I told my husband I want to start seeing other people.

[Anonymous]

Im going through a hard marriage time, precipitated by discovering my husband's affair. I've asked him to work it out, but he just argues with me when I try to discuss how hurt I was and tells me he's tired of having his flaws discussed. I would have liked to have seen massive effort toward repairing this and making it right, but he just wants to pretend it never happened, so I'm always the bad guy bringing it up when I get too distressed to hold it in.

I don't want to divorce, but I feel hated in my marriage. It's killing me to live this way. I feel invisible. He won't do counseling.

I've had my limit, but seeing other people not really the solution that I want. I'd like my husband to either divorce me or work on things.
He settled into doing neither. And we can't talk without him getting huffy and shutting down conversation with how unfair it is he has to hear about it.

Why is he acting this way? I guess if I understood maybe there would be a better solution.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't seem to be interested in helping you understand. It's your life and you're letting him control it. DTMFA.

[Anonymous]

You want him to divorce you, but you won't divorce him?

I don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im going through a hard marriage time, precipitated by discovering my husband's affair. I've asked him to work it out, but he just argues with me when I try to discuss how hurt I was and tells me he's tired of having his flaws discussed. I would have liked to have seen massive effort toward repairing this and making it right, but he just wants to pretend it never happened, so I'm always the bad guy bringing it up when I get too distressed to hold it in.

I don't want to divorce, but I feel hated in my marriage. It's killing me to live this way. I feel invisible. He won't do counseling.

I've had my limit, but seeing other people not really the solution that I want. I'd like my husband to either divorce me or work on things.
He settled into doing neither. And we can't talk without him getting huffy and shutting down conversation with how unfair it is he has to hear about it.

Why is he acting this way? I guess if I understood maybe there would be a better solution.

So since he clearly won't work on things, why don't you want a divorce again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want him to divorce you, but you won't divorce him?

I don't understand.

+1 Most confusing post

[Anonymous]

Tell him counseling, talking it through at home, or divorce. Let him choose for now and go from there. Counseling is the best option IMHO.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'd like to work it out. I don't understand why he won't fish or cut bait.

[Anonymous]

Yes, start seeing other people, immediately. You need a new perspective. Your husband is an ass and if you need to baby step your way to leaving him so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'd like to work it out. I don't understand why he won't fish or cut bait.

Because he doesn't want to take responsibility. He wants to be able to blame whatever happens on you.

[Anonymous]

OP- to clarify, I have told him WE should divorce, but he says he doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'd like to work it out. I don't understand why he won't fish or cut bait.

You want to work it out by seeing other people? Let us know how it turns out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'd like to work it out. I don't understand why he won't fish or cut bait.

PP back.

Since we're speaking in idioms this brings to mind a couple for me, namely "wanting ain't getting", and Maya Angelou's "When someone shows you who they are believe them."

So does it matter why? You can't control him, you can only control yourself. Since he won't fish, why don't you cut bait?

He's shown you who he is. Believe him. And then decide what *you* want to do with that, not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'd like to work it out. I don't understand why he won't fish or cut bait.

You want to work it out by seeing other people? Let us know how it turns out!

OP - No he doesn't want to work with me to figure out what we need to do to reconnect, and he doesn't want to divorce. I guess I could initiate an adversarial divorce, which is not the option I'd prefer. I was hoping it would either wake him up to committing to either divorcing or working on things. If it is neither, I would like to find a companion with whom I could share enjoyable time, and have fun again, and proceed with divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'd like to work it out. I don't understand why he won't fish or cut bait.

You want to work it out by seeing other people? Let us know how it turns out!

OP - No he doesn't want to work with me to figure out what we need to do to reconnect, and he doesn't want to divorce. I guess I could initiate an adversarial divorce, which is not the option I'd prefer. I was hoping it would either wake him up to committing to either divorcing or working on things. If it is neither, I would like to find a companion with whom I could share enjoyable time, and have fun again, and proceed with divorcing.

OP, it doesn't work like that. Someone who is worth having a real relationship with isn't going to put up with this bullshit. Both you and your husband are acting like kids: "No you divorce." No, YOU divorce." Be the adult in the relationship and end this. THEN you can pursue a healthier relationship with fun and companionship. That will not happen until you finish this business with your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP - you can't make anyone else do anything. You only control you. So you have to decide what you need to do.

I will advise that seeing other people is probably not the right answer. First, any really good guy isn't going to be with a married woman. Secondly, you now will now have given your husband grounds for that adversarial divorce. Third - just who do you think is out here waiting?

Figure out if you want to be married as is, or decide if you'd rather be divorced.