I'm an African American. Ask me anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about seeing me (AA female) with my husband (WM)? I seem to get the most hostility from other AA...

AA woman here.

It depends. Some black women that I know who are married to white men are bourgeois and I usually don't like to be associated with bourgeois people. These same women have the "I was good enough to get a white man" vibe that comes off as a bit smug and superior.

If you're cool and down to earth, I'm happy if you're happy!! And also a little curious...A few of my friends have been trying to broaden their dating pool, but it's been tough.

-Where did you meet your husband?
-I somehow have this impression that white men are romantic. Is this true?

not the PP you quoted but I met my husband at starbucks, I don't even drink their over-priced coffee but I like the little snacks they have. Popped in one day, DH was ordering coffee, struck up a conversation, 5 years and 2 DCs later, here we are.

I have witnessed that smug vibe you describe though from some AA women in interracial marriages, I never looked at the white man or any man for that matter as some kind of trophy.

My husband is romantic when it suits him and even then, m'eh.

[Anonymous]

What do you think of AA organizations like the Links and Jack and Jill?

[Anonymous]

NP here. I would love to hear your take on this (either OP and/or AA women who have chimed in). I will never forget this. For years my best friend was a black girl. She was beautiful, and she happened to be a child model. She had straight hair and did not look like the other black girls in our school. There were other black girls in our school who were prettier, it just so happens they were not models.

We all hung out together, singing, dancing and having fun like children (girls) do.

When I was temporarily (thankfully) seriously ill, the other black girls told her not to be my friend. They went on to explain slavery to us (we were young enough to reasonably not be expected to know), telling us slavery is one of the reasons we should not be friends. So, after years of being friends, it pretty much stopped abruptly. No more sleepovers, no more lunch/recess whatever elementary aged girls do together. We were like sisters, so this many decades later, I still remember it.

I don't really know why I am mentioning it, except to say that it hurt. Clearly it has nothing to do with you, I realize. I am a WF.

I always felt my friend wasn't really accepted by the other black girls. I think she felt that way too. Anyway, thanks for listening. I would like to think this is not the norm.

Did anyone run into this in their younger days? I suppose the question is, to be friends with "your own", so to speak? maybe it happened to be a different time (hopefully). This was way, way, way before straightening hair was commonly accepted and/or practiced amongst BFs - which is why I brought up her hair straightening.

Anyway, I hope this comes across as the genuine curiosity it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I agree. As an honor roll student, I was not teased. I also was and also continue to be down to earth and gregarious.

The only was I could have fit in would have been to get knocked up, speak broken English, and gleefully talk about the Ds and Fs on my report card.

If that's being "down to earth," then no, I wasn't.

Things are different in different areas.

I think someone mentioned unthread that bougie blacks were singled out, not necessarily smart blacks. I think you just proved the point. The honor roll students probably avoided you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you hit/beat your kids in public and say cruel things to them?

I don't spank my children in public nor do I say cruel things. I cringe when I see this and it breaks my heart to see kids treated badly.

I will use a loud tone if they are doing something inappropriate, but generally, my children are well behaved in public. The 3 y/o is a work in progress and it's because of her that we don't frequent movie theaters right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you think of AA organizations like the Links and Jack and Jill?

Never heard of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I would love to hear your take on this (either OP and/or AA women who have chimed in). I will never forget this. For years my best friend was a black girl. She was beautiful, and she happened to be a child model. She had straight hair and did not look like the other black girls in our school. There were other black girls in our school who were prettier, it just so happens they were not models.

We all hung out together, singing, dancing and having fun like children (girls) do.

When I was temporarily (thankfully) seriously ill, the other black girls told her not to be my friend. They went on to explain slavery to us (we were young enough to reasonably not be expected to know), telling us slavery is one of the reasons we should not be friends. So, after years of being friends, it pretty much stopped abruptly. No more sleepovers, no more lunch/recess whatever elementary aged girls do together. We were like sisters, so this many decades later, I still remember it.

I don't really know why I am mentioning it, except to say that it hurt. Clearly it has nothing to do with you, I realize. I am a WF.

I always felt my friend wasn't really accepted by the other black girls. I think she felt that way too. Anyway, thanks for listening. I would like to think this is not the norm.

Did anyone run into this in their younger days? I suppose the question is, to be friends with "your own", so to speak? maybe it happened to be a different time (hopefully). This was way, way, way before straightening hair was commonly accepted and/or practiced amongst BFs - which is why I brought up her hair straightening.

Anyway, I hope this comes across as the genuine curiosity it is.

OP,

I'm sorry you experienced this loss of friendship. Unfortunately, the history of blacks/white in this country are not pretty and it's difficult for young children to separate past whites from today's whites. They lack the intellectual maturity to realize that you are not to blame. These girls saw you as white and therefore the enemy.

I'm sorry that this happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I agree. As an honor roll student, I was not teased. I also was and also continue to be down to earth and gregarious.

The only was I could have fit in would have been to get knocked up, speak broken English, and gleefully talk about the Ds and Fs on my report card.

If that's being "down to earth," then no, I wasn't.

Things are different in different areas.

I think someone mentioned unthread that bougie blacks were singled out, not necessarily smart blacks. I think you just proved the point. The honor roll students probably avoided you.

Nope, actually the black honor rolls student were my closest friends.

It's interesting and sad that even adults use the blanket term of "bougie" for anyone who doesn't fit into their narrow definition of "down to earth."

This is what most of the girls at my school were like-
http://m.worldstarhiphop.com/video.php?v=wshhO1U0i6KH9z41VZ9G

You really think anyone who's teased for not acting like that must be stuck-up and bougie? If so, I'll gladly wear those labels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"BTW, in case you didn't know not all white people are ambitious and there are plenty of black people that are more ambitious than whites. "

I think the average middle class white person is more ambitious than the average middle class black person, but I'd like to understand why.

Well, I know a hell of a lot of white women who either are or desperately want to be stay at home moms. I don't know a single black stay at home mom among my middle/upper middle class friends. The black women I know - we work hard.

I'm AA and SAHM, married to AA. I have a graduate degree and worked for over 10 years before deciding to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I agree. As an honor roll student, I was not teased. I also was and also continue to be down to earth and gregarious.

The only was I could have fit in would have been to get knocked up, speak broken English, and gleefully talk about the Ds and Fs on my report card.

If that's being "down to earth," then no, I wasn't.

Things are different in different areas.

I think someone mentioned unthread that bougie blacks were singled out, not necessarily smart blacks. I think you just proved the point. The honor roll students probably avoided you.

Nope, actually the black honor rolls student were my closest friends.

It's interesting and sad that even adults use the blanket term of "bougie" for anyone who doesn't fit into their narrow definition of "down to earth."

This is what most of the girls at my school were like-
http://m.worldstarhiphop.com/video.php?v=wshhO1U0i6KH9z41VZ9G

You really think anyone who's teased for not acting like that must be stuck-up and bougie? If so, I'll gladly wear those labels.

Not the pp you are responding to but:

No...they could also just be dorky. You say you were teased for being smart, I say I wasn't teased and I was smart. Whose reality is right? Should we now think about the circumstances which might have caused the bullying? Most of the time I didn't even know the grades of other students, so unless you stood out as a geek/nerd, how would anyone know? I was outgoing, had tons of friends, was popular, etc......I don't think anyone ever asked me about what my grades were and I certainly was teased about my "smartness".

Whether you know it or not, you're coming off as acting really superior. And if you don't know it, then you might not even realize that you were giving off these vibes.

BTW, lots of nerds and geeks of all races are teased...I'd say white kids probably have it worse. Sadly, some even resort to deadly means for revenge. Why do you think the white nerds/geeks are teased? Are they acting white? Uhmmmm...could it just be that they're dorky and as such are perceived as weak and/or deserving of ridicule?

[Anonymous]

I never denied that some kids are just picked on for being dorky. I actually stated that of course, social dynamics differ from school to school and area to area, so what was true for me won't be true for others, and vice versa. It was others PPs who denied my statements, saying that it was all/mostly due to being perceived as nerdy or bourgeois.

I will add that many of my friends/family members who attended all/predominantly-black schools didn't have this problem as frequently, because there was a wider range of possible black identities presented. My school was mixed, but blacks were underrepresented in the honors and advanced classes. The few academically successful blacks were made fun of by the majority.

But of y'all want to continue insisting that slurs of "acting white" are only becuase of dorkiness or stuck-up behavior (which, as a sidenote, is a problematic charge in itself because what qualifies as stuck-up to some is often related to what in reality is introversion or simply based on phenotype...) and denying the existence of the widely-recognized phenomenon, keep on, DCUM sociologists.

http://www.economics.harvard.edu/faculty/fryer/files/aw_ednext.pdf
 http://madamenoire.com/42302/acting-white-is-the-new-black/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never denied that some kids are just picked on for being dorky. I actually stated that of course, social dynamics differ from school to school and area to area, so what was true for me won't be true for others, and vice versa. It was others PPs who denied my statements, saying that it was all/mostly due to being perceived as nerdy or bourgeois.

I will add that many of my friends/family members who attended all/predominantly-black schools didn't have this problem as frequently, because there was a wider range of possible black identities presented. My school was mixed, but blacks were underrepresented in the honors and advanced classes. The few academically successful blacks were made fun of by the majority.

But of y'all want to continue insisting that slurs of "acting white" are only becuase of dorkiness or stuck-up behavior (which, as a sidenote, is a problematic charge in itself because what qualifies as stuck-up to some is often related to what in reality is introversion or simply based on phenotype...) and denying the existence of the widely-recognized phenomenon, keep on, DCUM sociologists.

http://www.economics.harvard.edu/faculty/fryer/files/aw_ednext.pdf
 http://madamenoire.com/42302/acting-white-is-the-new-black/

I don't think it was your experience that turned people off, but rather the disdain you had towards these other kids. Was just pointing out that they probably picked up on this "elitism" and reacted negatively. Not saying bullying is ever okay....Hope you are past this now.

[Anonymous]

Why do many teenage AAs make a show of being in a bookstore (maybe not much longer seeing how many are closing)? Is this something similar to how some attractive people feel the need to prove their intelligence?

[Anonymous]

I have two questions...

1. How do distinguish between rude, dismissive behavior and rude, dismissive behavior that is racist? If there is no overt mention of race or race related issues, how do you know that the negative behavior is due to race and not that that person would have been negative to anyone.

2. I only have one close friend who is black. She is the one who stereotypes black people all the time as in she says...Black women don't do...We're black, we do.... She obviously has ideas that she thinks are shared by the black community or by black women etc... Is this type of stereotyping as bad as others stereotyping a race?

[Anonymous]

Is going to college and having a college degree akin to having the latest and most expensive basketball shoes, jackets and cell phones for AAs? Is there a sense of entitlement to higher education and it is pursued more because it had been out of reach for many in the past than for educational interest and advancement?