"I won't date someone whose parents are divorced"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

My parents are divorced and I wouldn't care if someone excluded me for that. Everyone is entitled to their preference, rational or not. It does shrink their dating pool but that is always true depending on their standards

[Anonymous]

Yea there is fallacy in his logic. He is using no divorce as a crutch to avoid the risk of a broken marriage.

The truth is that we are all vulnerable to the risk of being hurt in marriage.

There are plenty of broken people from married homes, and whole people from divorced homes. And vice versa.

I think this is a stupid rule tbh. But to each their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the child of an alcoholic but I am not neither an alcoholic nor addicted to any other substances. I am a child of divorce but have been with the same person for over 20 years. My spouse comes from a ‘intact’ family pushing 50 years married and is emotionally stunted and verbally abusive. Never judge a book by its cover.

But you accept abuse?

[Anonymous]

I do think it normalizes divorce and we know from the stats that children whose parents divorced have higher divorce rates. If the guy was otherwise well adjusted, seat with conflict well, trustworthy, under at oof marriages go through lulls and limerence doesnt last forever, then we’ll talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have heard this before. I don't think it is a rare sentiment.

I dated someone like this once who thought this way, while at the same time, acknowledging that their parents were miserable (but still married)

In my family those who went into marriage confident with each set of parents had never divorced are now, in fact, divorced. Those who came from divored households are happily married by all appearances for 10+ years.

I don't think divorced parents are as much of a red flag as family relationships in general.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

He is judgmental and probably a black and white thinker. Only you can decide if the pros outweigh the cons.

[Anonymous]

That’s a very naive idea. But single people frequently develop naive biases so not surprising

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have been thinking about this. DH and I have come from a culture where people did not used to divorce. As the couples grew older they sort of made peace with their situation and of course put their kids first. Both DH and I came from intact and functional families and this has allowed a lot of the business of living to go on despite some extreme ups and downs in the families.

My kids are grown. Here is what I have told them - 1) don't marry a child of divorce, 2) don't marry a person who has addiction and genetic mental illness and 3) once you marry, don't have babies unless you have lived together for a few years. People show you who they are and you should believe them. Addiction, abuse and adultery cannot be tolerated, and children tend to mimic what they see in their homes.

Wow. I am a successful woman. My parents should have divorced. Terrible model. My mom is mentally ill and I wish my ex had not forced a pregnancy on me early in the marriage (as I was ready to leave). My family had the same mindset as you--don't divorce...people with divorce have a bad background...it could not be less true. I waited too long to divorce and my kids have a much better childhood than having married parents. I did not pass along mental illness. My kids have a great life. I am glad people of your generation are getting older and will cease with these ridiculous and outdated ideas. There was emotional abuse in my marriage. I left. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yea there is fallacy in his logic. He is using no divorce as a crutch to avoid the risk of a broken marriage.

The truth is that we are all vulnerable to the risk of being hurt in marriage.

There are plenty of broken people from married homes, and whole people from divorced homes. And vice versa.

I think this is a stupid rule tbh. But to each their own.

+1

[Anonymous]

Right now, your fiancé knows as much about marriage as childless people know about parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with a divorced single mom and I’ve heard this. I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me.

Not the type of person I would want to be with anyway. And I don’t say this with a sour grapes complex.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

My ex-husband said the same thing. True, no one in his extended family was divorced. Most were stuck in horrible marriages for years, including his parents. SIL was outright abused by her husband. When she tried to leave, her parents took her husband’s side, because being married is better than being divorced. YMMV.

SIL finally got the courage to leave after I dumped her brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this an OK standard to have?

My fiance told me he would never date a woman with divorced parents. He said it normalizes divorce, they grow up in a home where marriage is temporary, and in a lot of cases they no longer have a father. I think I agree with him, but it seems kind of mean to dismiss people based on their parents' actions.

Why or how is even coming up if you are already engaged? Are you looking for deal breakers? Is he super rigid or maybe this is not thought out...

[Anonymous]

Not all marriages are happy.

Not all divorces are toxic.

Life isn't black and white.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess... he believes you two should only offer each other side-hugs before marriage?