Not sure if I should confront my sister

[Anonymous]

I'm having a hard time deciding whether or not to confront my sister about a situation that happened about a week ago. We were talking at her house and I told her some stuff going on I was disappointed about/ going through, with my work, my house, and just some personal stuff. This was all told to her in confidence. We have been super close my entire life, I have always trusted her with everything. And she has done the same to me. Three days after our chat, my mom calls me and basically discusses and or brings up every single subject/issue I brought up with my sister. And not only that, but she makes it sound like I was just complaining about every single thing that was discussed, which was not the case. I was actually asking my sister for advice/ her opinion on a lot of those issues. I was completely shocked after the phone call, but didn't ask my mom if my sister had told her all this, because it was very obvious that she went and basically "tattled" I guess? And also just made it seem to my mom like I was completely ungrateful/unhappy with some things going, which was not the case. So basically I'd like to hear other's perspective if I should approach my sister or not, about why she told my mom these things which I told her not to mention to anyone. Not sure if this makes a difference or not, but I'm 27 and she's 29, both married. Oh, and for those that might think she told my mom because maybe these were serious issues, they are not. It also makes me wonder if she's been doing this behind my back for years, but I never caught on, or my mom never mentioned it.

[Anonymous]

I think if you've been close, then you should let her know that you're disappointed she revealed what you told her to your mom, as you weren't ready to share with others yet. There may be a reason she needed to talk to your mom about it (she had some concerns about your decisions, etc), and your mom may not be transmitting the sentiment accurately. I think you should talk to her, but don't call it a confrontation. And don't attack.

[Anonymous]

My brother and I had this problem. We had to create rules. Like "Don't tell anyone" means "You can tell your spouse" and "This is lawyer-like confidence" means it goes in the vault and nobody can ever know ever.

[Anonymous]

Why would you *not* ask her about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you've been close, then you should let her know that you're disappointed she revealed what you told her to your mom, as you weren't ready to share with others yet. There may be a reason she needed to talk to your mom about it (she had some concerns about your decisions, etc), and your mom may not be transmitting the sentiment accurately. I think you should talk to her, but don't call it a confrontation. And don't attack.

Agree. Don't let this fester. Talk it out.

[Anonymous]

I think it's pretty common for mothers and daughters to talk about each other behind their back. I don't think it's malicious necessarily. Are you sure she knew you didn't want her repeating what you said? Often I will specifically say "don't repeat this to so and so". I'm all for honesty and would just bring it up that your mom mentioned the stuff you told her in confidence and see what she says.

[Anonymous]

Don't confide in her.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't need to be common for mothers and daughters to talk about each other behind their backs.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies. I agree with the above poster that said it shouldn't be that way, where mothers and daughters talk about each other behind their backs. She does know that the stuff I told her was personal information not to be shared with anyone. It really bums me out because now I don't know how much I can trust her. And I will be asking her about the incident.

[Anonymous]

"It really bums me out because now I don't know how much I can trust her."

You do know how much you can trust her. You can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. I agree with the above poster that said it shouldn't be that way, where mothers and daughters talk about each other behind their backs. She does know that the stuff I told her was personal information not to be shared with anyone. It really bums me out because now I don't know how much I can trust her. And I will be asking her about the incident.

OP, this is a good start, but be careful. If your sister is trustworthy, then she will stop telling your mom things if you ask her to. If she is manipulative, she will get you to think you can trust her again, then continue her old ways but with the added twist of masking sure your mom doesn't let it get back to you. If she's stupid she will insist that it's your mother's right to know everything you tell her, and that she won't keep anything from your mom.

I speak from experience. I hope your sister is a true and kind friend and not like my sister.

[Anonymous]

My sister used to do this to me, so now I don't tell her anything I don't want repeated. I can't stand her husband (they married 5 years ago), so it was really easy to stop confiding since I knew she'd tell him everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"It really bums me out because now I don't know how much I can trust her."

You do know how much you can trust her. You can't.

Absolutely, this. You should tell her how disappointed you are in that breaking of trust, and then no matter what she says, believe what she's shown you to be true: you cannot trust her.

Hopefully you have someone else you're close to and can confide in when you need to, because if you confide in your sister again, you can't be mad at her if she tells your mom or someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. I agree with the above poster that said it shouldn't be that way, where mothers and daughters talk about each other behind their backs. She does know that the stuff I told her was personal information not to be shared with anyone. It really bums me out because now I don't know how much I can trust her. And I will be asking her about the incident.

OP, this is a good start, but be careful. If your sister is trustworthy, then she will stop telling your mom things if you ask her to. If she is manipulative, she will get you to think you can trust her again, then continue her old ways but with the added twist of masking sure your mom doesn't let it get back to you. If she's stupid she will insist that it's your mother's right to know everything you tell her, and that she won't keep anything from your mom.

I speak from experience. I hope your sister is a true and kind friend and not like my sister.

Sadly, the truth is that not only did her sister break her trust, somehow her mom got the impression OP was whining and complaining. OP cannot trust her sister to keep confidence, and it's likely she also can't trust her to fairly represent what she tells others about OP.

Even if OP's sister is truly sorry, that shows bad judgement and OP should just think about whether she wants to risk that happening all over again.

[Anonymous]

Ask her.