How important is it for your partner to get along with your friends & fam?

[Anonymous]

How important is it to you that your partner fit in with your friends and family? Can it be enough just to get along and connect really well when you're alone together?

33 y/o mom of a toddler here. Divorced father amicably a year ago and started dating someone seriously for first time about two months ago. My ex and I were very good buddies but had no physical/romantic chemistry. My friends and family all loved him, which was a major factor in our staying together longer than we probably should have. Basically I think I married my best friend when I was too young out of fear of intimacy and other issues, so for my next relationship I'm trying not to replicate that dynamic. Since the divorce, I've been focusing a lot more on developing my close friendships and hobbies and my own life and identity, and I'm much happier than I had been in my codependent marriage.

I'm not trying to approach my next relationship with an exact blueprint or anything, but I'm thinking I'd like to focus on more of a romantic connection with someone I love as a friend but isn't my best friend. I don't want new partner to fulfill every role in my life, like he can not be great in certain roles as long as he and I connect romantically. I really want us both to have robust lives as individuals. This new boyfriend and I have amazing chemistry - like nothing I've never experienced before - and connect on spiritual and intellectual levels. We just seem to each be in the right places in our lives for one another right now.

So...one thing holding me back is that he can be a bit grating in social situations...he tends to dominate conversation and be a bit of a know-it-all, which I sort of find endearing when we're alone but makes me uncomfortable when we're in a group. This is making me put my money where my mouth is - am I really OK with a new partner not being ideal on every front, or am I full of it? How important is it for you to love how your partner acts when you're with others?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I could never be committed to someone who didn't get alon with my family and friends. It's a major red flag that they see something I'm too blinded to see.

Will you find someone who is perfect in every aspect that you want? No. But if the majority of your friends and family dislike him, that's a major red flag.

[Anonymous]

It's important to me because life is not lived in a vacuum- it's full of events with family and friends. And not just big ones, but day to day stuff.
I wouldn't want to feel uncomfortable or feel like I had to explain him away every time we weren't alone. Does he see his know-it-allness as an issue? Does he have a lot of friends?

[Anonymous]

I'm having this issue right now.

It's important to me that my family not just accept my fiance, but like him. I don't want to spend my time at family gatherings for the next 50 years with my spouse merely being tolerated by everyone.

My fiance though doesn't give a shit what his family thinks. I've been trying to take them into consideration for things and make plans to see them, and he doesn't care and says that it doesn't matter what they think, whether or not they like me or our relationship, we're going to be together regardless, so he doesn't care or even think about it.

I have no reason to believe they don't like me, and I feel and he has said they do like me and "approve". But his attitude towards just not caring either way bothers me.

[Anonymous]

If family gatherings are important to you this may not work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could never be committed to someone who didn't get alon with my family and friends. It's a major red flag that they see something I'm too blinded to see.

Will you find someone who is perfect in every aspect that you want? No. But if the majority of your friends and family dislike him, that's a major red flag.

I agree. Do people seem uncomfortable around him or is this just something you're super self-conscious about because you're on alert?

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel sorry for your ex because you agreed to marry him although there were no romantic feelings. Now he doesn't see his kid everyday, had his heart broken, and sees you screwing around while he is probably alone and will never trust another woman.

[Anonymous]

It's pretty important to me that everyone gets along. They don't have to be best friends, but I can't spend my life with someone who embarasses me or makes me cringe in regular interaction w/ my friends and family.

Similarly, my spouse must respect my strong relationships w/ friends and family - he doesn't have to love them, but he has to accept that I do and accord them some level of respect as a result.

[Anonymous]

You need to go with your own heart. So what if he dominates a conversation or is "grating" when you are in a social setting. Look closer at your friends and family and I bet they do annoying things that you just don't even notice anymore. If you feel this is right then you have to go with what is best for you in your day to day. No one is perfect or will fit into every situation perfectly all the time. If he is good and kind to you that is all that matters and friends and family should see that he makes YOU happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm having this issue right now.

It's important to me that my family not just accept my fiance, but like him. I don't want to spend my time at family gatherings for the next 50 years with my spouse merely being tolerated by everyone.

My fiance though doesn't give a shit what his family thinks. I've been trying to take them into consideration for things and make plans to see them, and he doesn't care and says that it doesn't matter what they think, whether or not they like me or our relationship, we're going to be together regardless, so he doesn't care or even think about it.

I have no reason to believe they don't like me, and I feel and he has said they do like me and "approve". But his attitude towards just not caring either way bothers me.

Why does everyone have to "like" each other so much. Does everyone have to "like"each other in all situations? Work, school, neighbors etc? In the real world most people just tolerate each other. You have a very immature way of thinking and probably are not ready to get married if you don't accept the way your fiance thinks about family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm having this issue right now.

It's important to me that my family not just accept my fiance, but like him. I don't want to spend my time at family gatherings for the next 50 years with my spouse merely being tolerated by everyone.

My fiance though doesn't give a shit what his family thinks. I've been trying to take them into consideration for things and make plans to see them, and he doesn't care and says that it doesn't matter what they think, whether or not they like me or our relationship, we're going to be together regardless, so he doesn't care or even think about it.

I have no reason to believe they don't like me, and I feel and he has said they do like me and "approve". But his attitude towards just not caring either way bothers me.

Why does everyone have to "like" each other so much. Does everyone have to "like"each other in all situations? Work, school, neighbors etc? In the real world most people just tolerate each other. You have a very immature way of thinking and probably are not ready to get married if you don't accept the way your fiance thinks about family.

No, everyone doesn't have to like each other. But I don't consider family to be "everyone". It's sad that you do. It's unfortunate all your relationships involve simply tolerating each other. Sounds miserable to be around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel sorry for your ex because you agreed to marry him although there were no romantic feelings. Now he doesn't see his kid everyday, had his heart broken, and sees you screwing around while he is probably alone and will never trust another woman.

Not OP, but why in the world would he be alone? Unless he's an emotional basket case he will carry on just fine. Stop projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to go with your own heart. So what if he dominates a conversation or is "grating" when you are in a social setting. Look closer at your friends and family and I bet they do annoying things that you just don't even notice anymore. If you feel this is right then you have to go with what is best for you in your day to day. No one is perfect or will fit into every situation perfectly all the time. If he is good and kind to you that is all that matters and friends and family should see that he makes YOU happy.

This is "perfect world" advice and ignores some very basic concepts of real life. If he is good and kind to OP but is an ass to everyone that she is close to, that will isolate her and sabotage those relationships. Also, I would hope that my family would be honest if they thought that someone who mkaes me happy was bad for me - love is often blind and that is waht family is for. Finally, if there is tension between OP's BF and her family, she is going to bear the brunt of it because she is in the middle.

I am NOT saying that they all need to be best buddies or adore each other, but they do need to recognize that they all love someone in common and act accordingly. They need to be able to get along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm having this issue right now.

It's important to me that my family not just accept my fiance, but like him. I don't want to spend my time at family gatherings for the next 50 years with my spouse merely being tolerated by everyone.

My fiance though doesn't give a shit what his family thinks. I've been trying to take them into consideration for things and make plans to see them, and he doesn't care and says that it doesn't matter what they think, whether or not they like me or our relationship, we're going to be together regardless, so he doesn't care or even think about it.

I have no reason to believe they don't like me, and I feel and he has said they do like me and "approve". But his attitude towards just not caring either way bothers me.

Why does everyone have to "like" each other so much. Does everyone have to "like"each other in all situations? Work, school, neighbors etc? In the real world most people just tolerate each other. You have a very immature way of thinking and probably are not ready to get married if you don't accept the way your fiance thinks about family.

NP, if my closest and most constant relationships were with people I simply tolerated, I'd find new ones. I guess it depends on how connected you are to your friends and family, but just tolerating someone is not enough for a lot of us. And it's not a maturity issue, it's a quality of life one.

[Anonymous]

It is essential that my partner get along with family and friends. If he is grating and a know it all I would also wonder about his work relationships. BTw, it's great that you have amazing chemistry right now but after being married for awhile, lust can diminish, so you need a lot of other connections too.