47.2 is the most miserable age

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys are scaring the pants off of me. I'm 42 and the past few years have been so stressful between managing young kids, careers, constant illnesses, extended family woes, trying to find time for DH and I to take care of ourselves too...maybe it's just life? I hate to think about the most miserable years still being ahead of me.

Don't be scared, but be prepared. My biggest mistake was being too hands on. If your parents have money or you have money and they become difficult and agitated, outsource like crazy. I waited too long to do this. If there weren't things like temper tantrums, extreme hostility and all of that, I would have found it more manageable. Just have a plan of action and step back. My sister was obsessed with a good inheritance. That does not matter if you have a nervous breakdown and become physically ill from the stress. She never helped much so for her it was just about a jackpot without any work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am loving spending time with my kids at 11 and 14. I am starting to hope that maybe we will get through the teenage years ok.

The aging/dying parent thing can be tough though, no doubt.

I don't mean to scare you and not everybody goes through this. Yes, the aging part was hard. What was harder was the personality changes and personality exaggerations. Low grade anxiety with dementia turned into extreme obsessiveness and agitation. A parent I was close to became a verbally abusive tyrant to me constantly trying to start drama. I was burning out helping only to find not only was what i did not appreciated, it was never enough. In the end for some of us we have a person who for the finally year was raging at us, who no longer knows who we are and at the very end is unable to use the bathroom or feed or even talk independently. When the end came I was relieved the person was resting in peace and there is this calm where slowly you realize the emergency calls, the drama, the heartache, the endless anxiety are all over. I am sure some people will be horrified, but if you have to watch a parent's personality change for the worst, lose all memories of loved ones and suffer, death is not the hard part, especially if it has been a 6 or 7 year decline.

Experiences with dementia can vary. I have had three different relatives die from forms of dementia, and we have had very different experiences from the above. My relatives mostly became very calm and sweet, not at all abusive. The physical care fro them was very difficult and time consuming, but that is to be expected.

In addition, I have heard similar stories about relatives who died before I was born. Maybe it is possible that personality traits can alter the effects of dementia or that there is a genetic aspect to how it manifests?

It is so difficult to see a loved one essentially gone before they have actually passed away, but not every dementia patient becomes aggressive and abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am loving spending time with my kids at 11 and 14. I am starting to hope that maybe we will get through the teenage years ok.

The aging/dying parent thing can be tough though, no doubt.

I don't mean to scare you and not everybody goes through this. Yes, the aging part was hard. What was harder was the personality changes and personality exaggerations. Low grade anxiety with dementia turned into extreme obsessiveness and agitation. A parent I was close to became a verbally abusive tyrant to me constantly trying to start drama. I was burning out helping only to find not only was what i did not appreciated, it was never enough. In the end for some of us we have a person who for the finally year was raging at us, who no longer knows who we are and at the very end is unable to use the bathroom or feed or even talk independently. When the end came I was relieved the person was resting in peace and there is this calm where slowly you realize the emergency calls, the drama, the heartache, the endless anxiety are all over. I am sure some people will be horrified, but if you have to watch a parent's personality change for the worst, lose all memories of loved ones and suffer, death is not the hard part, especially if it has been a 6 or 7 year decline.

Experiences with dementia can vary. I have had three different relatives die from forms of dementia, and we have had very different experiences from the above. My relatives mostly became very calm and sweet, not at all abusive. The physical care fro them was very difficult and time consuming, but that is to be expected.

In addition, I have heard similar stories about relatives who died before I was born. Maybe it is possible that personality traits can alter the effects of dementia or that there is a genetic aspect to how it manifests?

It is so difficult to see a loved one essentially gone before they have actually passed away, but not every dementia patient becomes aggressive and abusive.

I am the person you are responding to and you are absolutely right. I should have mentioned that. We were unlucky or maybe it's genetic because on both sides they became more difficult and downright abusive. I know some people who say with dementia and/or with ministrokes their loved ones have become much kinder or they were consistently lovely people throughout. I bring up my experience so people just mentally prepare if it happens to them. I burned myself out. It is also really hard to realize how horrible it is when you are in it and it is making you ill. I would share stories and my husband would witness in horror the behavior/abuse I dealt with and yet it was hard for me to face reality that this was very toxic and I had to step back and outsource. My immune system was a wreck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just...don't believe this. Things are pretty a-ok over here. I mean, we have had our struggles to be sure, but DAMN, people.

You've never had a bad year where it was one stressful thing after another happening? If not, count your blessings.

Everyone has their struggles, no kidding. I don't believe that we're talking about that. We're talking about those years when everything just seems to hit the fan all at once. Trust me, you'll know it when it happens to you. Enjoy your current smooth sailing, though.

Oh, no. I totally have. Death, dementia, dismemberment (no shit), and single parenting all at the same damn time. It's made my current smooth-ish sailing very much appreciated, and I feel pretty darn bombproof as a result, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Once again, I was precocious! My worst year was five years ago. I turned 48 in the fall and last year was pretty happy. Much happier than 42-43.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just...don't believe this. Things are pretty a-ok over here. I mean, we have had our struggles to be sure, but DAMN, people.

You've never had a bad year where it was one stressful thing after another happening? If not, count your blessings.

Everyone has their struggles, no kidding. I don't believe that we're talking about that. We're talking about those years when everything just seems to hit the fan all at once. Trust me, you'll know it when it happens to you. Enjoy your current smooth sailing, though.

Oh, no. I totally have. Death, dementia, dismemberment (no shit), and single parenting all at the same damn time. It's made my current smooth-ish sailing very much appreciated, and I feel pretty darn bombproof as a result, I guess.

Dismemberment too? What do you mean exactly?

[Anonymous]

Wait until you hit your sixties: no kids left at home to bring life and purpose to your days.

Medical threats and limitations start kicking in. Sometimes I feel like my hobby is getting cancer screenings.

You had better buck up, because getting older has not, in my experience, meant getting better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you hit your sixties: no kids left at home to bring life and purpose to your days.

Medical threats and limitations start kicking in. Sometimes I feel like my hobby is getting cancer screenings.

You had better buck up, because getting older has not, in my experience, meant getting better.

On the other hand consider yourself lucky if you have no kids left at home in your 60s. Some of us have special needs kids where the future is unknown. I am fortunate to be in the camp where it is not inevitable my child with be dependent, but it is more likely than for a typically developing kid. I already need a number of cancer screenings due to family history and my own history (polyps, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, you again?

NP, who is that directed toward? Seems super rude and uncalled for. Also, why would you post that? Doesn't relate to the convo at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you hit your sixties: no kids left at home to bring life and purpose to your days.

Medical threats and limitations start kicking in. Sometimes I feel like my hobby is getting cancer screenings.

You had better buck up, because getting older has not, in my experience, meant getting better.

Really?

My parents had a great decade in their 60s. They looked 10 years younger (and moved that way too). They had grandchildren. They traveled extensively, went out all of the time with friends. My mom volunteered 1 day per week. My dad arranged the monthly lunch of all of the retiree friends/former work colleagues. They belonged to Gold’s gym. He had the most beautiful garden. They were just so happy

My dad was diagnosed with stage 2 cancer at 70. It came back as stage 4 at 75 and he passed away at 76.5.

My mom is still very healthy. It was hard after 52 years of marriage - but she keeps herself so busy. She has a huge support network. We are nearby. She still hosts dinner parties. 76 years old.

[Anonymous]

^ oh and my mom said that empty nest from 50-60s was some of their happiest times. They had the three of us before they turned 30 and it was a busy life. They finally got to live for themselves, but family was still such a big part of it for them. They were very involved with all of the grandchildren by choice. They were never used as daycare.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for posting this! I thought I was going crazy!! Hormonal changes, irregular periods, etc. Then on top of it elderly mom with issues, irresponsible brothers, and stress from marital issues.
Thank goodness my kids are angels (this year ?).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you hit your sixties: no kids left at home to bring life and purpose to your days.

Medical threats and limitations start kicking in. Sometimes I feel like my hobby is getting cancer screenings.

You had better buck up, because getting older has not, in my experience, meant getting better.

Really?

My parents had a great decade in their 60s. They looked 10 years younger (and moved that way too). They had grandchildren. They traveled extensively, went out all of the time with friends. My mom volunteered 1 day per week. My dad arranged the monthly lunch of all of the retiree friends/former work colleagues. They belonged to Gold’s gym. He had the most beautiful garden. They were just so happy

My dad was diagnosed with stage 2 cancer at 70. It came back as stage 4 at 75 and he passed away at 76.5.

My mom is still very healthy. It was hard after 52 years of marriage - but she keeps herself so busy. She has a huge support network. We are nearby. She still hosts dinner parties. 76 years old.

Be so grateful for your mother and her positive attitude. My mother in law has completely fallen apart and my father in law is only in hospital and due out in a couple of weeks. She is crying hysterically over every little thing. The emotional toll on everyone else is huge. I get that she is stressed and upset but he is medically fine, he just needs some psychical therapy now, I don't know how she will cope when he passes, I don't think she will. Attitude is so important so you are so lucky to have a parent that copes well.

[Anonymous]

My parents have had a blast in their mid-50’s and now late 60’s once they became empty nesters and then retired. They winter where it’s warm, travel overseas once or twice a year and love being with their now many little grandchildren. They are both in good health and are physically fit and if I had to guess I’d bet they have a very active love life given how affectionate they are. I’m sure there was a period in their lives that was challenging with careers, kids etc but they are happy now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you dig in a little further on the research:

In the U.S., there was a slightly larger gap between peak male unhappiness and that of their female counterparts. Happiness among American males reaches a minimum in their early 50s, whereas women experience peak unhappiness in their late 30s.

All you people freaking out, re-read this post.