How can I make my stepkids feel special

[Anonymous]

I have three stepkids (two teens and a tween). They live in another city and we only see them summers and Xmas. We just had a new baby. Birth mom vetoed them visiting us over Presidents Day weekend when their grandparents came to see us and meet the new baby. We won't see them until summer. How can I make them feel special and let them know I miss them and am really excited for them to get to know baby.

[Anonymous]

We send cards twice a month and presents monthly. Otherwise, text/call regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We send cards twice a month and presents monthly. Otherwise, text/call regularly.

Ick. As a bio mom, I would hate it if my kids bio dad sent presents monthly. It smacks of the circus dad phenomenon. No need for presents. Just send cards, pics, share videos of the baby so they can feel like they know him/her regularly. Make sure these come from Dad and not step-mom, otherwise it also smacks of Dad not caring and step-mom trying to fill his void.

Even more important than "letting them know I'm really excited for them to get to know the baby" is letting them know you're really excited to build your relationship with them as individuals, not just as step-siblings to your baby. Calls every week or more often, asking what they're doing, about friends, school projects and grades, etc.

Also make sure that there is plenty of alone time with Dad when they visit and it's not all about the baby. They don't need to feel like the baby sucks all the oxygen out of the room.

Try and think of special things you can do with them while the baby is napping or in bed for the evening. Get a sitter for the baby so the rest of you can go out together sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We send cards twice a month and presents monthly. Otherwise, text/call regularly.

Ick. As a bio mom, I would hate it if my kids bio dad sent presents monthly. It smacks of the circus dad phenomenon. No need for presents. Just send cards, pics, share videos of the baby so they can feel like they know him/her regularly. Make sure these come from Dad and not step-mom, otherwise it also smacks of Dad not caring and step-mom trying to fill his void.

Even more important than "letting them know I'm really excited for them to get to know the baby" is letting them know you're really excited to build your relationship with them as individuals, not just as step-siblings to your baby. Calls every week or more often, asking what they're doing, about friends, school projects and grades, etc.

Also make sure that there is plenty of alone time with Dad when they visit and it's not all about the baby. They don't need to feel like the baby sucks all the oxygen out of the room.

Try and think of special things you can do with them while the baby is napping or in bed for the evening. Get a sitter for the baby so the rest of you can go out together sometimes.

Mom does not give me most of them but she, like you sound, do not support the relationship. If mom supports the relationship, op and her husband would be allowed to see the kids more than twice a year. Let me guess, you do not want gifts as you'd rather call demanding more money and then take credit for buying the kids the things, even though it was dads money.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure how much YOU can do, but you can support and encourage you spouse to leave Skype videos for them regularly, to ask them what kinds of things they'd enjoy doing when they come out over the summer, and updating them on the little things in his life. He can and should ask them about their activities and the things they like/enjoy.

The more he can have a relationship that is not mediated by XW, the more likely they are to value and appreciate his awareness and efforts of their lives.

I also think that you may all want to think about ways to make the summer fun for them. As crazy as it sounds, would it make a difference to plan a trip? Join a pool for them? Could you encourage the teen to bring a friend? The more you can do to make them excited to see you both, the more likely it is that they will grow closer to you and the new baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We send cards twice a month and presents monthly. Otherwise, text/call regularly.

Ick. As a bio mom, I would hate it if my kids bio dad sent presents monthly. It smacks of the circus dad phenomenon. No need for presents. Just send cards, pics, share videos of the baby so they can feel like they know him/her regularly. Make sure these come from Dad and not step-mom, otherwise it also smacks of Dad not caring and step-mom trying to fill his void.

Even more important than "letting them know I'm really excited for them to get to know the baby" is letting them know you're really excited to build your relationship with them as individuals, not just as step-siblings to your baby. Calls every week or more often, asking what they're doing, about friends, school projects and grades, etc.

Also make sure that there is plenty of alone time with Dad when they visit and it's not all about the baby. They don't need to feel like the baby sucks all the oxygen out of the room.

Try and think of special things you can do with them while the baby is napping or in bed for the evening. Get a sitter for the baby so the rest of you can go out together sometimes.

Mom does not give me most of them but she, like you sound, do not support the relationship. If mom supports the relationship, op and her husband would be allowed to see the kids more than twice a year. Let me guess, you do not want gifts as you'd rather call demanding more money and then take credit for buying the kids the things, even though it was dads money.

I'm confused by what you mean -- "mom does not give me most of them"? whose mom doesn't give you what? And "doesn't support the relationship"? which relationship do you mean -- the one between the kids and the father or the one between the new wife and children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We send cards twice a month and presents monthly. Otherwise, text/call regularly.

Ick. As a bio mom, I would hate it if my kids bio dad sent presents monthly. It smacks of the circus dad phenomenon. No need for presents. Just send cards, pics, share videos of the baby so they can feel like they know him/her regularly. Make sure these come from Dad and not step-mom, otherwise it also smacks of Dad not caring and step-mom trying to fill his void.

Even more important than "letting them know I'm really excited for them to get to know the baby" is letting them know you're really excited to build your relationship with them as individuals, not just as step-siblings to your baby. Calls every week or more often, asking what they're doing, about friends, school projects and grades, etc.

Also make sure that there is plenty of alone time with Dad when they visit and it's not all about the baby. They don't need to feel like the baby sucks all the oxygen out of the room.

Try and think of special things you can do with them while the baby is napping or in bed for the evening. Get a sitter for the baby so the rest of you can go out together sometimes.

Mom does not give me most of them but she, like you sound, do not support the relationship. If mom supports the relationship, op and her husband would be allowed to see the kids more than twice a year. Let me guess, you do not want gifts as you'd rather call demanding more money and then take credit for buying the kids the things, even though it was dads money.

I'm confused by what you mean -- "mom does not give me most of them"? whose mom doesn't give you what? And "doesn't support the relationship"? which relationship do you mean -- the one between the kids and the father or the one between the new wife and children?

Mom does not usually give them cards or presents and trashes it all. She only wants money directly to her. The relationship between dad and kids.

[Anonymous]

We sent cards and signed the baby's name. Really, just a card every other week was plenty. I strongly encouraged DH to resist the urge to be the Disney Dad and he has.

[Anonymous]

Give them back their dad

[Anonymous]

Congratulations, OP on the baby. I'm glad that you want to make the step kids feel wanted. It's so refreshing.

You, dad and baby can Skype and email. Get their input on things they'd like to do. You can send cards from the both of you.

Make sure pictures of them are hanging in your house b/f they arrive for the summer. Get a family portrait with all the children when they come this summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give them back their dad

You are an ASSHOLE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can I make them feel special and let them know I miss them and am really excited for them to get to know baby.

These first two things (making them feel special and showing them that you miss them) seem to be the key, rather than trying to build a sibling relationship at this stage. Are THEY excited about the baby? If they're ambivalent about having a much-younger sibling (which many kids would be at this age), then I wouldn't push the relationship on them, and I wouldn't go too far in trying to share baby news with them. Instead, focus on them and what's new in their lives.

When a good friend was a tween/teen, his dad remarried and they had a baby. His stepmom was kind to him--a positive presence in a difficult stage of life, helping boost his self-esteem. But things with his dad worsened. Suddenly, a rocky parent-child relationship to begin with became harder, because now everything was about the baby. I think my friend just wanted to have time with his dad again, honestly.

[Anonymous]

+1. OP, it's nice that you care. Expect that this may be a bumpy ride. The baby really does mean their dad has less time and energy for them. It may be very difficult for them to see their dad doting on another child when they have very little dad in their lives. So don't expect them to be super happy or even care about the baby much at all. If they are neutral, that is a win.

Be sure not to make the visit all about the baby. If this is your first, it will be hard to understand that not everyone is as over-the-moon as you are. Plan activities that are of interest to them, and focus on knowing them as individuals, not just in their capacity as siblings.

[Anonymous]

+1. OP, it may be really tough for them to see another child having a much happier childhood than they did, with more dad attention than they will ever get. Especially if it means their already-meager slice of dad attention will be further reduced. Yes, I know, it's always the ex-wife's fault, but that's beside the point. Bottom line, the kids aren't getting enough dad and it will be very hard for them to get even less. Try to be understanding of this. Sparks may fly. Give them plenty of time with their dad, and stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

I had a half-sister and wanted absolutely nothing to do with her as it was obvious that my father preferred her to me. Loathed step mother. Leave them alone. You broke up their parents, in their minds at least.

Why should they want anything to do with you or your kid?