Mother refuses to support herself

[Anonymous]

She has a job, but had made less than $5K per year for the last few years. She insists that's she's looking for another job, but hasn't found one in 2 years. Her house was foreclosed on last year and she's been sleeping on my sister's couch. My mother is a hateful woman and my sister wants her out. She's 56 years old and physically capable of working.

I pulled a few favors and found her an efficiency. As a favor to me, my friends were willing to waive all deposits and even turn the utilities on in their name. My sister and I said we'd pay for 3 months rent, but she needed to find a way to pay her own rent after that. She refused that offer.

My sister and mom made a deal for my sister to take over payments of her place, so she could buy the house that she recently lost. They added my sister's name on the deed, but didn't change the loan. The value of the place dropped significantly and my mother owed much more than it was worth. My mother now insists that it is her place and she wants my sister and her family out. Her plan is to continue living there without paying until the bank takes that one back too. My sister has been paying the mortgage and making improvements on it for seven years.

We have no idea what to do with my mother. She insists she will be taking my sister to court over this fight. What really needs to happen is my mother needs to take some responsibility to take care of herself. She says we owe her because she raised us. It is amazingly difficult to help someone who feels like she is owed a life provided by someone else. My father took care of her long after they divorced. He died almost 2 years ago and it's been a train wreck ever since.

We have a brother, but he had been living with and supporting her for the last 2 years, with thousands in credit card debt to show for it. He's stepped back, and I can't blame him.

She's toxic and hateful, along with asking for the world. We don't know what to do with her.

[Anonymous]

Your sister should move out and leave your mother with the mortgage. None of you should give her any money. You should all tell her that this is your intention and that her debts are hers and she needs to become self-supporting, and then stick to it. Never let her stay with any of you. Be prepared to have no contact with her if she can't accept this.

[Anonymous]

My mom wouldn't even be able to switch utilities to her name.

There's the issue that my sister has been working for 7 years to pay for and improve that place. My mom wants to walk in and throw the whole thing away, and put a foreclosure on my sister's credit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom wouldn't even be able to switch utilities to her name.

There's the issue that my sister has been working for 7 years to pay for and improve that place. My mom wants to walk in and throw the whole thing away, and put a foreclosure on my sister's credit.

Is your sister on the deed or on the loan? I think it makes some difference. I believe she can execute a quitclaim to revert her stake in the property back to your mom/bank?

The money put in 7 years... that is long lost.

[Anonymous]

The bank will not loan more than it's worth. That's why the loan is still in my mother's name. She didn't have the money to cover the gap.

[Anonymous]

If your sister's name isn't on the loan, it's not going to affect her credit. She was stupid to do what she did with regard to the house in the first place, knowing what you guys did about your mother's financial habits, and any money she put into the house is a sunk cost. She will have to let it go. And you both need to stop trying to help your mother. You can't help someone who won't try to help themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your sister's name isn't on the loan, it's not going to affect her credit. She was stupid to do what she did with regard to the house in the first place, knowing what you guys did about your mother's financial habits, and any money she put into the house is a sunk cost. She will have to let it go. And you both need to stop trying to help your mother. You can't help someone who won't try to help themselves.

THIS

[Anonymous]

OP, is your mother an addict by any chance? If so, I suggest attending 12-step meetings for friends and families of alcoholics (Al-Anon) or drug addicts (Nar-Anon). The principles followed in these groups would be helpful to you even if she isn't an addict. Basically you have to accept that your mother is not going to change and you have to figure out how to set boundaries with her so you don't get any further entangled into her mess. A support group would help you with that.

I don't know what your sister should do about the house but I guess I would lean towards walking away from it and letting your mother sink on her own. But when she does sink you have to resist the urge to go rescue her. You will need help to do that. Talk to a therapist or find a support group. I know it's painful to write your mother off but you've done a lot for her and it hasn't changed her yet. More sacrifice won't do it either.

[Anonymous]

You all need to let go of your mother. Just let her hit rock bottom.

The home improvements are lost, but as long as the mortgage is not in your sister's name, it's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Your sister's name is on the deed but not the loan? I'm not sure how that works. I think she should consult a lawyer and get out of the house, but ultimately it's up to your sister to do damage control here and set up healthy boundaries for herself. You can't do that for her.

What you can do for yourself is not start giving your mom money and keep firm with healthy boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister's name isn't on the loan, it's not going to affect her credit. She was stupid to do what she did with regard to the house in the first place, knowing what you guys did about your mother's financial habits, and any money she put into the house is a sunk cost. She will have to let it go. And you both need to stop trying to help your mother. You can't help someone who won't try to help themselves.

THIS

+1
Sucks that the money invested in improving the house, but they can walk away and not have it affect credit.

Walk away is what all of you need to do. Full stop. I can't imagine allowing that much toxicity around me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister's name is on the deed but not the loan? I'm not sure how that works. I think she should consult a lawyer and get out of the house, but ultimately it's up to your sister to do damage control here and set up healthy boundaries for herself. You can't do that for her.

What you can do for yourself is not start giving your mom money and keep firm with healthy boundaries.

Yes. They added her name to the deed, but you can't just transfer a loan. Being upside down on the house made a second transaction impossible with $30K to cover the gap. My sister was helping her out so she could buy the other place. My mom couldn't rent it out for what she was paying for it or sell it.

My sister does not want to move her family out. She is planning to stop being considerate and my mother will want to leave. I suspect if my mother can't sleep until noon on the couch everyday, she won't be as comfortable there. My mother asked to move in with me. That's never going to happen. After she called my sister a c*nt and told me she didn't care if she ever spoke to me again, I don't care if she has to sleep in her car. My sister and I are 40ish, and way too old for this crap. I'm so over it, but I'm upset that my sister is upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister's name is on the deed but not the loan? I'm not sure how that works. I think she should consult a lawyer and get out of the house, but ultimately it's up to your sister to do damage control here and set up healthy boundaries for herself. You can't do that for her.

What you can do for yourself is not start giving your mom money and keep firm with healthy boundaries.

Yes. They added her name to the deed, but you can't just transfer a loan. Being upside down on the house made a second transaction impossible with $30K to cover the gap. My sister was helping her out so she could buy the other place. My mom couldn't rent it out for what she was paying for it or sell it.

My sister does not want to move her family out. She is planning to stop being considerate and my mother will want to leave. I suspect if my mother can't sleep until noon on the couch everyday, she won't be as comfortable there. My mother asked to move in with me. That's never going to happen. After she called my sister a c*nt and told me she didn't care if she ever spoke to me again, I don't care if she has to sleep in her car. My sister and I are 40ish, and way too old for this crap. I'm so over it, but I'm upset that my sister is upset.

Your mother won't move out, she will take your sister to court AND WIN.

Your sister is out those 7 years of payments. Tell her to move her family out.

Your sister, you, and your brother need to get far away from your mother and not expect ANYTHING you did for her or ANY MONEY you paid for things to help her to EVER come back to you.

[Anonymous]

Agree with pp that it sounds like mom is an addict. Are there any free or low cost social services that you can tap into for counseling? It sounds very stressful and sounds like my life with my brother.

[Anonymous]

She's not an addict. She doesn't even drink.

My sister saw an attorney a couple of hours ago. She can't take the house from my sister. My mother does not have money for an attorney. It's just a threat.