How to handle narcissist mother?

[Anonymous]

Watch Dr. Ramani on youtube. You distance yourself. Yes, she got you this time, OP. She engaged you. You need to cut her off. Completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you might be more forgiving when you come into your mother’s shoes as a parent with adult children. You may not know exactly why she is emphasizing praise to your brother. Maybe your brother is secretly suffering from depression and needs the extra attention? Maybe she is trying to get him to participate and do more? She probably thinks you are a strong person and don’t need the extra attention that your no so mentally strong brother needs. Your mother is not perfect, and neither are you.

Brilliantly put PP. I agree. Most people posting things like that are truly childish and they do not give any slack to their parents and the word narcissistic is heavily overused here. Next time their mother SINS against the sensitivity with some simple aging person's quirks ask yourself .. does she have enough credit for raising you to let go your little drama?

Well my experience has been the opposite. As I became a mother and have grown older, I feel more and more horrified at things my mom did growing up.

Same.

When I would tell stories of growing up, it was the expressions of horror on other people’s faces that made me realize how abusive it all was.

I rarely speak of that time period.

The people who blame the children are interesting to observe. They are either clueless or have bad intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Watch Dr. Ramani on youtube. You distance yourself. Yes, she got you this time, OP. She engaged you. You need to cut her off. Completely.

This!!!

She is my therapy. I've gotten more out of her videos than paid therapy. She is amazing and it's like she talks directly to me.

[Anonymous]

Is there a name for a parent who is pathologically self-absorbed and it manifests in a lack of attention instead of the drama we normally associate with narcissism? Is that just self-absorbed asshole, or is that narcissism as well or something else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a name for a parent who is pathologically self-absorbed and it manifests in a lack of attention instead of the drama we normally associate with narcissism? Is that just self-absorbed asshole, or is that narcissism as well or something else?

I think that can be borderline personality disorder (BPD). But I also think there are NPd types like this as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a name for a parent who is pathologically self-absorbed and it manifests in a lack of attention instead of the drama we normally associate with narcissism? Is that just self-absorbed asshole, or is that narcissism as well or something else?

No, it's all different aspects of the same issue. Narcissistic mothers can be either/simultaneously women who do not respect boundaries, women who need mothering, women who withdraw attention/affection, women who are jealous of their daughters, women who are autocratic. It can be many things all under the same umbrella of narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a name for a parent who is pathologically self-absorbed and it manifests in a lack of attention instead of the drama we normally associate with narcissism? Is that just self-absorbed asshole, or is that narcissism as well or something else?

No, it's all different aspects of the same issue. Narcissistic mothers can be either/simultaneously women who do not respect boundaries, women who need mothering, women who withdraw attention/affection, women who are jealous of their daughters, women who are autocratic. It can be many things all under the same umbrella of narcissism.

+1. Mine doesn’t manipulate or needle. She literally could not care less about my life. She wants to talk because she wants to tell me about her life. She sends regular texts with minute updates of her life. I used to think “oh she wants to talk and have an open and ongoing conversation with me, her adult child!” And then thanks to becoming a mom myself and lots of therapy I realized “nope she just wants to talk about herself to someone who will listen.” She needs mothering and withdraws affection when she isn’t getting it. I only have logistical conversations with her now. Like “yes we can bring the kids to the park for a walk at 7.” I don’t think she even knows what I do for work, though she knows the name of the company. Christmas is especially triggering because it was always about her so I just said they can’t come Christmas Day even though they are local. Bless my husband for going along with this. We spend a lot of time with his family and I love them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you might be more forgiving when you come into your mother’s shoes as a parent with adult children. You may not know exactly why she is emphasizing praise to your brother. Maybe your brother is secretly suffering from depression and needs the extra attention? Maybe she is trying to get him to participate and do more? She probably thinks you are a strong person and don’t need the extra attention that your no so mentally strong brother needs. Your mother is not perfect, and neither are you.

Brilliantly put PP. I agree. Most people posting things like that are truly childish and they do not give any slack to their parents and the word narcissistic is heavily overused here. Next time their mother SINS against the sensitivity with some simple aging person's quirks ask yourself .. does she have enough credit for raising you to let go your little drama?

Well my experience has been the opposite. As I became a mother and have grown older, I feel more and more horrified at things my mom did growing up.

Same.

When I would tell stories of growing up, it was the expressions of horror on other people’s faces that made me realize how abusive it all was.

I rarely speak of that time period.

The people who blame the children are interesting to observe. They are either clueless or have bad intentions.

They’re likely narcissists themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I noticed that most those who accuse their mothers of being narcissists here are people who are narcissist themselves and give zero love or slack to their aging mothers who often ripped their guts out and carried big cross with them for decades.. yet got nothing in return so now they are trying to "collect" but OMG!
what a narcissist they are, they should have zero expectation of any love or support.. no wonder they
go after those kids and boy, what a drama to watch them bite back..

Hello narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Watch Dr. Ramani on youtube. You distance yourself. Yes, she got you this time, OP. She engaged you. You need to cut her off. Completely.

Thank you for posting this information. I was not familiar with Dr. Ramani. I watched several videos last night. She succinctly describes the situation of children of narcissists and our feelings. Will be watching all her videos!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I noticed that most those who accuse their mothers of being narcissists here are people who are narcissist themselves and give zero love or slack to their aging mothers who often ripped their guts out and carried big cross with them for decades.. yet got nothing in return so now they are trying to "collect" but OMG!
what a narcissist they are, they should have zero expectation of any love or support.. no wonder they
go after those kids and boy, what a drama to watch them bite back..

Hello narcissist.

+1

The bolded part is creepy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I noticed that most those who accuse their mothers of being narcissists here are people who are narcissist themselves and give zero love or slack to their aging mothers who often ripped their guts out and carried big cross with them for decades.. yet got nothing in return so now they are trying to "collect" but OMG!
what a narcissist they are, they should have zero expectation of any love or support.. no wonder they
go after those kids and boy, what a drama to watch them bite back..

Hello narcissist.

+1

The bolded part is creepy!

Is my mom posting on DCUM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One does not handle a narcissist.

You can only handle you. How you react and respond. How much you are willing to subject yourself to. If setting boundaries, understand it will get worse before it gets better...if it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Not my mother but my MIL. OP, what you described is one of thingsmy MIL has done. When we ignore her she steps up her behavior to the point of ridiculousness. She has caused countless arguments between me and DH. He doesn’t feel like his mother ever really cared for him. It has been the single biggest conflict in our marriage. For those of you with this kind of parent, learn to grey rock and keep your other relationships protected from this kind of abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My boundary at the moment is only phone calls on Sunday. If she picks up, I will talk for 10-30 minutes. If she picks up and tell me to call later, I will not. If she texts me, I will not reply. I will call next Sunday. And then I will have 6 days off.

Those 10-30 minutes are excruciating.

I give you permission to move to text only. Or no contact at all, if you want to. You shouldn’t have to deal with excruciating phone calls.