How many women here divorced primarily due to imbalanced, unsustainable home workload?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many women here complaining without realizing how they've contributed to the problem. Seriously ask yourself whether your husband really never does anything? Or does he do stuff, and then you criticize the way he did? The last time he folded the laundry, did you b***h at him about not folding shirts in half? Or the last time he made dinner, did you complain about what he made or the ingredients he used? I bet you did, and after a while, the guy just says, forget this, if you want it done your way then you do it.

Being bad at something doesn’t get you off the hook. If your coworker tells you your work sucks, do you just whine that they always complain? Or is that only reserved for your female spouse?

Being an adult is taking feedback about shortcomings and DOING BETTER. Not tossing up your hands and throwing in the towel.

Men need to grow the eff up. Women have jobs and money and can have kids alone.

Agree.
The double standard in effort and response between work and home life is truly astonishing and insulting. It destroys the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How well do you actually know these divorced couples? My SIL and BIL divorced due to addiction and infidelity. A very close friend divorced due to emotional abuse along with husband's ongoing mental health struggles with medication resistant depression. Those are the only two I'm confident in saying why they divorced. I still have two close friends who had low conflict marriages, and I still can't really figure out why they divorced. They say it is due to imbalanced home workload, but these couples both have teens. They are well beyond the heaviest of the workload years.

So what. The deadweight showed his true colors and priorities, and it wasn’t with, kids or the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would rather have a wife than a husband.

- wife

No you wouldn't. Lesbian marriages have the highest divorce rates. You all aren't as easy to get along with as you think you are.

Or perhaps we are easier. I would have divorced long ago if I thought that my husband and I could be friends and amicably co-parent. Maybe lesbians just don’t feel pressured to stay in relationships that aren’t working out. They aren’t afraid their partner is going to be vindictive or lash out against them.

If women are so great, why wouldn't it work out. Gay male marriages have the lowest divorce rates. Maybe everything shouldn't always be the man's fault?

Gay males generally take care of themselves, their space, each other, and their kids.

[Anonymous]

Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would rather have a wife than a husband.

- wife

No you wouldn't. Lesbian marriages have the highest divorce rates. You all aren't as easy to get along with as you think you are.

Or perhaps we are easier. I would have divorced long ago if I thought that my husband and I could be friends and amicably co-parent. Maybe lesbians just don’t feel pressured to stay in relationships that aren’t working out. They aren’t afraid their partner is going to be vindictive or lash out against them.

You are quite off in your assumptions.
-Family lawyer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would rather have a wife than a husband.

- wife

No you wouldn't. Lesbian marriages have the highest divorce rates. You all aren't as easy to get along with as you think you are.

Or perhaps we are easier. I would have divorced long ago if I thought that my husband and I could be friends and amicably co-parent. Maybe lesbians just don’t feel pressured to stay in relationships that aren’t working out. They aren’t afraid their partner is going to be vindictive or lash out against them.

If women are so great, why wouldn't it work out. Gay male marriages have the lowest divorce rates. Maybe everything shouldn't always be the man's fault?

Gay males generally take care of themselves, their space, each other, and their kids.

They also tend to 1. get married later, on average, than any other group and 2. have the most carefully planned families in terms of number and timing of kids, because having kids lengthy and expensive surrogate or adoption processes...with gay males couples, there are no "oops" babies, there are no babies that the parents can't afford, and there is usually a ton of thought given to division of labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

Some women want careers for reasons other than money, and who wants to be beholden financially to a spouse? It’s 2025.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

Some women want careers for reasons other than money, and who wants to be beholden financially to a spouse? It’s 2025.

This. I work even though DH makes 7 figures because I don't want to be financially beholden to him like my mom is to my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I quit my job in basically that situation. It came down to one or the other and he was never going to make the professional changes. We were both in biglaw.

I don't get this Biglaw starts at 215k these days. So both of you were making atleast 500k, no.

With 100k in house help, you can pretty much outsource 75% of stuff. Why quit?

Things you can not outsource:

Mental accounting of you children. So, who reads the school emails and puts the necessary dates in the calendar? Who lines up day camps for the days they are off school? Who notices it's book fair week and puts money in the backpack? Who remembers the 5 year old needs a snack packed EVERY day? Who keeps track of what size clothing each of the kids wears? Who cleans out the drawers? Who buys the new clothes? Who makes sure they fit? Who figures out what to do with outgrown clothing? Who pays attention to summer camp registration? When it that? What weeks are we going on vacation? What week is their favorite camp held that they don't want to miss? When is the sign up for basketball? Do they need a well visit scheduled? Dentist? When was the last time we had a date night, I should book a sitter. Christmas is looming, time to start tracking what things the kids like and would enjoy. Time to book the special events and start planning visits and doing the gift buying.

AND ON AND ON.

You can outsource laundry and cleaning, sure. Food shopping, sort of. Cooking, maybe if you are very rich. But their is day to day minutia of running a house and having children that is NOT outsourceable, that often falls to moms. We are not better at this, but culturally we have been conditioned to do it. I just had a dad this morning, who is a lawyer, tell me he can't keep up with the school emails. It is not that hard to read the school emails! Do you ignore emails from co-workers? No, you read them, pull out what you need and delete. These are the same skills.

If you could outsource all of this, you are acknowledging that doing these things is A JOB, correct? A job that should pay money, right? So why is it only the mom's job? Men are capable, they just opt out. Women are screaming at the top of their lungs that they can't do it all and are desperate for help. And many men (not all!) will go rake the yard and then ask for a pat on the back. Do you see how that didn't address a single piece of the daily minutia?

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

There is something so amazingly obtuse about posters who write a lengthy humblebrag about their life, describe an arguably unlikely Venn diagram of factors (wanted to quit work, DH wanted her to quit work, everyone had enough money, marriage remained intact, no infidelity/addiction/illness/need for second income, DH’s retirement is impending and everyone is still happy, 35 years have passed), and then exasperatingly wonder why others just can’t figure it out. “Staffing problem”, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

Some women want careers for reasons other than money, and who wants to be beholden financially to a spouse? It’s 2025.

You seem to be very confused about what marriage is. Marriage is mainly a social and legal contract for kids, family, legal status and finances.

Live together without marriage. You will not be beholden financially to the partner. Why marry?

Similarly, there is zero reason for most people to have kids. You can have a wonderful life as a childless person.

Good for those women who wanted careers for reasons other than money. I was not a doctor saving lives. I was basically working in corporate America and I was working for money. I am sure most women and men in this country will quit in a second if they win several millions in a lottery.

What I find very interesting is that all the women who want careers for reasons other than money are usually moms with children. And the reason they want careers for reasons other than money is that they can't stand looking after their kids.
Even the title of this thread is probably talking about married moms, rather than married women who are in DINK relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would rather have a wife than a husband.

- wife

No you wouldn't. Lesbian marriages have the highest divorce rates. You all aren't as easy to get along with as you think you are.

Or perhaps we are easier. I would have divorced long ago if I thought that my husband and I could be friends and amicably co-parent. Maybe lesbians just don’t feel pressured to stay in relationships that aren’t working out. They aren’t afraid their partner is going to be vindictive or lash out against them.

If women are so great, why wouldn't it work out. Gay male marriages have the lowest divorce rates. Maybe everything shouldn't always be the man's fault?

Gay males generally take care of themselves, their space, each other, and their kids.

Except when they marry a woman and decide when the kids are in elementary to bail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

Some women want careers for reasons other than money, and who wants to be beholden financially to a spouse? It’s 2025.

You seem to be very confused about what marriage is. Marriage is mainly a social and legal contract for kids, family, legal status and finances.

Live together without marriage. You will not be beholden financially to the partner. Why marry?

Similarly, there is zero reason for most people to have kids. You can have a wonderful life as a childless person.

Good for those women who wanted careers for reasons other than money. I was not a doctor saving lives. I was basically working in corporate America and I was working for money. I am sure most women and men in this country will quit in a second if they win several millions in a lottery.

What I find very interesting is that all the women who want careers for reasons other than money are usually moms with children. And the reason they want careers for reasons other than money is that they can't stand looking after their kids.
Even the title of this thread is probably talking about married moms, rather than married women who are in DINK relationships.

See I think that whole screed was written by the woman’s husband anyway. Either way, this person has some heavy duty internalized misogyny. And this gem: “The reason they want careeers for reasons other than money is that they can’t stand looking after their kids.” At the very least, this latest post means you chose the wrong profession. AND if you are a woman, you married your husband because he had a few million as you equated it to winning the lottery.
- working mom who teachers prek in a public school (I love my job AND being home with my own kids). I would cut back on hours and work in a private preschool, but not quit working if I won the lottery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I was firmly seated on the gravy train by my DH who begged me to quit to be a SAHM. He is a great dad and wanted the very best for our children. Even by outsourcing household work, having a nanny, doing his part, juggling tasks - he knew that our kids were not getting the best.

So, he made sure that I was economically secure forever, we had a whole lot of insurance, and we hired whatever staff we needed, so that I could find it worthwhile to be a SAHM. He has continued to be a very engaged DH and dad even after all that. Yes, we have not earned as much as we could but he is sure having the last laugh among his dual income buddies who are having relationship or parenting issues.

Been married 35 years. I haven't worked for 20 years. Never going back to work. He will retire in 4 more years.

Why divorce over imbalanced home workload? It is a staffing issue, is it not? Not a problem. It is an expense.

Some women want careers for reasons other than money, and who wants to be beholden financially to a spouse? It’s 2025.

This. I work even though DH makes 7 figures because I don't want to be financially beholden to him like my mom is to my dad.

+1

[Anonymous]

Wasn't the home workload. I dated several weirdos with mental problems or SN. At some point, the SN gets to be too much if I don't even know what it is.
I know more men with problems than without. It was no easy to escape them.