becoming a "trailing spouse"
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Anonymous
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DH and I are both feds (both 13's), but he may have an opportunity to do something much more in line with his career goals than what he's doing now. I think it might be his dream job, even though he wouldn't call it that. It's the type of job that's hard to come by (tenure track professor), but it comes with a big problem: it's literally all the way across the country in an area where jobs are not nearly as plentiful as here.
When we first moved here 7 years ago, I took a big pay cut and basically started over in my career, even switching industries. I'm now solidly entrenched in government work (management/budget analyst) and am really having a hard time seeing myself give up my career to follow DH. The job is also in a part of the country that is too expensive for just one of us to work, even though it's likely to be a big raise for him. It took me a year to find a job here and I couldn't do it into we'd already moved. So my question is, how do I conduct a job search from far away? I literally know two people in the whole state! Moving here, at least I had some connections already. I hate to deprive him of his dream job, but with a family now, it's much too risky for us to just pick up and move (I think). Have you or your spouse ever done something like this and it worked out okay? We have some savings but would probably need it to buy somewhere to live after moving. We would make something on the sale of our current house, but we've only been there for 3 years. Where do we even start? |
Anonymous
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Use your federal network. There are Federal jobs in all 50 states.
However, it seems to need to have a discussion with your DH about both of your priorities and your priorities as a couple. Since you moved here for his job, perhaps you need to consider staying here for your job. Taking turns in taking the hit. Or, he moves first and you move when you find a comparable job and you have a commuter marriage for a while. |
Anonymous
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I was a trailing spouse in a country where I couldn't work in my field for pay (it barely existed there, and despite making some serious connections couldn't find a full time job at all!)- but I knew it was temporary so I embraced it and did other things including a lot of volunteering each week as 'work'. Sometimes I was lonely at times when all my new friends and DH was at work and I wanted that, but then I also just dealt with that and found other things to do.
I think that being in a different area might make your search a little longer but its truly not like DC is the end all and be all of all employment- good luck OP and I bet some new opportunity will present itself eventually- could be a great challenge or adventure! |
Anonymous
| If you think it's too risky then he needs to take your feelings into consideration. I would not be happy if everytime my spouse found some new opportunity he expected me to up and move my life. It's something that both parties need to fully agree on. |
Anonymous
| DH and I are also both Feds (GS-14s), and we moved to DC to move up in our careers. We are in agreement that both of our careers are equally important, and there is no trailing spouse. If my husband ever decided he wanted to pursue a job in another location, it would need to be a location where my job would be just as challenging and fulfilling. |
Anonymous
| Can you look into whether you can work remotely at your job or another fed job? I know people who work 100% remotely for the fed govt. |
Anonymous
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OP here-Hopefully I'm not misrepresenting DH. He absolutely isn't forcing the issue, but just continuing along in the hiring process. He has been told that he's the only candidate with the experience he has. He also knows we both have to be happy/fulfilled/gainfully employed for this to work. We both pursued graduate careers and consider ourselves equals. But I am not in my "dream job" (I actually don't really have one anymore) and this is his. I'm just trying to figure out if there's a way we can make this work. He has passed up other opportunities and in fact, we kind of moved here because I wanted to (although he had a job and I didn't). We are near(er) to family here, whereas there, we would be a looong flight away.
I'm on the lookout for Fed jobs similar to mine, but as I'm part of the federal budget process, most jobs exactly like mine are in DC. I could be an analyst anywhere, though, if there were jobs available. |
Anonymous
| Yes, we've done this twice. First off, does he have an offer in hand? And outside of the work issue, is the job in a place where you both want to live? That's a pretty important thing to consider. |
Anonymous
I will likely pursue this, but I have a new boss who doesn't really know me yet. The only ones in my office who 100% telework are at remote sites (not a great option where we'd be headed...1.5 hr commute) or have health accommodations. |
Anonymous
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I'm a foreigner who followed her spouse to the USA for his dream job. My visa does not allow me to work here, and if I could get it changed, I would have to start from scratch without any connections at all after staying home for 7 years. We are a family of 4 living in Bethesda on one middle-class salary (paying all Fed and MD taxes) and make it work, quite happily. So pardon me for being blunt, but I think you can make it work too. |
Anonymous
Thank you for your perspective, but I have student loans and would be unlikely to be happy for an extended period as a SAHM. To answer PP, no offer, just thinking through it now in case they need a quick response. It's a place we could definitely be very happy (gorgeous weather, lots to do, beautiful scenery), but we'd be far from all family which would be a downer. |
Anonymous
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If it's a job at a university, does he have any ability to negotiate for a position there for you? Are there any opportunities at the university that you would be interested in pursuing?
DH is also a prof and I'm the trailing spouse, though by pure luck we ended up in a spot with many opportunities for me. I was able to negotiate a deal with my old company where I work from home most of the time and occassionally go into our nearest office. It's not ideal, but it's working for us for the time being. If that hadn't worked out, I would have likely tried to swing something at the university as part of his negotiating process, with the thought that at least I would be empolyeed and could pursue other things from there (plus my background lends itself to that). I've recently started trying to figure out what I want to do with myself long-term, which is also complicated by having young kids. When I don't think about it too much, I'm happy with our life, but I do have a fair amount of angst about the career detours his job, and parenting, have caused for me. Like your husband, mine considers me an equal and definitely takes my career into consideration when pursuing opportunities, but the nature of academia leads to some tough decisions and restrictions on what its possible for me to pursue. Good luck! |
Anonymous
Yep, this is exactly our situation. Very specific field he's in, with opportunities fairly few and far between. Many of the opportunities pay very poorly compared to what he's doing now. We'd have to investigate the other opportunities there if/when the time comes, but I'd actually be very interested. I actually started out interested in working in higher ed right out of college! Thanks for the ideas. |
Anonymous
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I'm the PP who asked if he has an offer. So I assume he's on a short list and already did his job talk, yes?
One set of questions to consider is the type of institution he's looking at and the nature of the tenure process there. Is it a research or teaching university? Is there a faculty union and an established tenure process, or is it the more typical and less predictable route to tenure? If he gets an offer and he's a highly desired candidate, he can ask about opportunities for you. There might be an administrative opening at the university, for example, or the university might have good contacts at or partnerships with a local or state government in the city you're moving to. The trailing spouse issue is common so if he gets an offer it's reasonable for him to mention your work situation and see what happens. |
Anonymous
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If you haven't already, you should look at the Chronicle of Higher Ed on line--there should be a forum if not fora on "trailing spouses" and you will find a lot of great advice (and sympathy) there.
GL! |