Should I Pursue Him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask one of your girlfriends in this group of friends what she thinks. I second the PP who said get drunk, try to kiss him, see what happens, blame the alcohol if he's not interested, stay friends.

These people are freaking 30 + years old. They should be able to handle directly expressing interest in one another and hanging out as friends if it doesn't work out.

Shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask one of your girlfriends in this group of friends what she thinks. I second the PP who said get drunk, try to kiss him, see what happens, blame the alcohol if he's not interested, stay friends.

These people are freaking 30 + years old. They should be able to handle directly expressing interest in one another and hanging out as friends if it doesn't work out.

Shut up.

It's worth repeating

These people are freaking 30 + years old. They should be able to handle directly expressing interest in one another and hanging out as friends if it doesn't work out


Also it's dated to advise people to get drunk and hook up.

[Anonymous]

Ask him out! Your world is not going to end if he says no and if he says yes..............

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him out! Your world is not going to end if he says no and if he says yes..............

This. This is the confidence that 30 something ( should bring) who gives an eff. And if he does start treating you badly consider a good thing you see his true colors and drop him as a friend.

[Anonymous]

If he massaged you for 10 min and it didn’t lead to anything more then he’s not interested. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he massaged you for 10 min and it didn’t lead to anything more then he’s not interested. Sorry.

+1. You’re just someone to fill a void

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a situation like this and made a move and he is now my husband. I knew him well enough then to know he wasn’t the type of guy who perused girls, way too laid back and just kind of clueless. I did it by getting drunk and kissing him. Not very mature, but we were in our 20s and went out drinking a fair amount. I figured if he wasn’t into me, I could sort of blame it on the booze and try to pretend it didn’t happen. I also knew him well enough to know that we wanted the same things in life and he was worth the risk of an awkward friend group. Your guy is fresh off a long term relationship so maybe just looking for a fling. If that’s not what you want, be careful.

Giving you a massage seems like not something people do with people they aren’t attracted to. I would be extra flirty and maybe he will pursue you?

I agree with this PP. My first reaction to him offering a massage is... um yes he is likely into you.

And, my husband is similar to this PP's. I kind of had to initiate the dates. He obviously was really into me, but for some reason was not very adept at just asking me out, setting up a date, etc. So, i ended up making the suggestions. He was so glad. I don't know why some men are like this. He's a manly man, confident, really into me, just not good at making a move. I think it is a bit to do with being careful, not wanting to seem too agressive or sexual. Kind of how you, OP, seem to be overthinking all this. Someone just needs to make a move - you or him.

Oh - and yes I suggested/planned 90% of our dates in the beginning, but he after only our 3rd date said he was "deeply in love" with me, we married 7 months later, and have been married now for 5 years and are expecting baby #3. Just saying that some people still hang on to that "but a man wants to pursue!" idea but obviously, that's not always the case

It's been 5 years. come back and tell us about your deep love and your manly husband in another 5.

I’m the first poster quoted above and what the next poster described fits my relationship exactly. My DH is a stereotypical dude, into sports and beer and sex and successful in his career but not very good at dating. I set up almost all of our dates early on, and he eagerly accepted but never initiated. A lot of friends told me to stop making the first move, let him call me for a change, but I would wait and he wouldn’t call so then I would call him and he was happy to go on another date. We’ve been married 15 years with 3 kids and I still take the lead on a lot of things. Not all men want to be the one to make the first move!

And not all women like to put up with a bum. But hey at least you get to say you have husband right?

I'm the second poster, with DH of 5 years. This 3rd poster is hilarious. 1st PP, I hear you. Your experience sounds very similar to mine. I could tell DH was really sincere, authentic; although I didn't have anyone telling me to not be the one suggesting the dates, in a way I think I even found that refreshing. I had just come from a year of dating several guys who were such players. Guys who'd sweep me off my feet, move too fast, lie, etc... I was getting so tired of that. So finding a man who is loyal, true, smart, adorable, fit... but just isn't adept at asking a girl out explicitly? Big deal. This 3rd PP may be jealous, LOL.

Some girls just have to make a move. I certainly don't regret it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he massaged you for 10 min and it didn’t lead to anything more then he’s not interested. Sorry.

I disagree. Maybe he cares enough about you that he is being extra cautious and wants to make sure his advances would be reciprocated. I'm more surprised YOU didn't make a move. I'm imagining myself alone on a couch with an attractive man I like, massaging me... um pretty sure it would heat up. It would have been a good opportunity for you to say something or do something physical... I mean even comments about how niiiiice that feels or holding onto his hand or knee would be a turn-on to me.

[Anonymous]

Any updates OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be available and make it subtly known you are, but let him pursue. Men like (need) the chase. They are simple beasts when you get down to these details.

Is this 1950? Terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he massaged you for 10 min and it didn’t lead to anything more then he’s not interested. Sorry.

I disagree. Maybe he cares enough about you that he is being extra cautious and wants to make sure his advances would be reciprocated. I'm more surprised YOU didn't make a move. I'm imagining myself alone on a couch with an attractive man I like, massaging me... um pretty sure it would heat up. It would have been a good opportunity for you to say something or do something physical... I mean even comments about how niiiiice that feels or holding onto his hand or knee would be a turn-on to me.

I also disagree. My DH is not a shy person in general but was a little shy with me in the beginning. He says its because he really liked me and wanted to be 100% sure I was into him before making a move or heavily pursuing me. I had to give him a little nudge. Once he knew for sure, he was all over me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he massaged you for 10 min and it didn’t lead to anything more then he’s not interested. Sorry.

I disagree. Maybe he cares enough about you that he is being extra cautious and wants to make sure his advances would be reciprocated. I'm more surprised YOU didn't make a move. I'm imagining myself alone on a couch with an attractive man I like, massaging me... um pretty sure it would heat up. It would have been a good opportunity for you to say something or do something physical... I mean even comments about how niiiiice that feels or holding onto his hand or knee would be a turn-on to me.

I also disagree. My DH is not a shy person in general but was a little shy with me in the beginning. He says its because he really liked me and wanted to be 100% sure I was into him before making a move or heavily pursuing me. I had to give him a little nudge. Once he knew for sure, he was all over me.

Sure it's possible he's just shy. But it's also possible and frankly, more likely he's just not that into OP. For all the women who had to give a shy guy a nudge 75% of those nudges went nowhere or the guy ended up being a total dud. Stop acting like it always leads to marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be available and make it subtly known you are, but let him pursue. Men like (need) the chase. They are simple beasts when you get down to these details.

Is this 1950? Terrible advice.

Terrible and misogynist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be available and make it subtly known you are, but let him pursue. Men like (need) the chase. They are simple beasts when you get down to these details.

Is this 1950? Terrible advice.

Terrible and misogynist.

It's excellent advice for sorting through men who don't like you enough to ask you out.

On an off-chance that you think this man likes you but is held back by something unaccountable, it's OK to ask him out - but only once. A woman initiating once is bold if you like her. A woman in pursuit is a turn-off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be available and make it subtly known you are, but let him pursue. Men like (need) the chase. They are simple beasts when you get down to these details.

Is this 1950? Terrible advice.

Terrible and misogynist.

It's actually deeply feminist in that it saves the woman from feeling pathetic and rejected.

It's really not about what men like. It's that if a man doesn't ask you out, in 99% of all cases he doesn't want to.