Relationship with an Incarcerated man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you ladies ever had a husband or boyfriend who was incarcerated? What are the challenges that you have experienced and what are the reasons to call it quits and what have been the reasons why you stick it out?

Hmmm, because they're locked up maybe?

[Anonymous]

I had a FWB married woman. Her husband was locked up for rape. Sometimes she would take a call from him when she was with me. It was great because, of all the APs I had, I knew for sure that this one wasn't going to get caught.

The advantage of having a relationship with a prisoner is, you always know where he is and hell never know what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the hilariously sad things for single men everywhere is how criminals accused of heinous acts that will never see the life of day manage to not only get girlfriends but wives while locked up.

I mean are the women who go for these guys really the kind of women you would want? Really? Really?

Most of those men are innocent and never should have been locked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posts on this thread are terrible.

OP, is this someone with whom you already have a relationship? How strong is your bond? Is this person facing a long sentence?

Lots of couples make it through this, but it isn’t easy. There will be long times without even phone calls, and visits are logistically challenging. Every facility has its own rules so make sure you understand them thoroughly and follow them to a t.

He’s actually the father of my child. But it’s a day to day struggle and stressful. He hasn’t been sentenced yet and has no idea how much time he will have to do. The financial strain makes it even more complicated. It’s a lot

As the child in this scenario I strongly advise you to leave him. My father has been out of prison since I was a baby for dealing drugs; my mother stayed married to him until I was nine- the last two years of which I was consistently encouraging her to divorce him. My mother is overall a well meaning and loving person but as an adult I still have a lot of resentment towards her for raising me in that situation, bringing me to visit him in prison, etc, which I still to this day can’t fully let go of and which has impacted our relationship to date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The posts on this thread are terrible.

OP, is this someone with whom you already have a relationship? How strong is your bond? Is this person facing a long sentence?

Lots of couples make it through this, but it isn’t easy. There will be long times without even phone calls, and visits are logistically challenging. Every facility has its own rules so make sure you understand them thoroughly and follow them to a t.

He’s actually the father of my child. But it’s a day to day struggle and stressful. He hasn’t been sentenced yet and has no idea how much time he will have to do. The financial strain makes it even more complicated. It’s a lot

As the child in this scenario I strongly advise you to leave him. My father has been out of prison since I was a baby for dealing drugs; my mother stayed married to him until I was nine- the last two years of which I was consistently encouraging her to divorce him. My mother is overall a well meaning and loving person but as an adult I still have a lot of resentment towards her for raising me in that situation, bringing me to visit him in prison, etc, which I still to this day can’t fully let go of and which has impacted our relationship to date.

Should say in and out of prison

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a FWB married woman. Her husband was locked up for rape. Sometimes she would take a call from him when she was with me. It was great because, of all the APs I had, I knew for sure that this one wasn't going to get caught.

The advantage of having a relationship with a prisoner is, you always know where he is and hell never know what you are doing.

WTF. I mean, she was messed up all sorts of ways. Staying with a rapist???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thank all of you who have approached this topic thoughtfully and without judgement, bias or assumption. I pray for the rest and hope that this never happens to any of your family members or friends. Incarceration does not just affect the poor ... it’s universal and does not discriminate. For those who are curious the crime was nonviolent. I like the approach of advocacy. My son will grow up understanding that his father is not perfect nor his mother... however love and support is a brave choice.

What did he do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a ex-Correctional Officer at San Quentin I assure you, your making a mistake with 99% of them. No one, and I mean no one goes to prison these days for a single offense unless it’s murder or some other sick crime. And just think of all the crimes these individuals did before actually being caught. The vast majority of these inmates have an extremely long criminal history which has finally resulted in some judge throwing the book at them finally.

Like the other comment said, most of these guys are professional scam artists. They didn’t arrive in prison being one but they quickly learn it simply to survive prison life. Unfortunately, having a relationship with one of these inmates says a lot about your own issues.

This is not at all true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a FWB married woman. Her husband was locked up for rape. Sometimes she would take a call from him when she was with me. It was great because, of all the APs I had, I knew for sure that this one wasn't going to get caught.

The advantage of having a relationship with a prisoner is, you always know where he is and hell never know what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. The posts on this thread are crazy. This isn’t someone who started corresponding with some murderer in jail and now wants to get married like some crazy television show!! This is a woman who’s child’s father is going to prison - a very common situation in our country right now.

I have no experience with this myself, but I think support groups/resources/others who have been there is where I would start. Otherwise, a lot of this depends on the nature of your relationship now, how bad the crime is, and how long he will be incarcerated (these two are not always proportional!)

If your relationship is generally strong, his crime is something not concerning like marijuana possession, and the sentence ends up being less than a year, I could absolutely see trying to make it work through that, especially with a child. However if any one of these three isn’t true, I’d be out. If the relationship was already on again/off again, if the crime was violent in any way, or if the sentence was going to be longer than a year or two, I would call in quits on the relationship part, and instead focus all your attention on what’s best for your child. Likely that will include regular visits, perhaps sending him things like cards? Figuring out how to talk to the child about what’s going on, etc. For all that stuff, definitely talk with professionals and people who have been there.

Best of luck to you.

Huh? Where do you live that this is a, "common situation .. right now?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a FWB married woman. Her husband was locked up for rape. Sometimes she would take a call from him when she was with me. It was great because, of all the APs I had, I knew for sure that this one wasn't going to get caught.

The advantage of having a relationship with a prisoner is, you always know where he is and hell never know what you are doing.

WTF. I mean, she was messed up all sorts of ways. Staying with a rapist???

Oh yeah, she was really messed up and less than half my age. She swore he was innocent and that it was consensual.

[Anonymous]

FAMM (families against mandatory minimums) is a good organization that advocates on behalf of the incarcerated and has resources for families/loved ones: https://famm.org/get-involved/affected-families/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the hilariously sad things for single men everywhere is how criminals accused of heinous acts that will never see the life of day manage to not only get girlfriends but wives while locked up.

I mean are the women who go for these guys really the kind of women you would want? Really? Really?

Most of those men are innocent and never should have been locked up.

"Most?" Ha. If you believe this, you're as naive as OP. Please don't get yourself into her situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you like tatted, unstable meth-dealing scam artists with poor prospects for future employment, go for it.

Formerly incarcerated people deserve to not be stereotyped just like everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a ex-Correctional Officer at San Quentin I assure you, your making a mistake with 99% of them. No one, and I mean no one goes to prison these days for a single offense unless it’s murder or some other sick crime. And just think of all the crimes these individuals did before actually being caught. The vast majority of these inmates have an extremely long criminal history which has finally resulted in some judge throwing the book at them finally.

Like the other comment said, most of these guys are professional scam artists. They didn’t arrive in prison being one but they quickly learn it simply to survive prison life. Unfortunately, having a relationship with one of these inmates says a lot about your own issues.

This is not at all true.

This is absolutely true and one of the best pieces of advice I've seen on DCUM in a long time. OP, take heed.