Is this behavior a personality disorder?

[Anonymous]

Ruth was not selfless. Her acts of caring were not selfless. She was filling a deep-seated need, of some sort.

She needed something. She needed something for herself. She needed continual appreciation from Pam's family for her devotion and care.

For some people, probably, Ruth, no amount of "being thanked" is ever enough. Ever. And when it's not enough, the other people are recast as awful people who never loved their loved-one enough.

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OR --- were Ruth & Pam lovers? Were they a couple who just hadn't come out to the family? In that case, Ruth should be there at the end. But if people don't know, they don't know.

Otherwise, she's not family. She's not entitled.

[Anonymous]

I come from a large and close family. But I will never ever understand the concept of "family only." The only reason to be bio-exclusive is because you have an issue with a non-bio family member or because you yourself are messed up.

Besides, what people mean by family isn't even restricted to biological relatives. Someone you marry and have only known for a few years counts as family over someone you've known literally your entire life? And that could be a second marriage to someone who isn't even the parent of your children. Why would you include that person but exclude the friend who saw the dying person through their first divorce and second marriage?

[Anonymous]

I think we all know someone like "I'm here to help!" Ruth. The assistance they offer comes with a huge pricetag. She said her goodbye and didn't need to stay for Pam's final breath. But she wanted to make it about herself.

No idea whether Ruth has a personality disorder or not, it does seem rude to speculate. I don't think the kids did anything wrong, especially if they had acknowledged Ruth for all she did. Skipping out on the service seems overly melodramatic, especially the fact that she's telling anyone who will listen.

[Anonymous]

It Depends, was Ruth kicked out for two hours while Pam died? Was Ruth kicked out for a week while Pam died?

[Anonymous]

Ruth was also Pam's family, blood or not. The family kicked her to the curb, and OP isn't telling the whole story as to why. Now the family is consoling themselves by branding her as "crazy" when, in fact, Ruth is actually correct here- the family is awful. Ruth is traumatized. Pam deserved to have loved ones around her at her final moment, and Ruth needed to be there. Were they more than friends? Doesn't matter, actually.
As hard as you tried, OP, to be self righteous and pin the blame here on Ruth, there's no way out of the obvious truth. Very sad ending for two women that didn't have to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funerals bring out the best and WORST in people. However, I can't imagine myself refusing to attend the funeral of my best friend just because their children asked me to leave during the final days with their mom so they could have that private family time with her. Would I be offended and hurt? Possibly, but for me, not likely. And I can't imagine myself calling my best friend's children "those ugly people" unless they truly did something vile and evil to my friend.

I know someone who is sort of like this with dying family members, friends. She has a personality disorder. She is also catholic - and I say that because I think she has a very strong sense of "do unto others as you would want others to do unto you" - meaning she is always trying to "help" people even when the help is unwanted, and she sees it as not only her right, but a duty from the highest power, and she gets very upset when that level of help is not returned to her in the same way. She very much wants to feel needed, (to her, being needed equates to being loved) and in a way, really shines at funerals and is very outgoing and social, and is always offended when she is not given the proper honor (either in the obituary, in level of involvement, or being included in those photo montage videos)

This.

Without more details and perspectives it's impossible to say that Ruth really was not treated badly or is just grieving or was Pam's lover... anything is possible.

But narcissists and related (histrionics etc.) are quite fond of forcing themselves into situations where they can be in power and seen as martyrs or angels... They prefer to help people who are very old, developmentally disabled, very young (especially babies), dying... or animals. People for whom they think they can be their "voice." And of course, when you help those poor forgotten souls, you get all the kudos for it.

This line from the OP stood out to me: "Ruth liked to “fill in the gaps” where she thought the caretakers were lacking."

It could be that the caretakers were lacking. It could be that Ruth is just meticulous. Or it could be that she's controlling and that she feels she MUST insert herself into everything even when it's not remotely necessary.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, it sounds like Ruth was family and was treated horribly.

[Anonymous]

Behavior is not perfect, especially in tragic times. It's ridiculous and does no good to dwell/debate/spin a story regarding -what wasn't perfect- about how a death experience played out.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs, there is not enough to diagnose a personality disorder here. Anybody could act the way Ruth did in grief. However, that OP is asking about it tells me it is probably one example in pattern of behavior that seems not quite right.