trend of moving into new expensive homes...and marriage ending soon after

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are 12 homes on my street. Divorces galore. All happened within 10 years.

Next door, young couple, no kids, he went on deployment to Turkey for 6 months, she went to visit friends in Florida, she never came back. He divorced her, she got a new man. House was a year old. New neighbors are here to stay.

Another home, military, wife a nurse. His daughter from his first marriage broke the family. The woman and twins left, he sold the house. New family moved in, less than a year woman threw the husband out. She still lives there with the kids.

Across the street, custom built home. The man and his father built it. Lived there under 6 months. Wife in the medical field, man owns a lawn service, one child. 6 police cars showed up one night. Woman and child never came back. She packed her bags that night.

House on the top of the hill was barely a year old, man worked for the railroad, wife a lawyer. She had an affair and left. He lost the house. Couple bought the house, he was a pastor, wife worked but gambled. The breaking point came the day the power was shut off. He left, the wife moved into an apartment, older daughter took over the house. She and her husband are divorcing because he can't stay out of the clubs.

Next door to the above home another breakup. That was a money thing. A very public argument took place on the 4th of July. Drunk partying and swimming got out of control and everyone heard all their business. ALL OF IT. No wonder they had such nice furnishings. They spent more than they made.

I hate knowing all this. I get no satisfaction. It breaks my heart to see so many lives fall apart. I really dislike public fights. Keep that inside.

Sounds like lyrics to a Prince song.

I can hear his voice singing the post to the tune of Sign O the Times.

[Anonymous]

The stress of trying to keep up with an expensive mortgage totally causes fights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. When I’ve seen this, it’s made sense. It’s the belief that fixing the exterior (different house - different neighborhood - “nicer” things) will fix a fundamentally interior problem (the relationship). Like women who think getting implants are what will fix their low self-esteem. It could be kinda true in a superficial way - for awhile - but it wears off, and the real problem is still there.

THE RELATIONSHIP ISN'T THE PROBLEM.

The INDIVIDUAL is the problem. The one that is never happy. The wife that thinks if she has what everyone else has on social media she will have the perfect life. There is a lot of dysfunction.

It culminates in the biggest purchase still not solving her chronic unhappiness...so it has to be the man now. She is never the problem. It is always somebody else or something that is the cause of her unhappiness.

This was my experience. Astute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. When I’ve seen this, it’s made sense. It’s the belief that fixing the exterior (different house - different neighborhood - “nicer” things) will fix a fundamentally interior problem (the relationship). Like women who think getting implants are what will fix their low self-esteem. It could be kinda true in a superficial way - for awhile - but it wears off, and the real problem is still there.

THE RELATIONSHIP ISN'T THE PROBLEM.

The INDIVIDUAL is the problem. The one that is never happy. The wife that thinks if she has what everyone else has on social media she will have the perfect life. There is a lot of dysfunction.

It culminates in the biggest purchase still not solving her chronic unhappiness...so it has to be the man now. She is never the problem. It is always somebody else or something that is the cause of her unhappiness.

This was my experience. Astute.

Are you the one that is chronically unhappy or the one endlessly trying to please a spouse that can never be happy?

[Anonymous]

When my wife and I were young and newly married (29 and 31) we were looking at houses to buy. One house had a master bedroom that had a beautiful and huge bed. California King, solid Maple sleigh bed. We remarked how nice it was and the agent gruffed. "Hmmm, the bigger the bed, the worse the marriage."

Its stuck with me for 18 years, not just because its an idiotic thing for a sales person to utter but because of the assumption that a big bed = bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. When I’ve seen this, it’s made sense. It’s the belief that fixing the exterior (different house - different neighborhood - “nicer” things) will fix a fundamentally interior problem (the relationship). Like women who think getting implants are what will fix their low self-esteem. It could be kinda true in a superficial way - for awhile - but it wears off, and the real problem is still there.

THE RELATIONSHIP ISN'T THE PROBLEM.

The INDIVIDUAL is the problem. The one that is never happy. The wife that thinks if she has what everyone else has on social media she will have the perfect life. There is a lot of dysfunction.

It culminates in the biggest purchase still not solving her chronic unhappiness...so it has to be the man now. She is never the problem. It is always somebody else or something that is the cause of her unhappiness.

THIS. It’s not always the wife though. Sometimes it’s the husband who always needs the next newest better thing and is never satisfied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most likely one of them realized, upon buying a SFH, that they want their simple life alone to do as they please. No house, yard or spouse (or kids) responsibilities to take care of. So a/he files for divorce, to get the easy life back.

Similarly if one spouse realizes they married a dud who can’t take care of anything: divorce.

This. Unrealistic expectations of marriage and life. House owning was part of it for one of them, they failed, they need a little apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During Pre-Canna, our priest told us that families were happier in smaller homes. OP's post got me thinking about that. I guess in a small home, you are really together--issues need to be discussed, whether you fight or make up, or whatever, you cannot hide in some distant part of the house. (I've also been told that "fighting" or simply disagreeing isn't the worst thing -- it's when you stop caring or have contempt.)

Less room for messes to hang out forever and ever. Also don’t buy as much then, no where to store it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During Pre-Canna, our priest told us that families were happier in smaller homes. OP's post got me thinking about that. I guess in a small home, you are really together--issues need to be discussed, whether you fight or make up, or whatever, you cannot hide in some distant part of the house. (I've also been told that "fighting" or simply disagreeing isn't the worst thing -- it's when you stop caring or have contempt.)

I really agree with thus.
There was a series on pbs called Frontier House. One affluent family went in the show with their three kids and a niece. All 6 people lived in probably a 500 sq. Foot cabin for weeks. They genuinely looked and acted happy. They said in their past life they all got along really well, ate dinner together every night and hung out together in their old house. After the show ended they moved from a house in well off family suburb in LA to a house 3 times larger in Malibu. They ended up divorcing within a year. The wife commented that they went from always being together to rarely seeing each other in their humongous house in Malibu.

I don't know why but that has stuck with me somehow and influenced me in deciding to live in a house that isn't too big (2000 square feet) with my family.

I agree with this too. I remember reading some blog post or article about a family that experienced the same thing -- every person was off in a different part of the house doing their own thing. They realized the problem and downsized.

I'm happy in 1600 sq ft with my family.

[Anonymous]

This is silly, OP. Sounds like a coping mechanism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During Pre-Canna, our priest told us that families were happier in smaller homes. OP's post got me thinking about that. I guess in a small home, you are really together--issues need to be discussed, whether you fight or make up, or whatever, you cannot hide in some distant part of the house. (I've also been told that "fighting" or simply disagreeing isn't the worst thing -- it's when you stop caring or have contempt.)

I really agree with thus.
There was a series on pbs called Frontier House. One affluent family went in the show with their three kids and a niece. All 6 people lived in probably a 500 sq. Foot cabin for weeks. They genuinely looked and acted happy. They said in their past life they all got along really well, ate dinner together every night and hung out together in their old house. After the show ended they moved from a house in well off family suburb in LA to a house 3 times larger in Malibu. They ended up divorcing within a year. The wife commented that they went from always being together to rarely seeing each other in their humongous house in Malibu.

I don't know why but that has stuck with me somehow and influenced me in deciding to live in a house that isn't too big (2000 square feet) with my family.

I agree with this too. I remember reading some blog post or article about a family that experienced the same thing -- every person was off in a different part of the house doing their own thing. They realized the problem and downsized.

I'm happy in 1600 sq ft with my family.

I dunno. I live in a midsize house and have a terrible marriage. I don’t think a mcmansion would improve our marriage but I think it migjt enable us to lead more separate lives which woild reduce conflict and make it easier to stay together for the kids. I would sleep in a separate room, maybe even use a second kitchen if I had it. Everything I do irritates him, so I can see a bigger house helping with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe barely, kinda sorta related. I just read a summary of a study saying that there was a correlation (not huge, but there) between divorce rates & expensive rings/weddings.

And number of bridesmaids!! A priest told me.

The higher number of bridesmaids/groomsmen in a wedding party=the higher the chances of divorce.

I had a maid of honor. That is it. I am divorced.

lol do you think you're making a point?

No, I am saying that the idea that a higher number of bridemaids/groomsmen in a wedding party is probably just anecdotal crap and not actually statistically reliable as a statement.

...based on your one anecdote?

No, based on the fact that I have an opposite anecdote...I am not claiming my anecdote is statistically more likley like you are...I am saying it does not matter either way. No. of bridesmaids (either way) does not correlate to the success of a marriage. That is nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:During Pre-Canna, our priest told us that families were happier in smaller homes. OP's post got me thinking about that. I guess in a small home, you are really together--issues need to be discussed, whether you fight or make up, or whatever, you cannot hide in some distant part of the house. (I've also been told that "fighting" or simply disagreeing isn't the worst thing -- it's when you stop caring or have contempt.)

I really agree with thus.
There was a series on pbs called Frontier House. One affluent family went in the show with their three kids and a niece. All 6 people lived in probably a 500 sq. Foot cabin for weeks. They genuinely looked and acted happy. They said in their past life they all got along really well, ate dinner together every night and hung out together in their old house. After the show ended they moved from a house in well off family suburb in LA to a house 3 times larger in Malibu. They ended up divorcing within a year. The wife commented that they went from always being together to rarely seeing each other in their humongous house in Malibu.

I don't know why but that has stuck with me somehow and influenced me in deciding to live in a house that isn't too big (2000 square feet) with my family.

I agree with this too. I remember reading some blog post or article about a family that experienced the same thing -- every person was off in a different part of the house doing their own thing. They realized the problem and downsized.

I'm happy in 1600 sq ft with my family.

I dunno. I live in a midsize house and have a terrible marriage. I don’t think a mcmansion would improve our marriage but I think it migjt enable us to lead more separate lives which woild reduce conflict and make it easier to stay together for the kids. I would sleep in a separate room, maybe even use a second kitchen if I had it. Everything I do irritates him, so I can see a bigger house helping with that.

I think you have an excellent point. It is easier to stay in bad marriage when you have a huge house because you can easily avoid each other. I know--it kept me in a bad marriage for far too long. I think if there was smaller space, it would have been harder to survive as long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe barely, kinda sorta related. I just read a summary of a study saying that there was a correlation (not huge, but there) between divorce rates & expensive rings/weddings.

When the focus is on the ring and the big 'show', yes, the marriage is often an afterthought. It's also correlated with the amount of social media use and Facebook friends. The superficiality is a big part of it.

The other pp saying 'last ditch effort/distraction' makes sense. BUT, I also think some people will never be happy and they think 'oh if I get this brand new big house, everything will be better and I'll be happy'. The problem is they are trying to fix their insides with outside things...same goes with infidelity. They are never going to be happy because their insides are not and they never get to the root of their issues.

This! They know they’re unhappy, but they’re focusing on everything but the real problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh. When I’ve seen this, it’s made sense. It’s the belief that fixing the exterior (different house - different neighborhood - “nicer” things) will fix a fundamentally interior problem (the relationship). Like women who think getting implants are what will fix their low self-esteem. It could be kinda true in a superficial way - for awhile - but it wears off, and the real problem is still there.

THE RELATIONSHIP ISN'T THE PROBLEM.

The INDIVIDUAL is the problem. The one that is never happy. The wife that thinks if she has what everyone else has on social media she will have the perfect life. There is a lot of dysfunction.

It culminates in the biggest purchase still not solving her chronic unhappiness...so it has to be the man now. She is never the problem. It is always somebody else or something that is the cause of her unhappiness.

THIS. It’s not always the wife though. Sometimes it’s the husband who always needs the next newest better thing and is never satisfied.

Sometimes it’s the relationship. I was convinced I hated the area we lived in and we needed a new house. I finally realized that it was the husband I needed to get rid of, and happily moved into a tiny apartment by myself. I have been happily remarried 25 years, and have never again felt that need to move.