Communicate with SIL or not?

[Anonymous]

SIL (DH's sister) and DH have almost no relationship anymore. SIL apparently was always a little bit of a black sheep but she had a severe downslide about 10 years ago. She divorced her husband and spiraled deep into addiction, quickly losing her job, her house and eventually custody of her kids. All of this was covered up by MIL who didn't give details, just explained these circumstances vaguely as "health problems" as she was embarrassed about the situation and wanted to maintain appearances.

FIL passed away during this time period and SIL spiraled even farther down. At this point it was pretty impossible for MIL to hide what was going on, and we started to hear the details. This was when SIL was in the process of losing custody of her kids and MIL was paying tens of thousands of dollars to fight a losing battle. SIL had no place of residence, no job and was clearly in the throes of addiction.

Once we found out about the details, our lives pretty much revolved around what emergency situation SIL had gotten herself into. Phone call in the middle of the night type of stuff. Plus a very scary experience where she was clearly under the influence and was convinced she was being followed by people who wanted to kill her. We found ourselves hiding in a bedroom under the bed because a car pulled into the driveway and she thought it was the person coming to kill all of us. She was involved in drug dealing (her boyfriend later went to prison for 3 years) so it was plausible.

At this point DH decided he could no longer be involved. He knew ultimately this was about his sister but he was angry that his mom had enabled all of this for so long and it had gotten to that point. He was in communication with his mom but refused to talk about SIL.

Finally, somehow, SIL got into some sort of program and stopped using. About a year ago, she no longer qualified for inpatient rehab (physical rehab) and had nowhere to go so MIL let her live with her. It's been about a year and SIL seems to be on a better path. She goes to a day program and takes meds for mental illness that was probably undiagnosed through this whole time period. I'm happy she's in a better place now.

The issue is that she wants to just jump back into having a relationship with DH and me and our DS like nothing ever happened. In her mind, we should just forget about this 10 year time period, as it was her struggle and she lost the most out of it. While that is true, it also affected everyone in the family and she doesn't seem ready or willing to acknowledge that.

She sends cards to DS on his birthday and for things like Valentines Day, and I feel badly not acknowledging them. DH is not opposed to me communicating with her, he just doesn't want a relationship with her. He resents that she has put his family (most importantly his nieces) through such turmoil.

I'm not sure I'm ready to have a relationship with her, but I'd like to acknowledge I'm proud of her for the changes she's made. However, I too would like for her to acknowledge what we've been through related to her issues. Also, in the few times I have communicated with her over the last few years she has lied to me which further confuses me.

Should I start trying to communicate with her or just leave things as they are?

[Anonymous]

Sorry that your family has been through all of this. You, however sound like the voice of reason and compassion and empathy. I see nothing wrong with having limited contact with SIL, acknowledging cards, etc. The bottom line is she is a mentally ill person who was self-medicating and fell into the abyss of drug addiction. Proceed slowly, you don't have to trust someone to love them, you just have to have strong, clear boundaries. I hope you husband can get past his hurt. There is really not much of a point in trying to get a mentally ill person to admit that their actions hurt you. Try to move on and do not allow her in, in such a way that she could cause further damage. If she earns your trust over an extended time then good, if not, so be it.

[Anonymous]

DH is not opposed to me communicating with her, he just doesn't want a relationship with her.

If you want your marriage to stay good I'd follow your husband's lead. But it's your life. Do whatever you want.

[Anonymous]

Given that she lied to you recently, I would continue to stay away. She probably still has a lot more work to do before there can be a healthy relationship.

What was your relationship with her like before she went off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given that she lied to you recently, I would continue to stay away. She probably still has a lot more work to do before there can be a healthy relationship.

What was your relationship with her like before she went off?

I liked her. There was no pretense with her and I felt she was more "real" then DH's other sister. That's part of the reason I feel guilty about not communicating with her at all. But I only knew her for a few years before all of this happened. --OP

[Anonymous]

No. Choose DH or her. You can't have both.

[Anonymous]

She sounds very troubled still. The lies, the wanting to ignore what's happened in the past - no wonder your husband doesn't want to have anything to do with her, even if she seems to have worked through some of her problems. I'd feel bad, too, if I were you, but having been burned too many times by troubled people in my family, I've learned my lesson, and would probably keep my distance from her.

[Anonymous]

I see what you're all saying. It just gets awkward when we go visit MIL since SIL lives there (it doesn't happen frequently since they live 9 hours away). SIL starts asking us why we don't respond when she calls, sends cards etc. and seems hurt by it. She directs the questions at me and I try to deflect to DH but she will tell me in private that she's very hurt by it. It's a complicated situation but I guess I should just follow DH's lead. --OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She sends cards to DS on his birthday and for things like Valentines Day, and I feel badly not acknowledging them. DH is not opposed to me communicating with her, he just doesn't want a relationship with her.

Seems that since your husband doesn't care, you could send a quick text/email every so often, acknowledging cards that she sent . Easily done and doesn't draw you into more or a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Keep your distance. Keep her away from your son.