Your SIL is not your business

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a brother, but your guys are full of BS. You don't care if your DH has a relationship with his sister or parents? Yes, that is exactly right, but the point is that you are fine with him not having much contact with them. If he does have it, all hell breaks loose.
You become the SIL that you hate. You can deny it all you want, but it is the truth. When was the last time we had a thread that said, "DH and his sister have a great relationship! He gets together with her once a week! I am so happy for him."
So, yes, you all don't care if he doesn't have a relationship. God forbid he went to fix her car, on vacation with her, you are as green as a frog in that case!

Um...You definitely have a brother and you definitely have major issues with his wife. Your post gives it away. You sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely agreed. She is my brother's problem, not mine.

Agree

I wish my brother would stop trying to force us to be friends. I don’t want her in my texts to my sister. She’s lying twat, but she’s his problem, not mine. I’m cordial at family get togethers, and that is enough.

Yep.
I actually was happy for my brother, but she has acted like she disliked me from the very beginning. Finally decided, after many years of trying, that she's his problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why and whether your brother married her is...not your business.

Whether decisions they make as a couple (and yes, him going along with her wishes IS HIS DECISION), such as how much time to spend with your family/where the spend holidays...not your business.

Her social media habits and privacy settings...not your business.

How THEY choose to raise THEIR children (and yes, him going along with her wishes IS HIS DECISION...not your business, unless they are abusing or neglecting their kids.

Your mother's relationship or lack thereof with your brother and his wife...not your business.

What gifts, cards, calls or occasion/holiday gifts YOUR BROTHER chooses to send to his family, or not...not your business, and literally not your SIL's responsibility, at all.

Wow thank you. This is my life and has been for 45 years and I agree 100%. Just copy and pasted to my SIL LOL. And I will enjoy that for the whole day.

In all seriousness this is 100% correct.

Your SIL's choice in career (or no career), or any other aspect of her life choices...not your business.

Stay in your lane.

That's all.

[Anonymous]

Who my brother chooses for a spouse is my business. He wants it to be my business. If you’re close to your siblings, the idea that it’s not your business who they marry or how they live their life is silly. That said, I really like my ex-SIL and was happy they got married and sad they got divorced, though I understand it. Who my DH’s brothers marry and how they live their lives is not quite as much my business, but I really like my SIL and likely future SIL on that side of the family too. I have the most difficulty with my MIL because we have very different lives, but she’s well-intentioned and generally good with my kids, so I make the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who my brother chooses for a spouse is my business. He wants it to be my business. If you’re close to your siblings, the idea that it’s not your business who they marry or how they live their life is silly. That said, I really like my ex-SIL and was happy they got married and sad they got divorced, though I understand it. Who my DH’s brothers marry and how they live their lives is not quite as much my business, but I really like my SIL and likely future SIL on that side of the family too. I have the most difficulty with my MIL because we have very different lives, but she’s well-intentioned and generally good with my kids, so I make the effort.

Yeah, no. Not your business unless your brother actively chooses to get your advice and perspective. But not default your business.

[Anonymous]

Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m nearing my 15 year anniversary and I am also done. I tried and tried but realized it wasn’t really about me. It was about them and their family dynamics. Now I make him deliver all news, bad or good and all decisions. I don’t get involved besides being a moral support and someone that he can bounce ideas off of.

It has been incredibly freeing. I am learned to be ok with not being their “good” list but I guess it was a farce from the beginning. Just took me a long time to realize.

Yes, this. My key word was “disengage.” And I did. I don’t follow any of them on social media, don’t call or email any of them, and don’t ask my husband to share information about them. If he wants to talk to me about them, I engage and try to be neutral. I know they probably judge me for this, but self preservation is better than being my SILs besties. Marrying into a crazy family (which was wholly unapparent at the time...) requires a certain set of tools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

Question: do you have a life of your own or are you codependent on your family of origin?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

+1 If you care about a sibling and you see they're in a bad situation or worst case, being abused, most concerned family members will eventually say something. Sorry, but I don't think the state of matrimony is so damn sacred that you have to stand by in silence watching someone wither away, psychologically or physically, due to a dysfunctional and/or abusive spouse. A crappy spouse may last a few years, but a strong, supportive loving family who cares about you can last for a lifetime. It shouldn't be the other way around. I've seen good men and women in my life endure awful spouses. The situation often reminds me of abusive parent-child relationships. The dysfunctional one has mental issues and dominates the other person who is afraid of speaking up and upsetting the apple cart in fear of being alone. Everyone else sits back saying, their marriage, their problem.

It is interesting and often sad to see what people will put up with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

Question: do you have a life of your own or are you codependent on your family of origin?

Since I get along with others and play well in the sandbox something must be wrong with me, huh!?! Nice try.

My family is comprised of strong, independent people who get along with each other because we understand that together we are better. We are mentally healthy people who recognize that the intolerant and exclusionary people are NOT mentally healthy. We feel comfortable together because we like and respect ourselves and each other.

Basically we're not at all like you, PP. And that's a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

Describe 'dysfunctional'. Do you mean 'not fitting in with the family dynamics'?

I am not close with my SILs at all. We have little in common. They have children, I chose not to have any. They are religious and go to church. I am not and I don't, and DH doesn't either. I am usually direct (but polite) when I talk to people whereas my one SIL likes everything sugar coated. I have different hobbies and interests than my SILs. Our parents are from different generations. MIL grew up listening to classical music (SILs did too); my parents grew up listening to The Beatles, Elvis Presley, the Rolling Stones and The Doors and going to dances in their youth. I like going to rock concerts. SILs don't. Does this make me 'dysfunctional'?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I agree your SIL is not your business but I have a BIL with a younger second wife who has been whisking him all over the country so she can follow her career aspirations. He likes living that way, I guess, though knowing him, I wouldn't put all of my money on it. They've moved twice for her jobs since he retired several years ago. Well, he's an awesome BIL and I always imagined we'd all be closer as we aged. My kids love him to death but SIL could care less about his family. He's pushing 65, is healthy but not in great health, had a heart scare and now she's taking him away again on one of her career jaunts to another state where he knows absolutely no one. She earns more than his pension brings in, so I think he won't leave her ever for fear of having to live hand to mouth.

I get it, his marriage, his business. I do get this sinking feeling though, one day, that he's going to land in a rehab home or nursing facility 1,000 miles away and we're not going to be able to help care for him. She seems to think she's the only significant person in his life. We don't have a lot of family, and neither do they (she has an adult child in another state she doesn't see much of).

The fact that you're posting this uselessness here says you are a busy body. His wife is THE significant person in his life. You are exactly who the op is referring to. Try some hobbies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a brother, but your guys are full of BS. You don't care if your DH has a relationship with his sister or parents? Yes, that is exactly right, but the point is that you are fine with him not having much contact with them. If he does have it, all hell breaks loose.
You become the SIL that you hate. You can deny it all you want, but it is the truth. When was the last time we had a thread that said, "DH and his sister have a great relationship! He gets together with her once a week! I am so happy for him."
So, yes, you all don't care if he doesn't have a relationship. God forbid he went to fix her car, on vacation with her, you are as green as a frog in that case!

wtf? How old are you? This post is nuts. Do you realize most adults have very little vacation time and that families with kids often get very little time together even less vacation. You're a teen aren't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

You are the sil no one wants. You don't get to determine what marriage means for other people. You don't get to tell an adult the terms they must live by. You assume you have a functional family but from your post it is clear you were raised with unhealthy ideas about boundaries and control. Controlling other adults is very important to you. Your power over another adult is very important to you. This is not normal. This is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is my reply to SIL:

When you married my brother, you married into the family. You are not a silo, you are not on an island, you are not a hermit; you are part of a group, you are part of a tribe, you are part of our family.

Many of your problems with my brother stem from your inability to adapt. You sought him out because he comes from a functional family unit and people like you, from dysfunctional family units, frequently will seek out (subconsciously or not) a partner who is functional. Then you arrived into our functional family and immediately began to try out your dysfunctional ways. You are finding that they don't work. You're mad about it.

You needed to decide whether you're going to change for the better or whether you're going to be mad all the time. You chose to be mad and angry all the time. Now hopefully my brother will decide it isn't worth it. There are better women out there and he deserves to find one.

Or, he chooses to stay with her, and you, the sister, risk having little to no access to your young nieces/nephews, and limited access to your brother. I am not in this situation, my SILs are nice, have their own busy lives and families, and stay out of our business. But if my relationship with them were adversarial, I wouldn't let them anywhere near my kids. Sure I married into the family, but they're my extended family. Access to my kids is a privilege, not a right.