redirection. I try to model the behavior that I expect from my kids and that means not being explosive. I am not perfect and when they cross the line too much watch out as I am human and make mistakes as well.

They will try to lecture me when I make mistakes and they parrot my words. Intrinsically they "get it" but they can't always control themselves. I know there are people on this forum who have kids who never disrespect them because it's not tolerated and complain when I post that I am a horrible parent. I'm really happy that others have figured out how to get their kids never to disrespect them but I've never figured this one out.

I take the choose your battles carefully approach to parenting. My kids are straight A kids who watch virtually no TV. They make a lot of stupid small mistakes...

No flames from me.

I was in a constant state of battle with my mom when I was a teen. I feel like should couldn't let things go and often threw the baby out with the bath water when it came to interacting with her. I find myself being super permissive with my (young) son now and likely will continue.

Glad that there is a successful example out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I let a lot of it go. I''ll probably be flamed on this board as I usually am when I respond to posts like this. I try not to make anything that I absolutely don't have to a power struggle. I'm horrible for example about remembering to turn off lights when I leave the room. When my kids are upset with me, they can say horrible things to me like they hate me etc. If they say it in the heat of a battle over practicing their instruments, doing homework I focus mostly on redirection. I try to model the behavior that I expect from my kids and that means not being explosive. I am not perfect and when they cross the line too much watch out as I am human and make mistakes as well.

They will try to lecture me when I make mistakes and they parrot my words. Intrinsically they "get it" but they can't always control themselves. I know there are people on this forum who have kids who never disrespect them because it's not tolerated and complain when I post that I am a horrible parent. I'm really happy that others have figured out how to get their kids never to disrespect them but I've never figured this one out.

I take the choose your battles carefully approach to parenting. My kids are straight A kids who watch virtually no TV. They make a lot of stupid small mistakes...

Actually, I think your methods are effective. I have an impulsive kid and have learned to choose my battles. It's not that respect isn't a big deal, but punitive methods don't work for some kids. A logical consequence can be effective if it makes sense and is thoughtfully implemented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's no way we can answer this. It depends on what's considered disrespect to you, it depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your kid, etc.

Yesterday after school my DD and I bought her a new lunchbag. On the walk home, she was swinging it around, and accidentally hit someone walking by. She apologized but kept swinging it and a man had to sidestep her to avoid getting hit. When I pointed it out she argued with me. So I took the bag away.

OP here. You can say that I am experiencing similar situations with a 13 year old DD.
She would leave the lights on in the study room for hours and when reminded her that she needs to turn the lights off when not in use, she will argue that she was going to go to that room anyways.
sometimes she is really sweet and sometimes she can be really disrespectful.
if she does not eat lunch or drink water, I tell her that I will stop packing her lunch from next day. Her reply would be that she will buy from the school cafeteria.

What does this mean? In all actuality, it's a moot point because I'm not sure why you are packing lunches for a 13 year old, regardless of whether or not she "drinks water"

[Anonymous]

I think she might feel smothered. 13 is tough.

The light thing would piss me off. How about just saying "sweetheart, please come to the study and close the light."

I wonder if it is disrespect or just 13 year old obliviousness. Do you really think it is about you (as it would have to be for disrespect)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I let a lot of it go. I''ll probably be flamed on this board as I usually am when I respond to posts like this. I try not to make anything that I absolutely don't have to a power struggle. I'm horrible for example about remembering to turn off lights when I leave the room. When my kids are upset with me, they can say horrible things to me like they hate me etc. If they say it in the heat of a battle over practicing their instruments, doing homework I focus mostly on redirection. I try to model the behavior that I expect from my kids and that means not being explosive. I am not perfect and when they cross the line too much watch out as I am human and make mistakes as well.

They will try to lecture me when I make mistakes and they parrot my words. Intrinsically they "get it" but they can't always control themselves. I know there are people on this forum who have kids who never disrespect them because it's not tolerated and complain when I post that I am a horrible parent. I'm really happy that others have figured out how to get their kids never to disrespect them but I've never figured this one out.

I take the choose your battles carefully approach to parenting. My kids are straight A kids who watch virtually no TV. They make a lot of stupid small mistakes...

[Anonymous]

Pick your battles, OP. You are arguing over turning off lights in the house? C'mon. That's pennies per year. You really, really, really need to unclench.

Same thing with eating her lunch and drinking water. She's an adolescent. It's her body. Stop it, OP. Just stop it.

This isn't disrespect. It has nothing to do with respecting your authority. Absolutely nothing whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

If you view every bit of misbehavior as "disrespect," you're going to make everyone miserable, because then everything is a power struggle about authority. Sometimes kids do stuff, and it's not because they don't respect you. Like not turning off the lights. Or not eating their lunch. To me, disrespect means treating you poorly--name-calling, nasty/sarcastic remarks, treating your things carelessly--not just not obeying you.