I am an atheist but agree with the values of some very religious people.

[Anonymous]

Many people read me wrong when I say that I am an atheist.
I was raised as an atheist, but my parents were very conservative and strict. Their rules made sense, and for that reason, they were easy to follow. No drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, cheating, lying, racism, bigotry and so on. Had to do the right thing all the time. There were times when it was hard because we did not fit in anywhere. I felt very uncomfortable with religious people, who actually scared me. Anytime I saw anyone praying I would walk away.
I am still uncomfrtable with religious talk, but can discuss religion in an objective way. Some religious history and sociology actually intrigue me.
My problem is that when I say that I am an atheist, people often assume that I am a social or fiscal liberal. But when people hear that I am pro life, and anti death penalty, they assume that I am a conservative Catholic. It is really about my upbringing. My parents were very serious about cruelty to animals, people, self, the environment and so on. Half of my sibs are vegetarians. That is imprinted in my head.
Fast forward: child rearing. DH is not religious, but was raised with a light touch of religion (not Christian) and has most of my values. I like how I turned out, but DH wants them to have a touch of what he had. The problem is that I fear that the very religious exposure could take that common sense approach that my parents had and turn it into something that is unbelievable (as I see religion to be). I actually see religion as a fast track to making my kids into cynics who will rebel. DH is concerned that I never fit in anywhere and he does not want his kids to be like that. He wants them to feel a part of something.
Now I have no problem with telling them "the -----s believe in such and such, so that is why they do such and such". They can be educated about others' beliefs. But to actually attend a service to me is like the koolaid, just going too far.
Not sure how to move ahead. Sibs did nothing religious with their kids, and so far, my neices and nephews are great kids.
WWYD.
Please pardon typos.

[Anonymous]

Try UU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try UU.

I have been told this over and over. They are usually very liberal and that is not me. I really don't wnat to try anything. I want to avoid any institution.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that sending your kid to church or other religious service will ruin them. I don't think not sending them will ruin them. I think if your husband wants to take them to a service, he should be able to do that as they are his kids also. And then you can talk to them about how you accept the same values they've learned about in church, but you believe in a different underlying reason for why you should embrace these values. I don't think you should be so afraid that being exposed to a different point of view will negate your parenting. In the end, you are just giving them more to ponder, and they will make up their own minds when they are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that sending your kid to church or other religious service will ruin them. I don't think not sending them will ruin them. I think if your husband wants to take them to a service, he should be able to do that as they are his kids also. And then you can talk to them about how you accept the same values they've learned about in church, but you believe in a different underlying reason for why you should embrace these values. I don't think you should be so afraid that being exposed to a different point of view will negate your parenting. In the end, you are just giving them more to ponder, and they will make up their own minds when they are older.

Thanks. I am just afraid that the "touch of religion" that DH is looking at is a liberal leaning congregation. I had two parents who were closely aligned, but in our case, DH and I kind of accidentally feel the same way about things. Overall DH is more liberal than I am.
Also, I have NO IDEA what is going on in any services since I have never been a part of that life. This is something I would have to attend with the kids (boring) to make sure that everything is aligned with what we believe at home.

[Anonymous]

Hi, you are responding to my comment. I am curious, if DH's values are aligned with your conservative values (even for a differing base reason) why do you think he'd go to a liberal congregation?

At any rate, although I am one of those liberal atheists and we don't go to any religious services, my kids come home with stuff that they've learned in the world. God is great, and you have to be good to go to heaven, etc. I try to use it as an opportunity to tell them how I feel about things and why. Kids are exposed to SO MUCH - but if you believe in your values and live them, your kids will understand them. They will develop their own values, maybe the same or similar or maybe not - but you can't be so afraid of different opinions that you try not expose them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that sending your kid to church or other religious service will ruin them. I don't think not sending them will ruin them. I think if your husband wants to take them to a service, he should be able to do that as they are his kids also. And then you can talk to them about how you accept the same values they've learned about in church, but you believe in a different underlying reason for why you should embrace these values. I don't think you should be so afraid that being exposed to a different point of view will negate your parenting. In the end, you are just giving them more to ponder, and they will make up their own minds when they are older.

Thanks. I am just afraid that the "touch of religion" that DH is looking at is a liberal leaning congregation. I had two parents who were closely aligned, but in our case, DH and I kind of accidentally feel the same way about things. Overall DH is more liberal than I am.
Also, I have NO IDEA what is going on in any services since I have never been a part of that life. This is something I would have to attend with the kids (boring) to make sure that everything is aligned with what we believe at home.

You seem to be approaching this out of fear that your kids will be exposed to values that aren't the same as yours (but are apparently your husband's). I think that you need to let your husband take your kids with him to whatever church he wants. They are his kids, and you say he shares your values about most things. Everything doesn't have to "be aligned" with what you beleive at home. If the sermon includes something you don't agree with, you can just say so, and explain why, and talk about it with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, you are responding to my comment. I am curious, if DH's values are aligned with your conservative values (even for a differing base reason) why do you think he'd go to a liberal congregation?

At any rate, although I am one of those liberal atheists and we don't go to any religious services, my kids come home with stuff that they've learned in the world. God is great, and you have to be good to go to heaven, etc. I try to use it as an opportunity to tell them how I feel about things and why. Kids are exposed to SO MUCH - but if you believe in your values and live them, your kids will understand them. They will develop their own values, maybe the same or similar or maybe not - but you can't be so afraid of different opinions that you try not expose them.

OP here, you are correct, I am afraid, mostly of the unknown. I really know NOTHING about religion on a personal level. So it is more that I am thinking what on earth is DH getting my kids up to.
Dh would go to a liberal congregation because he knows that 1. conservative congregations would require a commitment, and 2. he does not care about anything that much, anything that is easy. Sort of if he had to tick the box for a certain issue, he would, but not get up and protest or get involved.

[Anonymous]

OP here, BTW DH has not attended any service in 40 years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi, you are responding to my comment. I am curious, if DH's values are aligned with your conservative values (even for a differing base reason) why do you think he'd go to a liberal congregation?

At any rate, although I am one of those liberal atheists and we don't go to any religious services, my kids come home with stuff that they've learned in the world. God is great, and you have to be good to go to heaven, etc. I try to use it as an opportunity to tell them how I feel about things and why. Kids are exposed to SO MUCH - but if you believe in your values and live them, your kids will understand them. They will develop their own values, maybe the same or similar or maybe not - but you can't be so afraid of different opinions that you try not expose them.

OP here, you are correct, I am afraid, mostly of the unknown. I really know NOTHING about religion on a personal level. So it is more that I am thinking what on earth is DH getting my kids up to.
Dh would go to a liberal congregation because he knows that 1. conservative congregations would require a commitment, and 2. he does not care about anything that much, anything that is easy. Sort of if he had to tick the box for a certain issue, he would, but not get up and protest or get involved.

I think you owe it to your husband and kids to stop acting from fear, and to educate yourself a little. Ask your husband what church he would like to attend. Find out a little about that church. Attend a service just so you can see for yourself. You might be surprised. If your husband isn't that into it, it's not going to last, anyway, but it really isn't going to hurt to let your kids see. Honestly, they might just be bored. Or they might be interested. Or they might totally disagree and reject the religious stuff altogether. But "I'm afraid of what I don't know" is a terrible way to make decisions.

[Anonymous]

If I were to ever switch religions, (I'm Catholic), and wanted to maintain much of what you seem to value though with a more universally accepting all approach I'd be taking a hard look at the Episcopalian Church.

[Anonymous]

OP, how would you feel if your children ended up as adults who practice a religion? Do you think there are good people who practice religion -- and if your children ended up practicing, how would you raise them to be a practitioner who also kept your values?

I'm an atheist although politically very different in outlook from you. What's most important to me is that my child grows up as a critical thinker who acts humanely in the world. If that path takes them toward religion, I'm ultimately okay with that, as long as it's freely chosen. And I wouldn't discourage religious curiosity at all (because *that* might backfire!).

Would this particular religion welcome you to attend services as an atheist married to a practitioner? If it were me, I might agree to go to one or two services to understand what's going on.

I'd also have some clear conversations with my spouse about how you would frame the beliefs with your child. Religions present their beliefs as truth -- how will you manage differences in your beliefs, your husband's beliefs, and the establishment religious beliefs? How will you discuss this with your child in a way that they can understand that is respectful to each different participant, and still allows your child to make up their own mind?

[Anonymous]

If your husband hasn't been to services in 40 years and wants to start now only to "check the box," this is likely to be a short-lived experiment. It sounds like you are less afraid about your kids being exposed to religion than you are of exposure to "liberal" ideas that you don't agree with. News flash: Church is the least of your worries, and may actually align a lot better with your conservative opinions than other institutions.

Your problem is that you are uncomfortable with and confused by religion, so maybe you need to educate yourself and worry less about policing your children to make sure that everything they hear aligns with your personal (and somewhat eclectic) worldview.

[Anonymous]

Also. Just for the sake of asking ... if he hasn't gone in 40 years, and if he's not likely to be particularly involved or committed, what would happen if you just said "okay, make it happen" and then waited a month ... ? How often would they actually go?

[Anonymous]

Religious morals are a codification of right and wrong. Religious morals flow from the human conscience. Not vice versa.

The human conscience does not require religious morals.