How many women here divorced primarily due to imbalanced, unsustainable home workload?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

Some women want careers for reasons other than money, and who wants to be beholden financially to a spouse? It’s 2025.

You seem to be very confused about what marriage is. Marriage is mainly a social and legal contract for kids, family, legal status and finances.

Live together without marriage. You will not be beholden financially to the partner. Why marry?

Similarly, there is zero reason for most people to have kids. You can have a wonderful life as a childless person.

Good for those women who wanted careers for reasons other than money. I was not a doctor saving lives. I was basically working in corporate America and I was working for money. I am sure most women and men in this country will quit in a second if they win several millions in a lottery.

What I find very interesting is that all the women who want careers for reasons other than money are usually moms with children. And the reason they want careers for reasons other than money is that they can't stand looking after their kids.
Even the title of this thread is probably talking about married moms, rather than married women who are in DINK relationships.

See I think that whole screed was written by the woman’s husband anyway. Either way, this person has some heavy duty internalized misogyny. And this gem: “The reason they want careeers for reasons other than money is that they can’t stand looking after their kids.” At the very least, this latest post means you chose the wrong profession. AND if you are a woman, you married your husband because he had a few million as you equated it to winning the lottery.
- working mom who teachers prek in a public school (I love my job AND being home with my own kids). I would cut back on hours and work in a private preschool, but not quit working if I won the lottery.

Not the PP you are responding to, but you obviously enjoy your job. Most people don't. It's just that most people need to work to live. Your post also makes clear that you would like to work less to spend more time with your kids, but you don't because you need the money. But there are tons of people in this thread who would have more than enough to for one parent to stop working, and yet the parents keep working full time. It really strikes me that these people would rather have more money than more time together as a family. That is sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m about to. We had a talk about it last night and H threw a fit saying I don’t appreciate the one time he cleaned up the yard.

Then I went to empty the dishwasher and he goes “why are you doing that??” Uh, because the dishes need to be unloaded and no one else will do it? Which p!ssed him off, he told me to get out of the kitchen, and made a huge deal by spending two hours cleaning the kitchen down to every last detail to prove I’m not the martyr I think I am.

UGH.

PP who quit. My DH used to do things exactly like this. He also would accuse me of doing make-work that even he acknowledges today were necessary kid tasks.

In my case I can say now he really *couldn’t* do more at home given the weight of his professional load. I grew up middle class and was really resistant to hiring out the level of stuff we needed to. He grew up UMC and didn’t understand why I was reacting like that. But even for things that just could not be outsourced, I think he got very defensive about it and refused to open his eyes to the reality of 1) how much life stuff just cannot be outsourced 2) how much I was doing. Because if he really saw it, he’d have to admit it was deeply unfair and accept that he was the bad guy in the dynamic, which is a big blow to anyone’s ego. If that’s what you have to convince your spouse of, that they are treating you very unfairly (and in my case that was also hobbling my career which I was just as ambitious about as him) well, that’s just a big pill to swallow.

So he was very professionally busy and offered up the solution of hiring stuff out and you resisted? And still complained about the workload?

Right? Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m about to. We had a talk about it last night and H threw a fit saying I don’t appreciate the one time he cleaned up the yard.

Then I went to empty the dishwasher and he goes “why are you doing that??” Uh, because the dishes need to be unloaded and no one else will do it? Which p!ssed him off, he told me to get out of the kitchen, and made a huge deal by spending two hours cleaning the kitchen down to every last detail to prove I’m not the martyr I think I am.

UGH.

PP who quit. My DH used to do things exactly like this. He also would accuse me of doing make-work that even he acknowledges today were necessary kid tasks.

In my case I can say now he really *couldn’t* do more at home given the weight of his professional load. I grew up middle class and was really resistant to hiring out the level of stuff we needed to. He grew up UMC and didn’t understand why I was reacting like that. But even for things that just could not be outsourced, I think he got very defensive about it and refused to open his eyes to the reality of 1) how much life stuff just cannot be outsourced 2) how much I was doing. Because if he really saw it, he’d have to admit it was deeply unfair and accept that he was the bad guy in the dynamic, which is a big blow to anyone’s ego. If that’s what you have to convince your spouse of, that they are treating you very unfairly (and in my case that was also hobbling my career which I was just as ambitious about as him) well, that’s just a big pill to swallow.

DP.

I am curious about the things that cannot really be outsourced( other than hugging your kids and having deep conversations with them).

SO much life stuff can be outsourced. PP just wanted to be a martyr and now she's a stay at home one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I quit my job in basically that situation. It came down to one or the other and he was never going to make the professional changes. We were both in biglaw.

I don't get this Biglaw starts at 215k these days. So both of you were making atleast 500k, no.

With 100k in house help, you can pretty much outsource 75% of stuff. Why quit?

See her second post - she didn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

Some women want careers for reasons other than money, and who wants to be beholden financially to a spouse? It’s 2025.

You seem to be very confused about what marriage is. Marriage is mainly a social and legal contract for kids, family, legal status and finances.

Live together without marriage. You will not be beholden financially to the partner. Why marry?

Similarly, there is zero reason for most people to have kids. You can have a wonderful life as a childless person.

Good for those women who wanted careers for reasons other than money. I was not a doctor saving lives. I was basically working in corporate America and I was working for money. I am sure most women and men in this country will quit in a second if they win several millions in a lottery.

What I find very interesting is that all the women who want careers for reasons other than money are usually moms with children. And the reason they want careers for reasons other than money is that they can't stand looking after their kids.
Even the title of this thread is probably talking about married moms, rather than married women who are in DINK relationships.

See I think that whole screed was written by the woman’s husband anyway. Either way, this person has some heavy duty internalized misogyny. And this gem: “The reason they want careeers for reasons other than money is that they can’t stand looking after their kids.” At the very least, this latest post means you chose the wrong profession. AND if you are a woman, you married your husband because he had a few million as you equated it to winning the lottery.
- working mom who teachers prek in a public school (I love my job AND being home with my own kids). I would cut back on hours and work in a private preschool, but not quit working if I won the lottery.

Not the PP you are responding to, but you obviously enjoy your job. Most people don't. It's just that most people need to work to live. Your post also makes clear that you would like to work less to spend more time with your kids, but you don't because you need the money. But there are tons of people in this thread who would have more than enough to for one parent to stop working, and yet the parents keep working full time. It really strikes me that these people would rather have more money than more time together as a family. That is sad.

Most of us whohave more than enough for one parent to stop working don't work "full time" in the traditional sense. For example, DH is playing 18 holes one day this week. Today, I worked from 5-7 am, fed kids and got them off to camps from 7-9 am. I worked a few more hours before my afternoon pilates camp, and then we'll have dinner together as a family tonight. The more you have, the less you work. You certainly don't have to sit in an office from 9-5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really getting a sense of how these marriages, especially long term ones, evolved from what originally were satisfactory relationships into intolerable ones. All these posts are pretty much "I've been married for 10 15 or 20 years" to this guy who is useless around the house, doesn't meet my expectations, and never did.

The wives seem to be saying that not only do they place a very high priority on having a very clean and organized home and.family life. It has to be clean and organized in a particular often idiosyncratic way. The husband is also required to share that same sense of priority. Further, the wife's expectation seems to be that the husband must contribute exactly the same level of effort, passion and commitment as the wife determines is required.

It's almost as if all these expectations were created by attending some kind of women's study classes in college, or discussions with third wave feminists, or assumed as the default, but we're never actually discussed, much less negotiated, with their husbands at any stage of the relationships. No, demands aren't negotiations or discussions.

Everyone is entitled to set priorities as they see fit. However, it is unrealistic to assume your partner will have the same priorities or the same investment in fulfilling them.

Basically the job, whatever it is, belongs to the person who cares the most about it. Getting angry that your spouse simply doesn't care as much as you think he should about living in a dirty house is not only unrealistic, it misunderstands the real issue, which in all these cases seems to be about the frustrated spouses sense of lack of ability to control her lazy spouses behaviors. Well that's not something you are ever going to be able to do. And you shouldn't be angry about it. The answer to a spouse who won't clean the house isn't to get divorced, it's to clean it.yourself or hire it out. Don't pretend you were unaware he was a slob when you married him. You married him for other reasons and you know it.

Why do you think marriages were satisfactory? My grandmother was miserable and had a massive anxiety problem because of the demands placed on her, but it was a time when there were zero other options for women.

Women have options now and can demand better.

I expect that my H will prioritize our marriage and family above everything else. And that means being a fully functioning partner, and maintaining a minimum of the same standard he holds himself to at work. If, at work, he is able to accomplish tasks on time and to completion, not pawn his work off on anyone else, and clean up after himself, I expect the same behavior at home. To do any less is a clear message that he respects and values his colleagues more than his family, and that is not acceptable to me.

I do not believe the job belong to whoever “cares” about it. It’s not about caring about the dishes. It’s about caring for your partner and your family, and wanting to do the absolute best by them.

People who do not hold themselves to this standard, who cannot treat their family with value and respect, should not get married nor have children. No one is forcing these men to get married, and if they prefer to be selfish and think only of themselves, they are free to remain single.

While I agree with you, many times it does boil down to one partner "caring" sooner about something. The dishes will eventually bother my husband, just not as soon as they bother me. He rejects my assertion they need to be done after every meal.

Your assertion is literally false. Dishes don't need to be done after every meal. You want them done after every meal, but it is clearly not a necessity. No wonder you are having issues with this stuff.

So did you discuss all these.things before marriage? Did you screen potential husband's for diligence and responsibility in terms of doing housework?

How often is doing dishes a necessity? Does it depend on when you can see bugs crawling in the sink, or is it more that you only have to do dishes once you run out?

Well the food dries and sticks in overnight and the smell sinks in whiting a day. But keep letting it pile up. After all, watching tv is a great source of pride and reward for having such a productive day and adult habits. Definitely watch tv instead.

You're missing the point made above - it's not about caring about the dishes, it's about caring about your spouse. If my spouse or I wanted the dishes done every night before bed, the other one would facilitate that, whether it was doing the dishes or doing something else so they had time to do the dishes. Obviously there are extremes, like if my spouse wanted to baseboards scrubbed every night before bed I would say well that's on you, but dishes (1) aren't hard to do and (2) are a basic level of cleanliness, not some extreme standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

Some women want careers for reasons other than money, and who wants to be beholden financially to a spouse? It’s 2025.

You seem to be very confused about what marriage is. Marriage is mainly a social and legal contract for kids, family, legal status and finances.

Live together without marriage. You will not be beholden financially to the partner. Why marry?

Similarly, there is zero reason for most people to have kids. You can have a wonderful life as a childless person.

Good for those women who wanted careers for reasons other than money. I was not a doctor saving lives. I was basically working in corporate America and I was working for money. I am sure most women and men in this country will quit in a second if they win several millions in a lottery.

What I find very interesting is that all the women who want careers for reasons other than money are usually moms with children. And the reason they want careers for reasons other than money is that they can't stand looking after their kids.
Even the title of this thread is probably talking about married moms, rather than married women who are in DINK relationships.

See I think that whole screed was written by the woman’s husband anyway. Either way, this person has some heavy duty internalized misogyny. And this gem: “The reason they want careeers for reasons other than money is that they can’t stand looking after their kids.” At the very least, this latest post means you chose the wrong profession. AND if you are a woman, you married your husband because he had a few million as you equated it to winning the lottery.
- working mom who teachers prek in a public school (I love my job AND being home with my own kids). I would cut back on hours and work in a private preschool, but not quit working if I won the lottery.

Not the PP you are responding to, but you obviously enjoy your job. Most people don't. It's just that most people need to work to live. Your post also makes clear that you would like to work less to spend more time with your kids, but you don't because you need the money. But there are tons of people in this thread who would have more than enough to for one parent to stop working, and yet the parents keep working full time. It really strikes me that these people would rather have more money than more time together as a family. That is sad.

Most of us whohave more than enough for one parent to stop working don't work "full time" in the traditional sense. For example, DH is playing 18 holes one day this week. Today, I worked from 5-7 am, fed kids and got them off to camps from 7-9 am. I worked a few more hours before my afternoon pilates camp, and then we'll have dinner together as a family tonight. The more you have, the less you work. You certainly don't have to sit in an office from 9-5.

That's certainly my experience, but are you still sending your kids to camps all/most of the summer? That's childcare so that you can work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

Some women want careers for reasons other than money, and who wants to be beholden financially to a spouse? It’s 2025.

You seem to be very confused about what marriage is. Marriage is mainly a social and legal contract for kids, family, legal status and finances.

Live together without marriage. You will not be beholden financially to the partner. Why marry?

Similarly, there is zero reason for most people to have kids. You can have a wonderful life as a childless person.

Good for those women who wanted careers for reasons other than money. I was not a doctor saving lives. I was basically working in corporate America and I was working for money. I am sure most women and men in this country will quit in a second if they win several millions in a lottery.

What I find very interesting is that all the women who want careers for reasons other than money are usually moms with children. And the reason they want careers for reasons other than money is that they can't stand looking after their kids.
Even the title of this thread is probably talking about married moms, rather than married women who are in DINK relationships.

See I think that whole screed was written by the woman’s husband anyway. Either way, this person has some heavy duty internalized misogyny. And this gem: “The reason they want careeers for reasons other than money is that they can’t stand looking after their kids.” At the very least, this latest post means you chose the wrong profession. AND if you are a woman, you married your husband because he had a few million as you equated it to winning the lottery.
- working mom who teachers prek in a public school (I love my job AND being home with my own kids). I would cut back on hours and work in a private preschool, but not quit working if I won the lottery.

Not the PP you are responding to, but you obviously enjoy your job. Most people don't. It's just that most people need to work to live. Your post also makes clear that you would like to work less to spend more time with your kids, but you don't because you need the money. But there are tons of people in this thread who would have more than enough to for one parent to stop working, and yet the parents keep working full time. It really strikes me that these people would rather have more money than more time together as a family. That is sad.

Don't worry, no one cares that you're sad for them.

Some of us can work and be involved parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

Some women want careers for reasons other than money, and who wants to be beholden financially to a spouse? It’s 2025.

You seem to be very confused about what marriage is. Marriage is mainly a social and legal contract for kids, family, legal status and finances.

Live together without marriage. You will not be beholden financially to the partner. Why marry?

Similarly, there is zero reason for most people to have kids. You can have a wonderful life as a childless person.

Good for those women who wanted careers for reasons other than money. I was not a doctor saving lives. I was basically working in corporate America and I was working for money. I am sure most women and men in this country will quit in a second if they win several millions in a lottery.

What I find very interesting is that all the women who want careers for reasons other than money are usually moms with children. And the reason they want careers for reasons other than money is that they can't stand looking after their kids.
Even the title of this thread is probably talking about married moms, rather than married women who are in DINK relationships.

See I think that whole screed was written by the woman’s husband anyway. Either way, this person has some heavy duty internalized misogyny. And this gem: “The reason they want careeers for reasons other than money is that they can’t stand looking after their kids.” At the very least, this latest post means you chose the wrong profession. AND if you are a woman, you married your husband because he had a few million as you equated it to winning the lottery.
- working mom who teachers prek in a public school (I love my job AND being home with my own kids). I would cut back on hours and work in a private preschool, but not quit working if I won the lottery.

Not the PP you are responding to, but you obviously enjoy your job. Most people don't. It's just that most people need to work to live. Your post also makes clear that you would like to work less to spend more time with your kids, but you don't because you need the money. But there are tons of people in this thread who would have more than enough to for one parent to stop working, and yet the parents keep working full time. It really strikes me that these people would rather have more money than more time together as a family. That is sad.

Most of us whohave more than enough for one parent to stop working don't work "full time" in the traditional sense. For example, DH is playing 18 holes one day this week. Today, I worked from 5-7 am, fed kids and got them off to camps from 7-9 am. I worked a few more hours before my afternoon pilates camp, and then we'll have dinner together as a family tonight. The more you have, the less you work. You certainly don't have to sit in an office from 9-5.

That's certainly my experience, but are you still sending your kids to camps all/most of the summer? That's childcare so that you can work.

They would be doing summer enrichment camps even if we didn't work. Half the kids there have a SAHM dropping them off.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, the stories on this thread are so depressing. I have a husband who does his half, and yes, I would absolutely divorce if that wasn't the case. I'm already three people's mommies, and I'm not willing to also be mommy to a grown man - I would be resentful as all get out. A big imbalance in the home workload means I'd have way less free time, spend my time doing a bunch of sh*t that sucks (I mean, no one likes doing dishes or cleaning out the cat box!), plus I'd have a spouse that didn't care enough to fix those problems. I'd be busy, resentful, feel unloved (acts of service is also my love language), lose respect for him... there's no way our marriage would survive that.

My condolences to those that are in this situation. I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wasn't the home workload. I dated several weirdos with mental problems or SN. At some point, the SN gets to be too much if I don't even know what it is.
I know more men with problems than without. It was not easy to escape them.

For me it was both: mental load and housework load- he was another child and constant setbacks- PLUS his diagnosed but unmanaged mental disorders. It looked and felt like narcissism too.

Despite his “good job” - which took advantage of him for years of driving growth but same income and low ownership- he is not marriage nor parent material.

I filed and left after last child’s HS graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best decision I made in our marriage was to stay at home starting when our first of three was born. I saw the way things were going fairly early on and recognized that although I could “have it all” with a career - it was going to come at a cost trying to balance everything. Still happily married nearly 20 years later.

It only works if you don't value having a career. I do, so I didn't quit. I just didn't do things on the second shift that had no value to me, and outsourced a lot. Of course, I did only have two children, which helps a lot with domestic workload.

It only works if your Paycheck Provider spouse is grateful and thankful for you doing everything on the homefront so he can mainly focus on his job and career, and saying HI to the kids when convenient.

+1

The SAHP must be appreciated and respected by the working parent. Not the opposite and get neglected, dumped on, blamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m about to. We had a talk about it last night and H threw a fit saying I don’t appreciate the one time he cleaned up the yard.

Then I went to empty the dishwasher and he goes “why are you doing that??” Uh, because the dishes need to be unloaded and no one else will do it? Which p!ssed him off, he told me to get out of the kitchen, and made a huge deal by spending two hours cleaning the kitchen down to every last detail to prove I’m not the martyr I think I am.

UGH.

PP who quit. My DH used to do things exactly like this. He also would accuse me of doing make-work that even he acknowledges today were necessary kid tasks.

In my case I can say now he really *couldn’t* do more at home given the weight of his professional load. I grew up middle class and was really resistant to hiring out the level of stuff we needed to. He grew up UMC and didn’t understand why I was reacting like that. But even for things that just could not be outsourced, I think he got very defensive about it and refused to open his eyes to the reality of 1) how much life stuff just cannot be outsourced 2) how much I was doing. Because if he really saw it, he’d have to admit it was deeply unfair and accept that he was the bad guy in the dynamic, which is a big blow to anyone’s ego. If that’s what you have to convince your spouse of, that they are treating you very unfairly (and in my case that was also hobbling my career which I was just as ambitious about as him) well, that’s just a big pill to swallow.

DP.

I am curious about the things that cannot really be outsourced( other than hugging your kids and having deep conversations with them).

SO much life stuff can be outsourced. PP just wanted to be a martyr and now she's a stay at home one.

I know! Why does Mr Brains & Money hire a bunch of staff and manage them. Or just hire them and let them figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m about to. We had a talk about it last night and H threw a fit saying I don’t appreciate the one time he cleaned up the yard.

Then I went to empty the dishwasher and he goes “why are you doing that??” Uh, because the dishes need to be unloaded and no one else will do it? Which p!ssed him off, he told me to get out of the kitchen, and made a huge deal by spending two hours cleaning the kitchen down to every last detail to prove I’m not the martyr I think I am.

UGH.

PP who quit. My DH used to do things exactly like this. He also would accuse me of doing make-work that even he acknowledges today were necessary kid tasks.

In my case I can say now he really *couldn’t* do more at home given the weight of his professional load. I grew up middle class and was really resistant to hiring out the level of stuff we needed to. He grew up UMC and didn’t understand why I was reacting like that. But even for things that just could not be outsourced, I think he got very defensive about it and refused to open his eyes to the reality of 1) how much life stuff just cannot be outsourced 2) how much I was doing. Because if he really saw it, he’d have to admit it was deeply unfair and accept that he was the bad guy in the dynamic, which is a big blow to anyone’s ego. If that’s what you have to convince your spouse of, that they are treating you very unfairly (and in my case that was also hobbling my career which I was just as ambitious about as him) well, that’s just a big pill to swallow.

DP.

I am curious about the things that cannot really be outsourced( other than hugging your kids and having deep conversations with them).

SO much life stuff can be outsourced. PP just wanted to be a martyr and now she's a stay at home one.

First world problem, but managing the help is time-consuming. I spend a lot of time working on directions for our nanny, preparing for our housekeeper, coordinating with our meal service and dry clean pickup/drop off, managing the landscaper, hiring a caterer for a party, organizing home repairs, etc. On top of a full-time job and parenting, it adds up.

[Anonymous]

My wife complained about the inequalities in the work around the house and with the kids. We are both physicians. I was not able or willing to do more with a busy surgery practice. I said either outsource it or stop working. She quit her practice as a pediatrician and our life is much improved. She is much happier and she did what she deep down wanted to do.